How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.

OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.

Oh,no this must be dealt with immediately.

MIL to 2 yr old grandson: A monkey could put this puzzle together. You aren't concentrating.
You: Madge, could you come in the kitchen with me?
You: Husband, can you come in the kitchen? (Wait for husband to come)
You: Madge, Bill and I are very clear about this: our children will be raised in a positive, loving environment. You have many loving qualities and we want our son to have a positive relationship with his grandmother. However, if you choose to continue with demeaning comments like "A monkey could put this puzzle together" then we will choose to spend our time without you. It's that simple. I need to get back to spending time with our son. Please join us.

Way too much drama.

A simple "You are doing great, Larlo" is just as effective. She's not going to change.

Yeah, don't do the big in-the-kitchen meeting. She won't get it and won't change. I know because my parents are like this (both of them!). Everything is negative, and everything is always my fault (or my sibling's fault). The best example I can think of is one time when I was in my early 20s and driving my father somewhere. I was stopped at a stop sign when the woman behind me plowed into me. I was stopped at a stop sign and she didn't stop, so rear-ended me. My father turned to me and said, "well, you chose this road."

I don't allow my child to be alone with them and try to run interference on the negativity when they're around.

My mother and your father would get along perfectly, PP. On the day of my wedding, I misplaced my engagement ring. My mother not only refused to help me look for it but spent all of the time until I found it telling me that I was a jerk for putting it on the counter.

Yell at me after I found my engagement ring and cut me some f-ing slack on my wedding day, Mom!!!


TO OP - I run interference constantly when my mother is around my kids and yet I still want her approval. Sick, right? Issues for my therapist!

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds horrible, OP! I would limit her time around my children if I were you.

I HATE when a parent feels justified in everything they have done just because their child excelled in one area of his/her life.

[Anonymous]

Have your kids' back around her. I stay nearby when my MIL interacts with my kids and I stand up for them when she inevitably says something demeaning or overly controlling. I sometimes direct my comments to her (Joan, Larla did fine. Please don't criticize her." And sometimes direct my comments to them: "Larla, Grandma is being silly. You are not going to drown at swim lessons today.")

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is a wretched woman, OP. The monkey comment is beyond belief.

I would have as a mantra "Grandma is wrong, Larla, but we love her anyway".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your kids' back around her. I stay nearby when my MIL interacts with my kids and I stand up for them when she inevitably says something demeaning or overly controlling. I sometimes direct my comments to her (Joan, Larla did fine. Please don't criticize her." And sometimes direct my comments to them: "Larla, Grandma is being silly. You are not going to drown at swim lessons today.")

+1 I'm sorry you and your child have to deal with this but feel even sorrier that your DH had to grow up with this witch.

[Anonymous]

MIL thinks much of my parenting is 'wrong' or too permissive... talked over with DH and as her son, he talked to her about respecting our parenting decisions even if she doesn't agree with or like them... and he and I both do reminders from time to time (and also in front of grandma, I may say something like 'grandma isn't trying to scare you...' or 'grandma isn't trying to hurt your feelings, she's worried about you getting hurt and we know you are working hard to pay attention when you're walking the same way I do' types of things..)

[Anonymous]

When I first read this I thought, don't worry, your parenting is stronger than her grandparenting. Specific coping techniques:

- Some people tihnk (XYZ- i.e., Jesus is savior, etc.); I think this; what do you think?

then i read your specifics and i actually think she may be abusive. i agree with no big kitchen talk by YOU; might work if your husband initiated it after HE sees something bad; i would be around them and if it becomes terrible mitigate contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correct your MIL in front of your child and step in to do whatever parenting action you feel is right. And never leave her alone with Grandma until she is old enough to know that Grandma is full of shit.

PS I love that your MIL gives her children no acknowledgement for being top students. It is all about her. I know a woman who takes full credit for her son's impressive accomplishments in his work by having a message on her phone that identifies her as, "This is John Smith's mother".

And do it calmly and consistently. You need to have more willpower than she has.

What do you mean? Her personal answering message identifies herself as his mother? How old is the kid?

[Anonymous]

There's a subreddit called "Raised by Narcissists." You might want to check it out.

They are big on low contact/no contact for Narcissist parents and grandparents, but they also have very hopeful stories about how easily kids see through people like your MIL. If you are kind and consistent and honest with your child, they'll know that Grandma is full of shit. You just have to say kindly "I don't agree with Grandma on that."

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to treat her comments as breezily/dismissively as possible. Sometime by talking to her, "OH NO! Augustus is PLAYING WRONG!" and sometimes to him, "Grandma is wrong about that. Monkeys are terrible at puzzles! They only know about jumping on beds."

I think we all know someone like your MIL. I doubt any of us know someone like that who has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids do not need to be hugged every single time they fall down. Kids need to build resilience and coming to their rescue for a little fall... not a good plan.

So ...

Can you give another example of something she does?

I agree the Ivy degree probably is a detriment when it comes to EQ situations. Good for you seeking help in that area.

DC has foam letters he plays with. MIL asks him to give her the "H" and if he doesn't choose the "H" MIL tells him he isn't listening or paying attention.

It's not even things like no hugs I have a problem with - it is the assessing of blame.

You can NOT change your MIL. You can influence your child's development and protecting him from negative messages is not really teaching him.

Unless she is your child's primary caregiver you need to learn to deal with her comments.

If you put your H in a position to choose between you and his mother it will go badly.

You can quietly tell your child grandma is from a different generation and do thing differently.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you continue raising your child in the loving environment because of MIL comments? Your child will be able to learn from both approaches. And who knows, maybe when he grows up, it will be his grandma's philosophy that will give him strength and support in a hard time. Remember, one day your child will be away from you to rely on your hugs and kisses. MIL is not going to change. Explaining to her your approach in raising kids is not going to change her views, but will cost you time and nerves. Your child doesn't need any explanation why mommy gives him a hug and GM blames him. It is an excellent opportunity for him to learn different people. What you can teach him is respect for grand mother if you will be showing it by yourself.

My grandmother were similar. Very tough, raised 6 kids on her own. Yelled at grandchildren all the time (including cursing us). Only after she died, I realized that she was the one who thought us how to work hard, how to love what you are doing, and how to enjoy your life. My mom was a soft loving and caring woman, bot all my life long lessons came from my grandmother.

[Anonymous]

"Grandma is always wrong. Everything she ever did was bad. She raised Daddy and Aunt Susie and Uncle Mike and they all turned out horrible and worthless. I know I can do better with you."

That oughtta do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All three of her children graduated from Ivys? You have one two year old? You might want to consider listening to at least some of what she says.

Signed,

Mom of college kids

Pp. You are an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to treat her comments as breezily/dismissively as possible. Sometime by talking to her, "OH NO! Augustus is PLAYING WRONG!" and sometimes to him, "Grandma is wrong about that. Monkeys are terrible at puzzles! They only know about jumping on beds."

I think we all know someone like your MIL. I doubt any of us know someone like that who has changed.

Yes, this. Don't make a big scene out of it. Laugh off her comments, then re-direct your kid away from the puzzle and away from grandma.