What is so hard about splitting the bill?!?

[Anonymous]

You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

To OP - as to your specific Capital Grille story: My father used to do stuff like that. It is very very unlikely that he is expected to be paid back or any kind of tit for tat. Assume that he gets joy out of giving. Accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Did he invite you guys to the Capital Grille? He may have been viewing it as an event that he was "hosting." Just like if he threw an expensive dinner party at his house.

[Anonymous]

Couple thoughts

I am guilty of picking up tabs be it at Starbucks or lunch--I don't expect anything in return, usually in the case of Starbucks I am the first there or in line and think nothing of it just as if someone treats me, I say thank you and go about my day. At lunch it just seems awkward to me to haggle over anything so I will just pick it up unless the person with me says something and then I let them. Again, it's nothing that I really think about in terms of "having it over someone." At dinner, friends we dine with (as couples) just sort of naturally take turns--something feels weird about splitting a check with our crew and so it just sort of happens. I think that if this sort of arrangement bothers OP-she should say something-chances are this friend of her will be pretty shocked but will go along with splitting if it makes her feel better.

[Anonymous]

It's rooted in childhood stuff.

[Anonymous]

These are your friends so I don't think there is any power play going on. I think it is different than going out on a date where your date buys you something expensive and you feel like s/he might think you owe her/him.

[Anonymous]

Too much coffee drinking going on....

Stop wasting money on that crap.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couple thoughts

I am guilty of picking up tabs be it at Starbucks or lunch--I don't expect anything in return, usually in the case of Starbucks I am the first there or in line and think nothing of it just as if someone treats me, I say thank you and go about my day. At lunch it just seems awkward to me to haggle over anything so I will just pick it up unless the person with me says something and then I let them. Again, it's nothing that I really think about in terms of "having it over someone." At dinner, friends we dine with (as couples) just sort of naturally take turns--something feels weird about splitting a check with our crew and so it just sort of happens. I think that if this sort of arrangement bothers OP-she should say something-chances are this friend of her will be pretty shocked but will go along with splitting if it makes her feel better.

I second this.

[Anonymous]

I am probably guilty of offending the OP - in my case, it's cultural, and I have no expectations that the favor will be returned. If I made the invite, it's my obligation to pay - simple as that.


Very interesting. Thanks for sharing that. If I invited someone from your culture to meet me for lunch, would I be making a big etiquette error if I assumed we were each paying for our own meals?

No, because we know that you don't do things that way here. It feels good to give and to treat, and I never feel that somebody owes me when I treat them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As for the bizarre anthropology excerpt above, it refers to gift-giving in general and not taking turns picking up a bill. Try Emily Post if you want to find a relevant excerpt on this topic!

You don't think picking up the bill is giving a gift? The excerpt is quite relevant in terms of how generosity can be used to manage social relations. I'm not a devotee of Emily Post so I can't say about her but I'm sure Miss Manners would understand it perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As for the bizarre anthropology excerpt above, it refers to gift-giving in general and not taking turns picking up a bill. Try Emily Post if you want to find a relevant excerpt on this topic!

You don't think picking up the bill is giving a gift? The excerpt is quite relevant in terms of how generosity can be used to manage social relations. I'm not a devotee of Emily Post so I can't say about her but I'm sure Miss Manners would understand it perfectly.

Nope. I pick up the bill sometimes; my friends do it the next time. It's not a gift but rather a social nicety. None of us feel like haggling over a check - or asking the waiter to go back and split the whole thing. It all evens out at the end anyway if you have good friends and go out a lot with them.

I think your anthropology textbook excerpt is bizarre. Is that how you manage all your social relations? Hysterical!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your anthropology textbook excerpt is bizarre. Is that how you manage all your social relations? Hysterical!

My DC would call you a meanie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your anthropology textbook excerpt is bizarre. Is that how you manage all your social relations? Hysterical!

My DC would call you a meanie.

Even worse -- she's a smug meanie, and she doesn't seem to grasp your point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your anthropology textbook excerpt is bizarre. Is that how you manage all your social relations? Hysterical!

My DC would call you a meanie.

Even worse -- she's a smug meanie, and she doesn't seem to grasp your point.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Finally, I realize that this is a petty vent. But I've had three instances of this in the last two weeks, two minor (Starbucks) and one major (dinner at the Capital Grille). There were three couples at the dinner. One picked up the check without the rest of us knowing. Tab must have been over $1000.

Maybe the guy is planning to write it off, but it doesn't feel like a favor. It feels like I now owe them $350 and have to put energy into figuring out how to repay them. Furthermore, we like this couple, but we don't know them well. We're all busy and it takes effort to get together twice a year.

The Starbucks ones I'd ignore.

The Capitol Grille one, that would bug me as well! Thats huge, and I can see why it would bug you -- it is way different from picking up the tab for someone's $4 coffee.