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What is so hard about splitting the bill?!?
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Anonymous
PP, I understand your surprise at the OP's reaction but the OP is right. There is a way in which always "picking up the tab" (along with lop-sided gift giving) can be a power play. The OP's friends may not mean it that way but the end result is that it keeps OP in their debt and keeps them in a position of power. I agree with OP that it is difficult to maintain a friendship with people who always have to do this. I'm not well-read on this but I know this has been covered in some social science literature. Anthropologist Marcel Mauss wrote about this with regard to tribal societies. I imagine that there is work on modern-day gift-giving as well but I don't know that literature. Here's a description of Mauss's work on "The Gift":
From: http://www.anthrobase.com/Dic/eng/pers/mauss_marcel.htm |
Anonymous
| A simple "What do you take me for, some type of cheap whore?!?" should head off any future attempts to pay for your hot beverages. |
Anonymous
| I am probably guilty of offending the OP - in my case, it's cultural, and I have no expectations that the favor will be returned. If I made the invite, it's my obligation to pay - simple as that. |
Anonymous
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing that. If I invited someone from your culture to meet me for lunch, would I be making a big etiquette error if I assumed we were each paying for our own meals? |
Anonymous
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Not knowing the people involved, it is hard from the outside to assess the motivations. But, if you feel uncomfortable because you sense they always end up paying more (ie. you are in their debt), how about giving them a nice bottle of wine (or small food gift basket if they don't drink?) sometime and using that an as entree to say "Hey, I feel like you pick up the tab an awful lot for coffee/dinner....." If there is some sort of power play dynamic at work (which I hope not since these are friends, no?), that may neutralize it. If nothing else, you even the slate....Just a thought.
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Anonymous
| I pay for friend's coffee all the time and my firends pay for mine as well. I really can't say I remember who paid for the last one. I think we all feel it all works out in the end. If I felt like it was somehow unbalanced I would just say something like, "oh thanks, but I really want to pay this time", Or "thanks, but I've got my own this time." if you say what ever it is you say quckily and with a smile i doubt anyone will be offended or think it strange. |
Anonymous
that'll do it! 
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Anonymous
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I think it's very strange to be offended by friends picking up the check. I agree with PPs that OP seems to have a chip on her shoulder and that they probably don't want to get into the haggling over splitting the check with her (eg: I got a venti latte, and OP got a tall latte, therefore please let me add an additional 70 cents to the bill).
My friends and I all take turns picking up checks. It all evens out at the end. As for the bizarre anthropology excerpt above, it refers to gift-giving in general and not taking turns picking up a bill. Try Emily Post if you want to find a relevant excerpt on this topic! |
Anonymous
Yep, that should take care of anyone ever going out for coffee with you again. |
Anonymous
| I agree with OP. If we split the check, that's one less thing for me to keep track of. That's always good in my book. |
Anonymous
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OP again.
To answer some of the responses, I never complain about money because I don't have anything to complain about. While I am not extravagant about clothing, cars, etc., I seriously doubt that anyone assessing my situation would assume that I could not afford lunch or a cup of coffee. If I were splitting the bill, I would NEVER quibble about someone having ordered a more expensive coffee or meal. However, I don't understand why this comes up in the context of Starbucks -- order your coffee and pay, I'm right behind you, and I order my coffee and pay. Simple. Finally, I realize that this is a petty vent. But I've had three instances of this in the last two weeks, two minor (Starbucks) and one major (dinner at the Capital Grille). There were three couples at the dinner. One picked up the check without the rest of us knowing. Tab must have been over $1000. Maybe the guy is planning to write it off, but it doesn't feel like a favor. It feels like I now owe them $350 and have to put energy into figuring out how to repay them. Furthermore, we like this couple, but we don't know them well. We're all busy and it takes effort to get together twice a year. |
Anonymous
| What kinds of "friends" are you? Just acquaintances? What's so hard about picking up the tab next time. This is a ridiculous post. Glad we are not friends. |
Anonymous
| The feeling's probably mutual. |
Anonymous
| Your problem is that you feel indebted. Don't. I mean, when it comes to the coffee, it's easy enough to remember, "Oh, I think you got it last time, my treat today" -- but I don't think you should feel obligated to go out for coffee with them again just to pay them back. And if Mr. Capital Grille bought dinner for everyone without you all knowing, chances are he just wanted to do it. Maybe he's being a show-off, maybe he's just generous -- but I would NOT feel obligated to return the favor. Just be grateful and move on. People who offer to pay for others just do it because it's easier or because they want to treat you, so just enjoy it. And if they do it because they want you to get them back or it's a power play, you don't need them anyway so don't worry about it. |
Anonymous
Are you her spokesperson? Thanks for speaking for the OP. |