I'm Becoming the Mother I Hate

[Anonymous]

We were having the same problems at bathtime/post-dinner and my solution was probably a "bad mom" one, but it works for me. They eat at 6:00 (10 month old and just turned 3 year old) play downstairs from 6:30-7 while I clean up dinner, and at 7 we go upstairs. IF the three year old takes a bath, brushes teeth and gets in PJs like a good boy with no whining, struggling, dumping buckets of water on me, he gets to watch Diego from 7:30 -8 in my room in my bed. That gives me a half hour to bathe the baby and put her to sleep and to focus totally on her, which of course she rarely gets! Then at 8 I go get him for stories and bedtime in his room. I know, it's bad to use TV as a babysitter. And as a bribe! But is working out so nicely that I don't care.......

[Anonymous]

Parent Encouragement Program saved me. Saved me from guilt, helped me to make better (not perfect) decisions and introduced me to other parents who are a wonderful support.

They have childcare. Call today.

[Anonymous]

11:39.... Sounds like a really good plan and Smart Mom, not Bad Mom at all. My kids are the same age, and thinking I might do that, too!

[Anonymous]

I have the exact same age differences in my kids, and my little one is walking now too. And the little one wakes up every day somewhere in the 5 o'clock span - uggh. I too have done many things that I regret doing after finally having the chance to have a moment to myself. I have yelled, and held my child's arm tightly while only thinking of doing worse. My husband is VERY helpful whenever he can be, but I totally feel the same as you regarding the repetitiveness of each day. I have no solution for you. Just wanted to let you know that after 3 years of being a SAHM, I feel very similar to you. I'm looking forward to the little one dropping one of his naps, and the day when the older one will finally go to school. I just keep trying to tell myself that it will get better soon. I try to forgive myself for not being perfect everyday, but it is hard. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not a bad mom. You are a human being, and humans get tired, grumpy, etc. etc. Kids are resilient. Lots of moms yelled. And spanked. And were really just awful. We know better now, but lots of folks survived and thrived in less-than-ideal childhoods.

Couple thoughts.

1) Cut him off at the pass. When grumpy time arrives, find something to do that pre-empts it. As another poster said, go for a walk. Go to the YMCA pool and let his energy out in swimming. can you afford to join Lifetime Fitness? You can work out while they go to the childcare room. Can this be movie time? Can THIS be fun bath time instead of before bed? Can you move bath time to a better part of the day? Showering with my two girls works well for me, they play at my feet and I get to take an actual shower (We are all girls tho). Can you child proof more? Get that table out of there if he climbs on it. Put a gate on the stairs. Create an environment where it is very, very difficult for 3YO to find a way to endanger himself. How about a rewards system? 1 YO goes to bed a tiny bit earlier than 3 YO. If 3 YO had a day of HELPING you with baby, he gets a treat/a sticker/an extra story/some other incentive.

Just throwing out random ideas OP. When all else fails I remind myself that they won't be this little forever. Soon they will sleep all night, stop needing diapers and pacis, go to kindergarten.... and then I'lll miss these days. Things will get better. Someday they'll go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes put myself in the Quiet Chair. If things get too hectic and I can feel I'm losing it, I do for myself the same thing I do for my 2.5 y.o. -- take a time-out. I'll announce that "Mommy is frustrated right now and needs to sit in the quiet chair for a few minutes to think things over." And the thing is, he knows about how the person in the quiet chair May Not Be Disturbed -- because the same rules apply to him.

I love this and think it is great! This is modeling wonderful behavior. Maybe your child will one day feel frustrated and decide he needs a break, too, which is really the whole point of time-outs---removing yourself from frustrating situations and re-centering calmly.

[Anonymous]

Try to modify your expectations of what your children should act like. This will save you, and them, a lot of frustration.

I love Elizabeth Pantley's book the "No Cry Discipline Solution." It really changed my perspective on discipline from angry frustration at kids "acting bad" to really understanding the lack of emotional control that they show. For instance, even as adults we lose emotional control (blow our tops yelling), so how can we expect kids to behave with perfect emotional control?

If we focus on all the things we need the kids to do (eat, bathe, sleep) then it becomes herding cats all day and is very, very frustrating for all. We start to lose all the fun and joy. Pantley helps find ways to make it more fun, for both parent and child, to work together. I was amazed at how well it works, actually. For instance, Make a game of who can pick up the clothes the fastest instead of just saying "pick up your things" and giving warnings. In the bath, see if your son can completely cover the left side of his body in soap before washing it all off....then repeat with the right. It suddenly turns everyday, boring tasks into something fun for both of you. That's just one of the techniques in the book that helped me.