I'm Becoming the Mother I Hate

[Anonymous]

My baby's too young to trigger this yet, but I can easily see myself in your shoes a few years down the road. I really appreciate all the good advice above!

I also agree with the PP who suggested finding an extra pair of hands, if possible. A friend of mine hired a neighboring high school girl to help out during the 4-6 pm hours a few days a week. She didn't need to pay her much and it was a huge help to have someone there to engage one or both of the kids during that difficult time of the day. Is there anyone in your neighborhood you could ask?

[Anonymous]

Advice from an unreformed yeller here

I am reading the book Every Day Blessings, which is a parenting book based on Zen Buddism. It helps. It talks about being able to see their needs in the moment, but NOT subjugating your needs. It was recommended in Catherine Newman's Waiting for Birdy book, which I am a big fan of. I used that advice this morning after a night with very little sleep, and it helped a lot.

I am also trying to teach my kids that it's ok for me to say, "Mommy needs a break for a minute while she drinks this cup of tea" or whatever. They are learning to respect it, and it gives me a minute to catch my breath.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes put myself in the Quiet Chair.

I'm a guilty yeller too. If things get too hectic and I can feel I'm losing it, I do for myself the same thing I do for my 2.5 y.o. -- take a time-out. I'll announce that "Mommy is frustrated right now and needs to sit in the quiet chair for a few minutes to think things over." And the thing is, he knows about how the person in the quiet chair May Not Be Disturbed -- because the same rules apply to him. (Although much as I long for one minute per year of age, that's not happening. But sometimes 45 whole seconds of deep breathing can work wonders.)

[Anonymous]

Here's a hug and lots of sympathy OP. I'm guessing that there is a lot of stress around your house right now between worries over the economy/job market, lack of time for you and kids being kids. Please don't beat up on yourself - that will only make it worse. Really, I do. I love my two boys (now 6 and 4), but boy, they really put me through the wringer.
I will admit - I am an unreformed yeller. It's what I grew up with and I tend to find that its what I do when I reach my limits (which happens sooner than I would like). My husband is not a yeller - which makes it worse. He talks about other ways to deal with the kids and looks so disappointed that it makes me feel even worse. By the way, we agreed on the same split of duties -he works his tail off outside the house, I'm responsible for managing the house and family matters.
That said - this is what I've done in my house - first, no one can judge until they've walked in my shoes. Not just for a few hours - try a week. Seriously - Daddy is all fun and games for a weekend - after 4 days, he's not so fun. Secondly, other adults can offer suggestions - but not right then. They have to wait until the kids are down and I have unwound enough to listen. I have found that I need to be able to have a dialogue about what sets me off - otherwise the helpful suggestions don't work, and I am just angrier. Third - remember, because you are around all the time your kids will tune out 50% of what you say unless you are looking them in the eye. Therefore, if you truly don't want to yell, you may need to hold them by the shoulders, look them in the eyes and say what you need to say. But my experience has been that this has limited effectiveness unless I pair it with a punishment I am ready to enforce. Otherwise, you really are just talking, and they really won't listen. This takes time to train them into - you may need to set aside a month-long period where, as the other posters have mentioned, you scale back your expectations and focus on enforcement and "listen to Mommy" training. Also, my mother believed in never giving anything away to her kids for "free" - if we wanted something, we had to earn it through good behavior, and treats, privileges, etc. could be revoked instantly. As a result of the early setting of expectations, we knew when not to push her.
By the way - you may hate the mother you become when the kids provoke you, but at the same time, you have reasons for being frustrated - think safety, respect for others, respect for property,etc. The times when I yell the most are related to my kids failing to respect the rules that we have set in place in an effort to avoid the emergency room, prevent household destruction and be kind and respectful to other people. I think the key is to focus on what behaviors set you off, why and try first to get those behaviors to stop.
OP - good luck to you. There is nothing as rewarding as being a parent, but it doesn't mean that we are well-prepared to deal with it every minute of everyday. Take notice of the things you do right (maybe write them down) as a counterbalance to the times you lose it. You will be OK - and so will your kids!

[Anonymous]

OP, i have to sympathize. I have an almost 3 year old and a 4 month old baby; I'm a SAHM. My husband also works a ridiculosly demanding job (attorney) and more often than not, is home after we're all in bed and gone before we awaken. I HATE that I yell at the older one, and I try so, so hard not to. But when you say "put that down. Put that DOWN. Put that DOWN NOW!" and they ignore you, what the hell are you supposed to do? My older is smart and stubborn, and he cannot start preschool until the fall. I have no words of wisdom, just empathy....

[Anonymous]

You have my sympathy. Dinner and bath time are my two trigger points as well. It has gotten to the point that I've turned bath time pretty much over to DH -- kids only get a bath ~ twice a week. At this point I'm trying affirmations -- "I am a patient and loving mother". Like you, I have also read parenting books, and this one point has stuck with me (from Dr. Sears) -- "no one can be a great parent all of the time. If you are a good parent 80% of the time then you are doing well."

[Anonymous]

Ah, the witching hour! Can you hire a mother's helper (a local teenager) even once or twice a week for a couple of hours to help with baths/dinner? I was losing my mind with just one baby at home and we hired one twice a week between 4-6 p.m., and wow, what a help. I had been suffering from depression and just having the extra help gave me a lift.

[Anonymous]

I still yell from time to time, but it's gotten rarer thank goodness because my throat was raw some days! However, I perfectly understand you! It's hard not to yell when you're frazzled- vicious cycle. So the easiest thing to do is to actually change what you're doing, how you're doing it, your expectations etc. You can work on the yelling part later or you may even find it resolves itself- especially since it only seems bad at the one time of day.

So,
1- do your kids really need a bath each night? since that is a stressor and yelling results, then change that part. maybe make it a daytime fun activity for awhile, and even skip days sometimes. or sometimes just do water and not worry about soap and hair. I've read that just water will cleanse too! if they toss water, calmly say 'uh oh, looks like you're all done your tub.' and take him out immediately. no warnings needed, he already knows not to do it.

2- change the after dinner routine. leave the dishes in the sink (will dh do them later?) and sit down with the kids after dinner to read books, or some quiet activity.

3- the 1 year old should probably be in bed before the 3 year old. if you can set the 3 year old up with a either a quiet activity or even video, and tell him you need to put his sibling to bed and then you will have time for just him... I'd probably put the 1 year old down at 7pm (in room, lights out), and the 3 year old at 7:30pm (again, in room, lights out). you will have a 1/2 hour (or you can shorten it) to just spend reading with the 3 year old. it will probably relax the both of you.

4- if they're not getting to bed this early, you may want to re-look at their bedtimes and try to adjust them so they can get more sleep. sleep begets sleep! your
1 year old might not be a good sleeper because he is over-tired.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

I also fall into yelling- but it's so rare that it's shocking and the kids cry- I was trying to talk to DH since we had a major issue for that day just plop in our laps- and i was upset- I yelled at DH to "STOP IT- I'm talking!!"- blah- both kids cried- i had to apologize.. it'll pass.. if you had a yeller in your family hopefully you'll want to stop that cycle..

[Anonymous]

I give my kids a bath after lunch before nap. They may be tired and a little cranky, but I am not as tired and cranky. So I tend to yell less.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just wanted to send a bg thank you and hug to all of the people who posted such helpful responses. Not only do I have a bag full of new tips, just reading your supportive words and empathy made me feel calmer and more measured. The last few days with my kids have been a lot better and I have not yelled.

Thanks again! Happy Valentine's Day and a great weekend to you all.

[Anonymous]

Though I never really yell, do feel the frustration of the groundhog doy you describe. I found a job 3 days a week and am over the moon.it is all about balance. Now that I work PT mothering has been a real joy just about all the time.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read any of the replies - but I have kids the same age and have similar issues. One thing you can do is relax on bath time. I just realized yesterday that it had been over a week since my kids had gotten a bath. No biggie. They came in the shower with me that morning and it was a bit chaotic but we all got clean. Do what you need to do to make yourself sane(r). If that means you don't always keep up with the "routine" then that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Besides SLEEP, which is key for me (I've already posted that here) I try to remember that the people I admire don't yell (or spank) and they manage with the same issues I have.

I posted a thread a few weeks ago that I could hear my neighbors over the baby monitor. What really blew me away was how calm and loving they were with their kids, even though it was the end of the day and they had no idea anyone could hear them. That was like a shot in the arm for me. Though I still blow my stack sometimes, it has really helped me renew my efforts to be calm and respectful and put my own feelings aside.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this and by the number of posts, I see you are obviously not alone.

Have you thought about getting an extra hand to help you out during the day? Is the 3 year-old in preschool? Maybe a half-day program a few times a week would be beneficial. The mother's helper is also a wonderful idea and could provide a lot of relief for little cost!