feeling hurt: DD just put down in her essay that she dislike the lunch I have been preparing for her

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all PPs, insulting or not. Yes, I think the food allergies problems have affected all our lives beyond food. I get really anxious about this since we have just moved and this is our first time entering a public school (she was in a very small private before with no cafeteria and everyone brought lunch from home). Yes, I will get a grip and don't think too hard for deeper meaning for everything she said and don't get too personal/emotional. Thanks for all the advice. Sometime it is good to have some reality checks from complete strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your feelings are hurt over a lunch, you are in for a long and difficult journey, my friend.

My kids are grown and out of the house, except for our youngest. At least one of them hated me pretty much all the time. Oh well. I'm not here to be their friends. I have plenty of friends. My kids have plenty of friends. My job is to parent.

My adult children like me again now that they are grown. My 14 year old still hates me about 75% of the time. You can tell I'm all broken up over it.

So true! My 13yr likes me most of the time and I think I am doing something wrong when she is nice. OP, be grateful she is spirited and independent. Some of these needy kids are total whiny PIA's.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't like the lunches you pack, she needs to pack her own. If she has life-threatening food allergies, I would presume that everything in your kitchen / pantry is safe for her. And if she wants something that you don't have, the two of you can research safe options to include in your next grocery trip.

Or else she needs to convince you that she is responsible enough to make safe choices in the school cafeteria.

At some point she will be an adult and living on her own. She needs to develop the skills to feed herself safely. Start teaching her.

[Anonymous]

At that age my daughter wrote an essay that said I read the Bible to them every night and that we all ate dinner together every evening.

Okay - so I am an atheist, I don't even have a Bible in the house, and we only eat dinner together on weekends. I think she was making up something to impress her teacher who apparently was a Bible thumper (something that I just rolled my eyes over at the time).

Don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you read.

[Anonymous]

You've just moved.
When we moved with my 7 year old, he was grumpy as hell.
Also he can't be anywhere near peanuts.

Give it a bit of time.
Set boundaries now, such as no back-talk, insults, etc.
Try to ignore the rest.
Tell her you love her, but do your best to give her space and do not hover - you can call/email the school or visit when she's in class. You can drop her off at the fence, not the front door.
As a bookworm myself, PLEASE give her uninterrupted time to read! At least an hour every day if you can manage that. It made all the difference for me, and all the difference for my son as well (it's like an addiction, but in a good way).

It'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think my 8 year old dd is a teenager in a little girl body. She sounds a lot like your dd, and she has food allergies too. Hang in there. I think this is going to be a wild ride.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't read the last page and a half, but could you go away somewhere for a week or long weekend to visit friends or family? Something for yourself?

This is good for your own perspective, and also good for your kids. They will be glad you're back when you come home again! (it works well for me, anyway.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At that age my daughter wrote an essay that said I read the Bible to them every night and that we all ate dinner together every evening.

Okay - so I am an atheist, I don't even have a Bible in the house, and we only eat dinner together on weekends. I think she was making up something to impress her teacher who apparently was a Bible thumper (something that I just rolled my eyes over at the time).

Don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you read.

Kinda similar. When my kids were in third grade, parents were invited to a "Literary Celebration" where all the kids had their masterpieces on display - "write an essay about something that made a very strong impression on you" - and parents were to circulate around the room, read the kids' work and leave comments on a comment sheet. Sally wrote about learning to ski, John got to drive his grandfather's tractor, Sam went to Guatemala to bring home his new brother, etc etc.

I get to DS1's desk: "Home Alone". "One day my mom left me home alone, and I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. All of the doors were locked. So I sat and I waited. And waited. And waited. And she didn't come, and didn't come, and didn't come. And then she still didn't come." Parent comments were along the lines of "That's terrible!" "You were very brave!" etc. Awesome.

Note that I had asked DS1 if he wanted to go the store with me and DS2, he said no, I told H that we were leaving and that DS1 was staying, he said fine... and then H went to Starbucks.

I go into DS2's classroom looking for redemption and I see "The Best Car and the Worst Day Ever" -- all about the time "My mom crashed the best car ever. It was probably the only car I'll ever really, really like and now it's gone because she she crashed it, and I miss it."

Seriously? The car was a 10 year old Passat, and I was t-boned by a pickup truck whose (drunk) driver ran a red light.

They couldn't have written about going to France, the beach, hiking, learning to sail, getting an ice cream cone, etc.? Nope.

[Anonymous]

She picked lunch to rag on because it is such a neutral thing to get upset about.

As for your feelings: you need to detach. It is just lunch, and food doesn't have to be entertaining. Sometimes it is just food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At that age my daughter wrote an essay that said I read the Bible to them every night and that we all ate dinner together every evening.

Okay - so I am an atheist, I don't even have a Bible in the house, and we only eat dinner together on weekends. I think she was making up something to impress her teacher who apparently was a Bible thumper (something that I just rolled my eyes over at the time).

Don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you read.

Kinda similar. When my kids were in third grade, parents were invited to a "Literary Celebration" where all the kids had their masterpieces on display - "write an essay about something that made a very strong impression on you" - and parents were to circulate around the room, read the kids' work and leave comments on a comment sheet. Sally wrote about learning to ski, John got to drive his grandfather's tractor, Sam went to Guatemala to bring home his new brother, etc etc.

I get to DS1's desk: "Home Alone". "One day my mom left me home alone, and I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. All of the doors were locked. So I sat and I waited. And waited. And waited. And she didn't come, and didn't come, and didn't come. And then she still didn't come." Parent comments were along the lines of "That's terrible!" "You were very brave!" etc. Awesome.

Note that I had asked DS1 if he wanted to go the store with me and DS2, he said no, I told H that we were leaving and that DS1 was staying, he said fine... and then H went to Starbucks.

I go into DS2's classroom looking for redemption and I see "The Best Car and the Worst Day Ever" -- all about the time "My mom crashed the best car ever. It was probably the only car I'll ever really, really like and now it's gone because she she crashed it, and I miss it."

Seriously? The car was a 10 year old Passat, and I was t-boned by a pickup truck whose (drunk) driver ran a red light.

They couldn't have written about going to France, the beach, hiking, learning to sail, getting an ice cream cone, etc.? Nope.

Awesome! But yeah, OP, kids do this. It really doesn't mean they love you or need you any less-- you're just a safe target.

Now (and I'm the PP who has Jane Austen on the brain and said motherhood is thankless and ingratitude is almost age-apropriate), I agree with another PP who said you do need to set limits on what kinds of expressions of discontent will be tolerated. Frustration is understandable, but rudeness is not ok. The good news is that kids doing this mild kind of testing secretly like limits.