I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.

[Anonymous]

I had the SAME fight with my mom last time she visited and I also felt awful. She is a compulsive re-organizer. I know this, and usually don't mind (and often even appreciate it!), but she reorganized stuff just as I was preparing for a party and I couldn't find anything, which was stressing me out, so I used my "very aggravated" voice and then she used her martyr voice. I tried to apologize later and she wasn't taking it. Usually I feel like I can tease her about her quirks, but I guess I got her at the wrong moment with the wrong tone. She was mad for a day or so. On the upside, a few weeks later, she was already talking about coming back for another stay. Also, fwiw, I know she prefers to stay with me over staying with the DILs because she knows she can't re-arrange their stuff, and it drives her beyond nuts. So my kids get the benefit of extra grandma time, in exchange for my putting up with some reorganization that I may or may not need.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP, and I meant to add -- it helps if you can see the positive in these quirks. One of my sisters asked if I was busy cleaning b/f my mom came to stay ,and my response was: Why on earth would I clean? Then what would she do with herself all day? I could get offended that she's cleaning my house and re-arranging my storage space, or I can take a deep breath, and appreciate that maybe she'll find a better place for things!

[Anonymous]

Would someone rearrange things in a friend's home? Why does "mother" act differently? I know it's fairly common but why would it ever be acceptable? I think many of you need to think of how you "depend" on your mother, and consequently why you "allow" this type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would someone rearrange things in a friend's home? Why does "mother" act differently? I know it's fairly common but why would it ever be acceptable? I think many of you need to think of how you "depend" on your mother, and consequently why you "allow" this type of thing.

You are missing the point. The mother is not going to change her behavior. Yes, OP can ban her from her home. She also can try to live with it or kindly redirect. Many of us have come to terms with the fact that we cannot change the behavior of our parents, and it is not worth it to turn an otherwise pleasant visit into a battle royale over the junk drawer.

I think there are many, many women who would give anything to have one more visit with their mothers. Getting into a screaming match over a relatively trivial (and possibly age-related) habit is not worth it when time with your mother is limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would someone rearrange things in a friend's home? Why does "mother" act differently? I know it's fairly common but why would it ever be acceptable? I think many of you need to think of how you "depend" on your mother, and consequently why you "allow" this type of thing.

You are missing the point. The mother is not going to change her behavior. Yes, OP can ban her from her home. She also can try to live with it or kindly redirect. Many of us have come to terms with the fact that we cannot change the behavior of our parents, and it is not worth it to turn an otherwise pleasant visit into a battle royale over the junk drawer.

I think there are many, many women who would give anything to have one more visit with their mothers. Getting into a screaming match over a relatively trivial (and possibly age-related) habit is not worth it when time with your mother is limited.

+1. Well said. PP here and this is the point I was trying to make - you were far more eloquent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the SAME fight with my mom last time she visited and I also felt awful. She is a compulsive re-organizer. I know this, and usually don't mind (and often even appreciate it!), but she reorganized stuff just as I was preparing for a party and I couldn't find anything, which was stressing me out, so I used my "very aggravated" voice and then she used her martyr voice. I tried to apologize later and she wasn't taking it. Usually I feel like I can tease her about her quirks, but I guess I got her at the wrong moment with the wrong tone. She was mad for a day or so. On the upside, a few weeks later, she was already talking about coming back for another stay. Also, fwiw, I know she prefers to stay with me over staying with the DILs because she knows she can't re-arrange their stuff, and it drives her beyond nuts. So my kids get the benefit of extra grandma time, in exchange for my putting up with some reorganization that I may or may not need.

Sounds like your brothers and their wives are onto something! Why does she listen to them and not you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the SAME fight with my mom last time she visited and I also felt awful. She is a compulsive re-organizer. I know this, and usually don't mind (and often even appreciate it!), but she reorganized stuff just as I was preparing for a party and I couldn't find anything, which was stressing me out, so I used my "very aggravated" voice and then she used her martyr voice. I tried to apologize later and she wasn't taking it. Usually I feel like I can tease her about her quirks, but I guess I got her at the wrong moment with the wrong tone. She was mad for a day or so. On the upside, a few weeks later, she was already talking about coming back for another stay. Also, fwiw, I know she prefers to stay with me over staying with the DILs because she knows she can't re-arrange their stuff, and it drives her beyond nuts. So my kids get the benefit of extra grandma time, in exchange for my putting up with some reorganization that I may or may not need.

Sounds like your brothers and their wives are onto something! Why does she listen to them and not you?

Same PP here...I realized that came out mean-sounding, but I do wonder why you apologized for making a very reasonable request of your mother, and I wonder how it is that the other families don't have that happen while it happens at your house.

[Anonymous]

Why is the other choice "banning her from your house". That's silly. And overdramatic. Most of you will likely be mothers to adult children one day. Are you going to think it's normal to rearrange things at their house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the other choice "banning her from your house". That's silly. And overdramatic. Most of you will likely be mothers to adult children one day. Are you going to think it's normal to rearrange things at their house?

What do you propose? The OP has asked repeatedly for her mother not to do it. She still does. What is the solution you are proposing that is not banning the mother from the house? Please do share, since you seem to think the answer is simple.

No, I don't have any intention of rearranging anyone's drawers; in fact, I would be delighted if someone came over and rearranged mine. Perhaps OP's mom can come visit me?

[Anonymous]

My mom always does stuff like this and then I get mad at her because I've asked her to stop doing it and then she acts like a victim. It's annoying. I've been in therapy to change the way I react to her because I can't control her behavior but it doesn't make it any less annoying.

When someone asks you repeatedly to stop doing something that bothers them and you decide that you know better than them, then the behavior should no longer be excused.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP that made the comment about my SILs--I thin that's a benefit to me! They're always irked that mom prefers to stay with me, but it's because I'm so much more easy going.

[Anonymous]

mother knows best

[Anonymous]

Ha! I am the one who reorganizes my mom's stuff. It drives her crazy, but my way is better

[Anonymous]

Op I hear you. My mother also 'helps'. She loves to organize and I am not the most organized. Also she isn't someone that ever sits and relaxes - she always has to be doing something. to her sitting and not being productive is lazy. So she is constantly in motion in my house just as she is in her own house trying to find little jobs that she thinks needs to be done. She is well intentioned and really thinks my protests are about her not working too hard or not wanting her to do work on vacation. So she mentally twists me telling her to stop and not do a,b and c as me just caring about her.

I too have used a disrespectful tone and felt guilty afterwards. I really, really wish she could just sit and relax and not always needing to be doing something but that isn't going to change. I can't change her. I do make her lists now and last time managed to keep her outside in the garden almost all day! Granted she was overheated and exhausted but at least my cupboards and drawers were safe.

[Anonymous]

These mothers should bring a project with them, a craft project, a book to read. They should plan time to exercise, to walk, do yoga, something. They should not be trying to fix, reorganize, or impose change on anything in their adult child's life. This includes giving advice. They should not unless it's asked for.

Now if help is asked for - no one is allowed to be critical of the details on how it's executed.