Healthy, wealthy mother does nothing but complain how hard her life is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that she does have health issues in her mid 60s.

At the very least, she probably has some aches and pains.

Plus, her mental capacity could be diminishing.

She helped you out when u were growing up. Now she is old. You shouldn't be expecting her help.

She is old, but she also has the money, which, though it is hers and she can do whatever she pleases with it, appears she didn't earn herself. I don't understand why she is not helping OP financially. They downsizes homes and she is sitting on 10 mil? I would be resentful for sure.

There's nothing more revolting than adult children who sit around and plan what to do when their parents' money and/or plan for their parents' death because they want the state. My aunts and uncles did this with my grandparents. Disgusting. It also made them unhappy, resentful, miserable people.

Live your life. That money isn't yours. Pretend it doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my mother had 10 million dollars she would share it with me. If I had $10 million dollars I would share it with my mother and children. I don't understand parents that hoard money from their children. Growing up poor my family was still very generous with what little they had.

Poor people are kind to each other because they know other people will reciprocate. "I share my $10 with you and you share $10 with me later." It feels fair. It's easy to do.

How precisely will OP reciprocate with her rich mother? If her mom gives her $50,000, how will OP reciprocate? She can't. It doesn't feel fair to the giver and so they don't like to do it. It builds up resentments on their end because people want a free ride.

Better to give a resentment then get one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother, admittedly, grew up poor, the only child of an alcoholic father. But she married my father, who became a wealthy doctor, and from the age of 25 was a SAHM and has never had a job since. Since my father passed away 10 years ago, she is in perfect health in her mid-60s, has around $10 million in her own name….and does nothing but complain about how hard her life is!

Meanwhile I became a teacher, married a social worker, had two kids. We are happy, but I do struggle with trying to get everything done, care for my kids, work full time, and all on not much money.

I understand I made my own choices, and I know she is probably lonely, but I just have less and less patience with hearing how rough my mom has it. Does anyone have any advice for helping me feel more generous towards her? I have upended my whole life several times to help her out – stayed with her for 6 weeks during my first maternity leave to sell her house and get her moved into a condo, for example – and she literally hasn’t come to visit me once during a tough past two years since my youngest was born, husband lost job, and we had to downsize houses. She is just always “so overwhelmed” to do anything to help, and I am getting resentful (and don't like feeling this way).

Stop upending your life quite so much. Set some boundaries. Push her a little to come visit you. Push her a little harder to get help if she needs it.

This isn't about money; this is just about dealing with an older parent.

[Anonymous]

My mom complains a lot, too.

What kills me is that the stuff she complains about is part of the life choices she made.

She is in an unhappy marriage, but she had opportunities to leave. She never wanted to work full time or give up her house.

She didn't care that the unhappiness of her marriage affected me and my siblings. She pretends like she did it all for her kids, but that's BS. Once we were all out of the house, I tried to help her leave, but again, she didn't want to work full time and she didn't want to go from living in a SFH to living in a townhouse.

She doesn't work at all and hasn't for years (she worked part time for a while), but she complains about how much she has to do. Basically, she is constantly rearranging things in the house.

Meanwhile, I work long hours, have a long commute, clean my house and do laundry on the weekends.

I get sick of the complaining. Not to mention, she still complains about how she used to have to work part time, as if that was some failing on my father's part that she couldn't be a SAHM the entire time (she was a SAHM until I was in second or third grade). She also complains that she never got the house of her dreams, even though she has a house that is larger than anything my husband and I will ever be able to afford (on two paychecks) and it is in a good neighborhood.

I think it's a baby boomer entitlement thing. I sort of zone out when she complains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she has depression?

I think it's this. She sounds too depressed to see the positives in her life.

[Anonymous]

My mother doesn't have nearly the amount of your mom but has always been financially independent and was a successful professional. I always suspected she suffered from undiagnosed and untreated depression. She always seemed to not have a realistic view of people or things in life. The things she would say and do always frustrated me and then I started putting the pieces together as I got older and started raising my children. I realized she was just not well mentally and I could not help her because she could not recognize that she needed professional help. OP, you are going to have to dace reality and eventually move on from your mother. My mother now has Parkinson's and is in declining health. The mental illness has come out in full force but I think it's always been there. Your mom sounds depressed but if she doesn't want to get help, you are not going to be able to help her. It's hard but you are going to have to choose between your mental well being and caring for yourself and immediate family or being sucked into a black hole of depression with your mother. All the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my mother had 10 million dollars she would share it with me. If I had $10 million dollars I would share it with my mother and children. I don't understand parents that hoard money from their children. Growing up poor my family was still very generous with what little they had.

Poor people are kind to each other because they know other people will reciprocate. "I share my $10 with you and you share $10 with me later." It feels fair. It's easy to do.

How precisely will OP reciprocate with her rich mother? If her mom gives her $50,000, how will OP reciprocate? She can't. It doesn't feel fair to the giver and so they don't like to do it. It builds up resentments on their end because people want a free ride.

Better to give a resentment then get one.

I come from a family where there are some people with money (some earned, some inherited). I'm a relatively poor relation but got my education paid for so no complaints.

When relatives with money give money to those who don't (other than tuition etc) it causes issues. It just does. Resentment, entitlement. I have an uncle with TONS of money and even in his will all he is leaving is education trusts. He thinks giving people money kills ambition. It's better to earn your own money, plan for retirement based on what YOU make, and view any inheritance as a bonus.

Who knows how op lost her house. Maybe she lived beyond her means and her mom doesn't want to encourage her to be responsible. Plus, op doesn't sound very nice. Maybe her mom wants to make sure she has more than enough for elder care, and is worried if she gives the money to op now op will not care for her in her old age.

[Anonymous]

*Irresponsible

[Anonymous]

People wonder why some people drop folks off at nursing homes and never visit but if parents were selfish with money and time they can't expect their kids to bend over backwards when they get old. There are poor families that would be there a lot more for OP than her own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that she does have health issues in her mid 60s.

At the very least, she probably has some aches and pains.

Plus, her mental capacity could be diminishing.

She helped you out when u were growing up. Now she is old. You shouldn't be expecting her help.

She is old, but she also has the money, which, though it is hers and she can do whatever she pleases with it, appears she didn't earn herself. I don't understand why she is not helping OP financially. They downsizes homes and she is sitting on 10 mil? I would be resentful for sure.

There's nothing more revolting than adult children who sit around and plan what to do when their parents' money and/or plan for their parents' death because they want the state. My aunts and uncles did this with my grandparents. Disgusting. It also made them unhappy, resentful, miserable people.

Live your life. That money isn't yours. Pretend it doesn't exist.

No, the money isn't mine, since I am not the OP. OPs time and attention is likewise not OP's mother, so none should be given to her.