Only one date, how to let down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well, OP is on here asking advice about stuff that is dating 101. its almost as if she has never done this before.

perhaps he is somewhat right even though he came off like an idiot

i mean, who needs to ask this question these days who isn't 14 years old or been living in a cave for 20 years?

When I was dating 10 years ago the fade was common...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Here is where you are wrong. Many people have told me not now, and meant maybe later. If you say not now, I have to study for this test, and I can't thing about it....I can interpret it as maybe later. If you say no. I am not interested, there is no ambiguity. Or to put it another way, when you report a stalking incident to the police, and they find out that you have never told him no, they can not do much. In my case, they talked to me, and they said no for her, but that is not their job.

Yes please is ideal...would you like to go out...yes please, but how about after my mid term.

Otherwise, you are asking for trouble. (I am not saying it is the woman's fault, only that things can be misinterpreted).

It is not that hard. No means no, but it helps to say no. Maybe means maybe.

I agree that the line is not as clear as people like to think unless it's clearly drawn.

Society expects women to be polite and men to pursue. Too much of either and shit gets fuzzy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Yes, red flags!

Now is the time to stop all contact if he tries to continue it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:fade to black

totally normal and acceptable

No. It's awful. Don't do this.

AWFUL?

after one date?

come on. you go on a date. the other person calls/texts/emails and gets no response. they might send one more after that...and then its done.

three or four dates? definitely need some clarity.

Yes. I hate it when guys or job interviewers do it to me. A "Thank you, but not interested" makes everything clear and it quickly clears up the wondering. You don't have to wait days or a week or two to figure it out.

Tell the person "No thank you" as soon as you know, out of sheer courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Not really, i like to say until she's called the cops on you, you still got a shot.

Many guys (like my dad) get women who were not into them from the very beginning.

A girl texted me "i am not interested in pursuing this any further". I liked her directness.

Many women claim they have a "stalker" to feed their own ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Yes, red flags!

Now is the time to stop all contact if he tries to continue it.

Yes, if he contacts you again, do not respond. Ignore it. This guy sounds like he could be someone who thrives on negative attention so don't give him any attention at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well, OP is on here asking advice about stuff that is dating 101. its almost as if she has never done this before.

perhaps he is somewhat right even though he came off like an idiot

i mean, who needs to ask this question these days who isn't 14 years old or been living in a cave for 20 years?

Who doesn't know how to capitalize ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Kudos on sending the message, but those flags aren't very red. He's just showing he has self respect. What should he have said in this situation, something self derogatory, like "good move on your part, I'm a total ass clown"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:fade to black

totally normal and acceptable

No. It's awful. Don't do this.

AWFUL?

after one date?

come on. you go on a date. the other person calls/texts/emails and gets no response. they might send one more after that...and then its done.

three or four dates? definitely need some clarity.

Totally agree that the fade is acceptable in less-than-three date scenarios UNLESS you guys have mutual friends, know each other from work, or will otherwise have future contact/put other people in the middle, etc.

That said, this guy sounds like he'll keep after you unless he gets a clear no, and especially if you already sort-of agreed to a second date but are now rethinking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Not really, i like to say until she's called the cops on you, you still got a shot.

Many guys (like my dad) get women who were not into them from the very beginning.

A girl texted me "i am not interested in pursuing this any further". I liked her directness.

Many women claim they have a "stalker" to feed their own ego.

I can see your fedora from here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Not really, i like to say until she's called the cops on you, you still got a shot.

Many guys (like my dad) get women who were not into them from the very beginning.

A girl texted me "i am not interested in pursuing this any further". I liked her directness.

Many women claim they have a "stalker" to feed their own ego.

You are clearly a nutter butter. It's really not fucking funny. Stalking can easily escalate into more aggressive, physical, or violent behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Kudos on sending the message, but those flags aren't very red. He's just showing he has self respect. What should he have said in this situation, something self derogatory, like "good move on your part, I'm a total ass clown"?

Are you really that dense PP? He should have maintained his dignity and either said nothing or "good luck to you." Instead he went for the 7th grade jerk response which just confirmed OP's judgement.

How you see his response as "showing he has self respect" is concerning. How old are you? You can think that response to make yourself feel better, but mature adults with self-respect don't text that back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Kudos on sending the message, but those flags aren't very red. He's just showing he has self respect. What should he have said in this situation, something self derogatory, like "good move on your part, I'm a total ass clown"?

uh? actually they are very bright red. so having self respect in your book means coming out like an idiot ("there is nobody else better than me on earth for you" - yes, sure) to a woman who let you know in a polite way that she was not interested in dating you? (I guess you think she should have dated him anyway, so not to offend him, or string him along for a while). she did not offend him.

OP, high five to you for spotting the flags immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

NP here. Maybe they shouldn't need to draw the line unambiguously but it is a good policy to be clear. 8:01 is right that a lot of people, pursuers and the pursued, enjoy the pursuit and sometimes even games. Lots and lots of people. Even people people who respect that in the bedroom no means no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Kudos on sending the message, but those flags aren't very red. He's just showing he has self respect. What should he have said in this situation, something self derogatory, like "good move on your part, I'm a total ass clown"?

LOL. Agreed. Female here. It was a normal response.