Did anyone skip all secondary interventions and go straight to adoption?

[Anonymous]

Would love to go adoption route but DH not there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We decided against both interventions and adoption. It is very rare to meet someone who didn't try any interventions.

I know several people including myself who just jumped to adoption. You have to look at the cost/benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to go adoption route but DH not there yet.

Have him talk to some dads who adopted and let him see the experience. That helped my husband a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We decided against both interventions and adoption. It is very rare to meet someone who didn't try any interventions.

I know several people including myself who just jumped to adoption. You have to look at the cost/benefit.

I know three families who have done this or are in the process as well. All of them are exceptionally altruistic people, who are socially engaged in other ways as well. One family did an open adoption, the other adopted through the foster care system, the third is planning a adoption in Africa while they are posted there. It wouldn't be for me but I admire what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ethics?

Yeah, I've basically decided the kids who actually NEED homes are the older ones in foster care. I think most (not all, but most) women who carry a pregnancy to term would probably prefer to parent, but there's some obstacle (usually financial) in their way, and I think the best response to that situation is not to place their child with another family but to provide better services for women and children. And by adopting an infant (through anything other than foster care), I'm putting in a lot of money that helps to perpetuate adoption as the solution (versus other services).

It was really hard when we got the referral for our daughter (we adopted internationally; she was in foster care in her birth country). It was very clear from the background info we received that her mom wanted to raise her and just didn't have the wherewithal (bad job, no family support) to do it. And I had this horrible moment where I thought, all the money we paid to the various intermediaries to makes this adoption happen (the US agency, the overseas facilitator) -- if that money had gone to her mom, would she have been able to raise our daughter herself? I love my kid, and I am SO happy that she is my kid, but it's hard knowing my happiness comes at the cost of breaking up the family she was born into.

Anyhow, I wish that we were prepared to bring an older child into our family, but we just aren't. So we're going with donor egg IVF for #2.

Wow, I have never met anyone else who felt this way. This is the exact reason that my husband and I decided to pursue fertility treatments instead of adopting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ethics?

Yeah, I've basically decided the kids who actually NEED homes are the older ones in foster care. I think most (not all, but most) women who carry a pregnancy to term would probably prefer to parent, but there's some obstacle (usually financial) in their way, and I think the best response to that situation is not to place their child with another family but to provide better services for women and children. And by adopting an infant (through anything other than foster care), I'm putting in a lot of money that helps to perpetuate adoption as the solution (versus other services).

It was really hard when we got the referral for our daughter (we adopted internationally; she was in foster care in her birth country). It was very clear from the background info we received that her mom wanted to raise her and just didn't have the wherewithal (bad job, no family support) to do it. And I had this horrible moment where I thought, all the money we paid to the various intermediaries to makes this adoption happen (the US agency, the overseas facilitator) -- if that money had gone to her mom, would she have been able to raise our daughter herself? I love my kid, and I am SO happy that she is my kid, but it's hard knowing my happiness comes at the cost of breaking up the family she was born into.

Anyhow, I wish that we were prepared to bring an older child into our family, but we just aren't. So we're going with donor egg IVF for #2.

I find that position bizarre. First, it's unlikely that the $10 or $20K you spent would have provided a lifetime of support for your child by her birthmom. Second, although you're not choosing adoption, you're spending your money on IVF, not donating it to some needy family to prevent an adoption. Third, families aren't made with ifs and would'ves. The reality was that your child needed a home, there is no mechanism for your money to go to a needy birth parent, you wouldn't have spent your money that way anyway, and some other couple would have adopted your child. I really cannot get to any rational conclusion that there's any ethical concern with adopting an infant.

Also, your first bolded statement above is borderline offensive.

point by point: First, in the end it was closer to $30K, which certainly wouldn't have provided a lifetime of support, but it could've paid for a few years of child care until her daughter was school-aged, enabling her to continue to work to support herself & her child. Second, you're right that I'm spending the money on IVF, but in doing that I'm -not- contributing it to the adoption industry; I'm not giving anyone an economic incentive to place children versus supporting moms. Third, the fact that some other family would've adopted my daughter supports my point that there isn't a need for people to adopt infants -- absent legal prohibitions (such as in mainland China), people are clamoring to adopt infants, it's unlikely any infant will ever go without a home. It's the older kids who languish in foster homes (domestically) & orphanages (overseas).

YMMV. I wouldn't tell anyone else how they should or shouldn't go about building their family. Infant adoption presents ethical issues to -me-, but I would not have elaborated on those issues if a PP hadn't asked.

NP. You raise some excellent points. I've seen a number of posters try to make the case that fertility treatments are "unethical" but rarely do you hear the flip side of this argument.

[Anonymous]

Fertility treatments that "waste" fertilized embryos constitute abortion and are unethical to anyone who opposes abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fertility treatments that "waste" fertilized embryos constitute abortion and are unethical to anyone who opposes abortion.

How does that answer OP's question?

[Anonymous]

One of my dearest friends went straight to adoption after unexplained infertility. She is the adopted daughter of an adopted father, so they like to say it runs in the family. She and her husband adopted domestically and are the most awesome parents.

I know another family that didn't even try to conceive on their own and went straight to adoption. They are super environmentally conscious and didn't want to bring any more humans into the world.

[Anonymous]

I have serious concerns about infant adoption. As PPs mentioned, domestic infant adoption can be pretty unethical and some international adoption straight out illegal. It really is concerning that open adoption contracts are only legally upheld in 2 states. I can't think of anything less ethical than convincing birth parents to give you their child and then lying to them and not upholding the agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fertility treatments that "waste" fertilized embryos constitute abortion and are unethical to anyone who opposes abortion.

I'm so glad you can speak for everyone who opposes abortion

[Anonymous]

Folks on here need quite a bit of education on adoption. 75% of domestic adoptions are done through private placement, and it is easily possible to provide independent legal representation to the biological mother to ensure not only an ethical, but legally enforceable process in all states. If you're concerned about costs of international adoption, or agency adoptions domestically, then domestic private placement is the way to go, and the most common. Most mothers who give up their child for adoption do so not b/c they didn't have the $10k or $20k that it costs to adopt -- they also do so b/c they are young, don't have family support, have other goals besides motherhood, or face other situations that make parenthood difficult (I'm thinking of a friend who adopted from someone in an abusive situation).

So, adoption is not per se unethical. Mothers who choose the adoption route can be provided resources to make an informed decision that is best for them.

And more to the point of OP's post -- I do have friends that adopted before going through infertility treatments. Having a family was the most important thing to them. Having learned a bit about the process, I can see why. It offers more control than the infertility process, and a lot more certainty about bringing a child home than do infertility treatments.

[Anonymous]

[b wrote:Anonymous]Folks on here need quite a bit of education on adoption. 75% of domestic adoptions are done through private placement, and it is easily possible to provide independent legal representation to the biological mother to ensure not only an ethical, but legally enforceable process in all states. If you're concerned about costs of international adoption, or agency adoptions domestically, then domestic private placement is the way to go, and the most common. Most mothers who give up their child for adoption do so not b/c they didn't have the $10k or $20k that it costs to adopt -- they also do so b/c they are young, don't have family support, have other goals besides motherhood, or face other situations that make parenthood difficult (I'm thinking of a friend who adopted from someone in an abusive situation). [/b]

So, adoption is not per se unethical. Mothers who choose the adoption route can be provided resources to make an informed decision that is best for them.

And more to the point of OP's post -- I do have friends that adopted before going through infertility treatments. Having a family was the most important thing to them. Having learned a bit about the process, I can see why. It offers more control than the infertility process, and a lot more certainty about bringing a child home than do infertility treatments.

No, that's not correct. You need to educate yourself. The most unethical adoptions are typically through private attorneys where the single goal is to obtain an infant to place with the family that's paid them the big fat retainer.

So if you know so much about open adoption contracts tell me, what happens if the adoptive family doesn't live up to the agreement, what's their penalty? Yeah, a big fat nothing for the most part.

[Anonymous]

OP: go with your gut. by the time we were ready for adoption and had tried everything -- we were "too old" for adoption (38) we did not think we were too old, but they did. If your body will not carry a baby not matter what, adoption is where you will end up anyway.