Enjoy the present. If things go the way you fear, we'll deal with it then. (A vent)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope you had a decent holiday, OP. I've been thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.

Thanks, PP! Hope you had a good holiday, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Al-anon

Sounds like she's a drunk, too.

You pp are a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

To add another voice to the discussion -- I do NOT think the advice your therapist gave you is healthy. Maybe this is more what you heard than what he said, but either way, it's not okay. It's putting the blame on you and asking you to change to make him stop drinking. This is ridiculous and totally unhealthy. It's akin to telling a battered wife that she just needs to be a better wife, clean better, take care of her husband better, etc., and then her husband won't beat her. It is not YOUR fault that he drinks, and the responsibility for fixing this problem is not on your head.

From the sounds of it, however, you are the one who would like to see a change. Perhaps until now, DH didn't realize he had a problem. Maybe he is trying to come to terms with that and feels angry that you aren't struggling to go without alcohol and he is. Maybe he's realizing how hard it is for him and that scares him.

I do think the dynamics need to change. You cannot be his "keeper" and cannot be responsible for getting him dry. This is something he needs to realize for himself, and he's not going to really change until he is ready to. You can and should encourage him in this direction, but as much as possible, be encouraging rather than "monitoring," and try to present yourself as a partner rather than a foe.

I think it would be good to go see the therapist together and talk things through. I think he needs to be asked whether this is a plan he wants to make for himself -- no alcohol for at least a year. If he does, then he needs to see it as HIS plan -- not yours. Otherwise, he will blame you for his anger and will blame you if he messes up -- it's a no-win situation for you.

If he doesn't want to make this change, then you need to think about what you are willing to and able to deal with. Perhaps you need to sit down seriously and tell him, "Look, I love you like crazy and want to be with you, but I can't be with you if you continue drinking." Then you need to act -- take a break, get some separation. You don't need to live in an uncomfortable, unhappy, unsafe household, but if he isn't ready to change, then he's not going to.

[Anonymous]

Aaah. OP here. So his therapist disagrees he has a drinking problem, and I'm just being controlling. But can I speak to the therapist? Of course not. He doesn't think that is a good idea. So I told him we had an agreement for the good of us and our marriage, and I am sticking to it, but I'm doing me and he can do him. Really don't want to have to separate over Christmas, but what can you do? I did get a new therapist, so I'll ask her what to do first. Goddamn him, he's picking the booze over me and our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Live and let live.

Can you live as you do now?

If not YOU need to move on with your life. Are you unhappy? Move on. It is hard. Nobody else lives your life.

Sorry to say it but you can only control you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Live and let live.

Can you live as you do now?

If not YOU need to move on with your life. Are you unhappy? Move on. It is hard. Nobody else lives your life.

Sorry to say it but you can only control you.

No, I'm not. He has anger issues. The not drinking makes them more tolerable. I hoped the therapy would address whatever the underlying issues are that make him angry and make him self- medicate. But it sounds like I have to stop hoping for change. He wasn't like this when we were dating. It has slowly gotten worse and worse . Having kids, especially #2, blew it off the charts. Bit that was 8 years ago so I guess I've got to stop hoping it will ever be resolved enough for me.

I'm so glad his grandfather died this year. He was a minister and loved to brag about how none of the 100+ couples he married ever divorced. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, that should have said no, I can't live as they are now, or at least I don't think I can.

[Anonymous]

You are taking too much upon yourself, in feeling like you have let everyone down.

You must be prepared to follow through, if your husband doesn't keep your agreement. Are you prepared to do that?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is lying to you about seeing the therapist OP.

The two red flags: 1) he won't let you talk to him 2) that is highly unlikely assessment for a patient that had an intervention

[Anonymous]

Also I would check your bedroom or ever he's watching the other tv for alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's putting too much on you - "show him an alternate reality and incentivize him not to drink by making him invested in what we have now". I don't even know what that means, exactly. Your therapist does not sound experienced in this area. Al-anon would probably be more helpful to you at this point.

OP here. He has this whole theory about how people are not linear, so that something that has nothing to do with anything can cause an improvement. So, if things are better between us and I act like I enjoy his company and keep things good between us, that can cause him to want to hang on to that and not to drink.

Although now that I just typed that, does this sound like a recipe for codependence to anyone else? How do you draw the line between it being their choice and you continuing to believe (foolishly) that somehow if you are different it will change things? Eek.

For the PP who said I was a drunk, you must not be married to someone like my DH. This is somebody who if he makes a mistake driving somewhere it is my fault even if he was following his GPS that he programmed and I was not even paying attention. So of course I have a drinking problem, too. We're all equal at my house, at least in bad things. In good things, those seem to run only to him somehow.

you husband sounds a lot like an abuser in addition to be an alcoholic. be very careful about staying with somebody who does not want to deal with his problems other than using you as the scapegoat for his shortcomings. he is going to destroy you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are taking too much upon yourself, in feeling like you have let everyone down.

You must be prepared to follow through, if your husband doesn't keep your agreement. Are you prepared to do that?

OP here. I am hoping the new therapist will help me see the answer clearly, and also see clearly the right answer for the kids, and also where the line is where it's ok to get out if it's not good for me even if it's ok for the kids. I don't have any issue seeing the answer if the kids are better off if I go. It's the rest I find tough.

Thanks for the thoughts and ideas.