Reply to Enjoy the present. If things go the way you fear, we'll deal with it then. (A vent)

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Reply to "Enjoy the present. If things go the way you fear, we'll deal with it then. (A vent)"

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[quote=Anonymous]To add another voice to the discussion -- I do NOT think the advice your therapist gave you is healthy.  Maybe this is more what you heard than what he said, but either way, it's not okay.  It's putting the blame on you and asking you to change to make him stop drinking.  This is ridiculous and totally unhealthy.  It's akin to telling a battered wife that she just needs to be a better wife, clean better, take care of her husband better, etc., and then her husband won't beat her.  It is not YOUR fault that he drinks, and the responsibility for fixing this problem is not on your head.

From the sounds of it, however, you are the one who would like to see a change.  Perhaps until now, DH didn't realize he had a problem.  Maybe he is trying to come to terms with that and feels angry that you aren't struggling to go without alcohol and he is.  Maybe he's realizing how hard it is for him and that scares him.

I do think the dynamics need to change.  You cannot be his "keeper" and cannot be responsible for getting him dry.  This is something he needs to realize for himself, and he's not going to really change until he is ready to.  You can and should encourage him in this direction, but as much as possible, be encouraging rather than "monitoring," and try to present yourself as a partner rather than a foe.

I think it would be good to go see the therapist together and talk things through.  I think he needs to be asked whether this is a plan he wants to make for himself -- no alcohol for at least a year.  If he does, then he needs to see it as HIS plan -- not yours.  Otherwise, he will blame you for his anger and will blame you if he messes up -- it's a no-win situation for you.

If he doesn't want to make this change, then you need to think about what you are willing to and able to deal with.  Perhaps you need to sit down seriously and tell him, "Look, I love you like crazy and want to be with you, but I can't be with you if you continue drinking."  Then you need to act -- take a break, get some separation.  You don't need to live in an uncomfortable, unhappy, unsafe household, but if he isn't ready to change, then he's not going to.[/quote]

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