Considering an affair.....is it a huge mistake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having an ok marriage after 22 years is pretty damn good

Don't do it

Agree with this.
It is normal to be attracted to others. It is normal to be excited and intrigued when others are attracted to you. But it is also normal that this, too, shall pass. (Didn't you witness this in your own marriage? If you'd been married to this other guy for 22 years, you would now be saying the same things about your "okay" relationship with him.)

So the question to ask yourself is whether you are willing to risk what you have for some passing excitement and intrigue.

For me, the answer was, unequivocally, "no."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rule #1 for having an affair and keeping your sanity is to NEVER have an affair with someone you know, either through work or home. It's too close for comfort.

If you're going to fuck around, don't do it with someone who can blow up your life in the blink of an eye.

+1 Don't shit where you eat.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand how you must feel. It's like on one hand, you crave that excitement that you used to feel when you were younger . I get that. And then on the other hand, you know if you follow through w/this, the guilt just may eat you up. But then if you do not follow through, you will always wonder...What if??!

Honestly, this is a tough call.
I think you have just been married a long time and things are just comfortable, routine like now. And you are craving some excitement. Some pizazz in your life. That spark, that that......That giddy feeling again.

After 22 yrs of being married, I am not surprised that doesn't exist anymore w/your hubby. And no, if you do proceed w/this affair, this doesn't mean you do not love your spouse. It just means you are looking for something extra to spice up your life. Honestly, I do not blame you and think everyone needs to "shake things up" every now + then.

From reading your posting, I am pretty sure you already know just what you are going to do......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rule #1 for having an affair and keeping your sanity is to NEVER have an affair with someone you know, either through work or home. It's too close for comfort.

If you're going to fuck around, don't do it with someone who can blow up your life in the blink of an eye.

Do you speak from experience?

Yes. Was at an out of town work event, mixed alcohol and Xanax, (stupid, I know) and kissed an unmarried subordinate. He ended up having major work issues with another supervisor and was very angry. Coulf have "blown up my life" but thankfully did not. Do not do it -- not worth it.

[Anonymous]

I very much understand how OP is feeling but you need to decide if you love your husband and are just bored and looking for a way to spice things up OR if you just do not love your husband anymore. If the later, you need to call it quits be honest to yourself and him and do the right thing, then you will be free to go ahead and do as you please.

If you do love your husband than why not put this energy into him and your relationship? You have everything to gain. I think its very very normal for a marriage that long to feel mundane and remain stagnant, even boring. But there are so many things you can do to switch it up. I would advise to take a night or two away just the two of you.....sounds like you know its wrong. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

OP -

How would you feel if you found out your DH was having relations with another woman?

How do you think the wife of the other man is going to feel if she finds out?

I dido the thought that you are messing with more than just your marriage. You are messing with two marriages. Only a very selfish person would do what you are thinking of doing.

[Anonymous]

OP - Go back and read the title of your thread. "Considering an affair.....is it a huge mistake"

That was your question. Is it a huge mistake? Is it wrong to hurt your DH, hurt your kids, and potentially destroy your family? Is it wrong to help another person compromise his integrity? Is it o.k. to cause another woman - a person who has no vote in this - pain and heartbreak? Is it o.k. to hurt innocent kids because you are bored? Is it o.k. to help break up two families?

This isn't about how an affair will affect you. Our actions have lasting consequences to others.

[Anonymous]

Ex-DH here,

I was in an "OK marriage" for ten years until she got bored. I'm the type of guy who never really shows any emotion, but what she did tore me apart. My ex-wife, family and friends were all completely surprised by how bad I took it. Your actions can have consequences that you never consider. If you love someone, you don't intentionally hurt them, especially like that. If you're not happy, then talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rule #1 for having an affair and keeping your sanity is to NEVER have an affair with someone you know, either through work or home. It's too close for comfort.

If you're going to fuck around, don't do it with someone who can blow up your life in the blink of an eye.

Do you speak from experience?

Yes I do. My ex-lover knew almost nothing about my real life. Not my email, not my phone number, not where I work or what I do. We were involved for 2 years and we did not exchange any personal information or met up at the same place twice. It was an escape from our real lives in every sense of the word.

[Anonymous]

I would do it, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to someone else. You'd have to be careful, discreet and above all, not catch feelings! I think that's the hardest part for a lot of people, particularly women.

[Anonymous]

What do you hope to get out of it? Are you hoping for a one and done situation or something regular?

I'd also ask yourself if you're someone who can keep secrets from your spouse, if you carry guilt for things, and how much your romantic life has distracted you from things in the past.

Judging from my own ridiculously emotional encounters with a friends with benefits that blew up in my youth, my inability to even keep birthday gifts a secret from my spouse, and my life-long guilt that I accidentally broke a store sign when I was about 10, personally I'd be very ill-suited for an affair.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. It's the coward's way out. If you're dissatisfied with your marriage, then talk to your spouse about it before you do anything. If you feel bored, you owe it to him to communicate the problem and what you'd like to do about it.

Lying and hiding and covering up may feel exciting in the moment, but you're engaging in something that you know in your heart is wrong. That can't be good for you or your self esteem.

[Anonymous]

I'm considering chopping off my left hand.....is it a huge mistake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do it, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to someone else. You'd have to be careful, discreet and above all, not catch feelings! I think that's the hardest part for a lot of people, particularly women.

My FWB broke the feelings' rule and he fell in love with me. It got very messy.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. If you have to ask, then you know it's not right. Just like many of the previous posters stated, you stand to lose a whole lot by making this decision. If you're not interested in rekindling your marriage, get out of it then pursue other relationships, but don't bring your husband into it. The grass IS not always greener.