Should I tell my mom that my father is having an affair

[Anonymous]

Your mom probably knows. How do you know they don't have some sort of arrangement or understanding? Plus you aren't sure. I'd leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Weird thought but do you think the pastor knows? If yes could you ask him or her to speak to your dad and other woman? I would not tell mom and possibly not talk to dad about it. When mom tells you he is out with friend just call him on his phone to say hi. A little call from family at Inopportune times might just click him into reality.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom and dad met, fell in love, made you, raised you and now you are a grown adult. Their relationship is now really none of your business.

[Anonymous]

OP. Think about the reverse. If your mom knew your husband was having an affair, would you want her to tell you? What if she wasn't 100% sure, but saw something fishy? Would you still want to know?

Treat your mom how you would like to be treated.

Tell her what you know for sure. Say that you think X might be happening, but also realize that you might not have the whole picture and that you are there to support her no matter what. Listen to her. Support her in whatever she decides.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your dad first. If he is cheating then yes you need to tell your mom. That is major information to hold back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom and dad met, fell in love, made you, raised you and now you are a grown adult. Their relationship is now really none of your business.

I absolutely agree with this. You have no idea what goes on between them now. She could have given him tacit approval, knowing her health is impacting them. People change, and you know what? They're allowed to do that, away from their children. It doesn't mean you have to pretend that life is wonderful, but concentrate on helping them and being with them during this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some background info:
I am married with two kids. my siblings except one are no longer living with my parents. Completely by chance, I figured my father who is in his mid 60s is cheating on my mom. I dont know the extent of the realtionship. I dont even know if it is sexual (I can guess that it is, but dont know for a fact). Figuring this out came as a complete surprise to me since he has never been a type that flirts with women. In fact, my parent had a very good relationship togthere up until recent couple of years when both of them suffered sever health issues. As a married woman, I can tell wehn a marriage is good and when it is not and I can tell that my parents have been in love with each other for the past 35 years. My only guess is that the health issue has left my mom reluctant to any kind of intimacy, and my father on the other hand needs to prove himself that he is not old (if that makes any sense).
I have convinced myself time and again to just ignore the situation. At least for the sake of my younger sibling who is still at home, I dont want to shake the boat. BUt I also cant help feeing for my mom. It hurts me when I call and she innocently says your father just steped out to visit a friend, when I know where he probably has gone to.

I have two options in my mind: Ignore everything or to encounter my father.
I cant change his mind, but I can tell him that he cant fool everyone around him and that if mom finds out and if I have to choose I will choose her.

Need to hear your advice--please keep in mind that growunig up I have been very close to both my parents and that my relationship to my father is not one of dysfunctional ones.

Thank you

As I was growing up, I slowly found out that my grandfather was having an affair. My mother and her sister knew about it. I believe that my grandmother also knew. They slept in separate beds and never had showed any real affection towards each other. The irony is that I am in a similar relationship with my wife and I have a greater appreciation for his situation because of it. My kids are still in school and they may have some suspicion that their parent's relationship is not normal.. But they overlook it because their parents both love them more than their parents love each other.

You do not know the details of your parent's relationship.. You should not get involved.

[Anonymous]

Nobody knows what truly goes on in other people's marriages. I would stay out of it, it's not your business. Your business is your relationship with each of them as your parents, not as a participant in their marriage. If staying out of it causes you real discomfort, emotionally or otherwise, you should see a therapist to work out how to handle those feelings.

It is entirely possible that your mother knows, loves him, and wants him to be able to have what she can't or doesn't want to give him, and they maintain a polite fiction for people not directly involved, which includes you.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP! Since this thread was resurrected, how about an update?

[Anonymous]

1. Unless you have facts don't tell your mother.
2. If you have facts absolutely confront your father, give him the option to tell your Mom himself. If he doesn't tell her, you tell her.
3. Either way I would confront your father.

Knowing (not guessing or thinking) someone's cheating and not telling the other partner is the most despicable thing I can imagine. You don't want tthat on your consciousness for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought through all the likely outcomes of each of these actions and weighed their pros and cons?

If you bring it up with your dad and he denies it. He might be humiliated and offended that you would think he would do something like that. Or, you maybe you would continue believing in your own mind that he is having an affair even though he denies it and now in addition to being a cheater, he's a liar. Do you feel any better?

If you bring it up with your dad and he admits it and says that your mom already knows about it. How do you feel now? Do you believe him? Do you have a humiliating conversation with your mother about how she is letter her husband see someone outside their marriage?

Or, maybe he admits it and agrees to tell your mother and as a result they decide to get divorced or separate. Do you really want your parents to separate an be alone in their twilight years?

There are all kinds of scenarios here and none of them look like they will make anyone happier or lessen any of your anguish. If it were me, I'd stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, because she could have an STD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same situation...to add insult to injury....they are ALL within my church! I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with this. I feel betrayed, physically ill and consumed with a grief feeling inside. So...if I feel like this.....how will my mother (and sister) feel if they were to find out. It pains me even more to share something I know that would practically kill her emotionally and spiritually (it has me).

I hate going home now because of the unspoken demon that follows me in the house ---


I wish people who do this would think about how it devastatingly impacts the ones that care about them....this is such a selfish act.

Why are you such a wierdo, pulling this old thread up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My mom cheated on my dad for a while before I confronted her and told her the time (and games) were over...she would tell him that very minute or I would. I was 15 at the time and going through some tough times as being a teen isn't easy. I confronted her in the car as we drove home. I sobbed and cried because I knew the sheer hell that was about to happen. I cried in the car for over an hour and finally emerged. My mom eventually left my dad by moving out and told everyone she was moving so that repair work could be done on the house (another lie). My youngest siblings then were 3 and 5. I chose to live with my father. I still remember that day so well. My mom was 40 and my dad was late 40's.
I would make absolute sure you know for a fact that your father is having an affair before you say anything. Chances are, she probably knows. It might not be a physical or emotional affair. He could have an illness or something going on in his life that he doesn't want your mother to worry about. Could he be sneaking off to appointments? I don't know if men in their mid 60's seek out affairs for sexual reasons. I suppose they do. I guess I'm saying that because of his age maybe it's a little less likely ....?? If your dad has been faithful all these years, why be unfaithful now? I don't know, anything is possible. I would have my facts gathered before saying anything. What leads you to believe that your dad is having an affair?

God, teenagers are the worst.