Jewish perspective: Can I refuse to do the chairs dance at my wedding? (Not Jewish, but fiancé is?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From mayo clinic:

Lifestyle and home remedies
By Mayo Clinic staff
If you have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, it's important to prevent injuries and protect your skin and joints. Here are a few things you can do to safeguard yourself.

Avoid injury. Avoid contact sports, weightlifting and other activities that increase your risk of injury.
Reduce the clutter. To prevent falls and injuries at home, keep walkways and doorways clear of clutter. Avoid loose rugs and electric cords, which can increase your risk of tripping and falling.
Use mild soaps and sunscreen. To protect easily damaged skin and to guard against premature aging, use mild soaps and wear sunscreen when you're outside.
Coping and support
Prevention
Mayo Clinic products and services

I'm assuming this is you OP? I have EDS too. I get it. I also have cranio-cervical instability and other neuro problems and it sucks. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. I think it's lame your fiancé won't talk to his parents. It's an invisible disease and so hard for people to understand. Maybe send them this info? Has your fiancé gone to the doctor with you ever? I'm taking DH when our daughter goes for the first time to see if she got this awesome gift from me . Anyway might help him gain perspective. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we are doing the glass, the huppah, having the parents walk us up the aisle, signing the contract before the ceremony, and having a rabbi. I think the hora looks fun. I wish I could do it, but I think it is a bad idea (I have to avoid contact sports, dancing, weight lifting, etc). I am afraid my in laws will have you rxn. I guess we will tell them about my medical condition.

And btw, tons of people have disabling conditions that are invisible.

I realize this is completely off-topic, but I'm curious to know whether you'll be bringing up your children as Jews. I'm just thinking, why bother with a Jewish wedding if your family won't be Jewish anyway?

Oh eff off. Off topic intrusive and obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

[Anonymous]

I guess we will tell them about my medical condition.

That's what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

Not the OP, but ... my mother has epilepsy. My father wasn't told until after they were married. His father was VERY angry upon finding out, and I believe the term "damaged goods" was thrown out.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone.

[Anonymous]

I don't why but I find it hilarious that there could be a medical condition that would prohibit hora dancing. Now I have heard or seen everything.

[Anonymous]

I am starting to think this dance was a kind of test to make sure the bride is healthy enough...

[Anonymous]

I've seen some pretty wild chair dances. I wouldn't want to be up there in the best of circumstances, especially if some of the men are in their cups. IF you do it, have your husband tell groomsmen exactly what to do. Or, better yet, have family left you and make sure groosmen keep the excited guests who make want to get involved and lift you away and safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't why but I find it hilarious that there could be a medical condition that would prohibit hora dancing. Now I have heard or seen everything.

You are truly an asshole. Because that is a reduction to absurdity of the bride's limitations. Does it make you feel good to mock her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather not identify medical condition but it is genetic testable so he can't deny it. He is usually pretty good about it. he said we could skip it but that I would have to be the one to explain it to his mom, which I think is not cool, since she doesn't know about my condition.

This is a huge red flag. Scroll through the family forum. How many situations on here would be resolved and/or be a non issue if the DH would stand up to/talk about things with his parents?
I'd have a long, long chat with my fiancé about this one. He needs to tell his parents. Not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not at all insensitive of you to not be lifted in a chair. By the way, there is no such thing as a "chairs dance." The bride and groom are traditionally lifted in chairs during the Hora. The Hora is the name of the dance during which this typically happens.

There absolutely is something called a "chair dance." It's not typically performed at weddings, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

Not the OP, but ... my mother has epilepsy. My father wasn't told until after they were married. His father was VERY angry upon finding out, and I believe the term "damaged goods" was thrown out.

That seems shitty toward your father that he didn't know about his bride's condition until after they were married. I'd be angry at the sneakiness.

OP, I agree with the PP who questioned what this means as far as your fiancé dealing with his mom. The two of you should at least tell her together, although the best thing would be for him to tell her by himself. Would he like to deal with your mother by himself if there was something she needed to be told that you both thought she might not like?

FWIW, stand your ground and skip the dance. It's really not a big deal. Tell the dj/band leader, and if you have a best friend or sister, recruit them to run deadly interference in case any drunk guests try to rustle up a chair dance for you! Between them and your husband, the dance won't happen. Don't fret about it and focus on enjoying your day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

Not the OP, but ... my mother has epilepsy. My father wasn't told until after they were married. His father was VERY angry upon finding out, and I believe the term "damaged goods" was thrown out.

That seems shitty toward your father that he didn't know about his bride's condition until after they were married. I'd be angry at the sneakiness.

OP, I agree with the PP who questioned what this means as far as your fiancé dealing with his mom. The two of you should at least tell her together, although the best thing would be for him to tell her by himself. Would he like to deal with your mother by himself if there was something she needed to be told that you both thought she might not like?

FWIW, stand your ground and skip the dance. It's really not a big deal. Tell the dj/band leader, and if you have a best friend or sister, recruit them to run deadly interference in case any drunk guests try to rustle up a chair dance for you! Between them and your husband, the dance won't happen. Don't fret about it and focus on enjoying your day!

+1 OP, I do not think that your wedding is the time for you to explain all this to your in-laws. Just say you are not doing it -- no explanation. It is your fiancés job to tell his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we are doing the glass, the huppah, having the parents walk us up the aisle, signing the contract before the ceremony, and having a rabbi. I think the hora looks fun. I wish I could do it, but I think it is a bad idea (I have to avoid contact sports, dancing, weight lifting, etc). I am afraid my in laws will have you rxn. I guess we will tell them about my medical condition.

And btw, tons of people have disabling conditions that are invisible.

You do not need to share details with your ILs. Your medical condition is none of their business.

Your DH to be should tell them that you cannot so the Hora for medical reasons and decline to give more info, which is personal and not their concern.