S/O How do you interact with opposite sex spouse of a couples friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is actually kind of interesting to me at the moment.

My husband and I both has opposite-sex friends, and it's never been something I've given much thought to. We recently made new friends though, and due to our schedules, I'm hanging out more with the man than the woman (we're both home with our kids after school gets out) and for some reason it feels kind of awkward. Part of it is that I think I have more in common with the husband than the wife, and if I'm honest, I'm probably a little attracted to him (although I'm happily married and would never act on it). I feel like there are some unspoken rules I should be abiding by in this situation, but I'm not really sure what they are. I've definitely felt the need to make sure everything is on the straight-and-narrow -- copying his wife on texts to make plans, etc. It's weird.


Op here. This is the kind of thing I'm talking about. Interesting. Do you feel like he's being cautious as well?

Yeah, I kind of feel like we're all doing this little dance around it - he, his wife, me... not so much my husband, because he just assumes the best in people and probably wouldn't raise any concerns even if he had them, although the stuff I do to make sure everything is "above-board" is for his benefit as well as everyone else. So, I might want to invite FH (friend husband) to do something with me and the kids, but I make sure to do the initial inviting in front of FW (friend wife). When it gets to a point where FH and I have been spending a lot of time together, he'll reach out to plan something the my husband, and/or I'll think of some reason to make plans with his wife.

I'm hoping the whole thing will get less strange as we all get to know each other better. We're both new to the area, have kids the same age, and get along really well. That's been hard for us to find, so I really want our friendship to continue - but if things get too weird, yes, I'd pull away. I tend to send out the opposite of flirtatious vibes to guys, so I'm probably way over thinking this in the first place.

I understand. I'm in that position, too. Almost exactly. Sometimes when you have couples friends, you all have stuff n common, so naturally, there would be some kind of chemistry with the opposite sex spouse. The key is being sure you aren't making plans just so you can see the other person, even subconsciously. Also, never acknowledge that chemistry--- that, I believe, is how an affair begins. Don't know from experience though!

[Anonymous]

"I'll bet that married women are more likely to regard other guys as "just friends" and interact with them in that frame of mind while married men are less likely. Just because, in general, women are happier to regard men as friends than vice versa.

To me, an interesting corollary of this dynamic would be to determine whether women are more likely to become involved in affairs that "just happen" than men are."

Woman here. I've considered at one point or another whether I'd be interested in having sex with my friends' husbands, but only as a theoretical exercise. I'm not sexually interested in someone who is taken. And, I'd never cross that line, or even flirt, so keeping things at a friend level is never a problem.

[Anonymous]

Generally I try to avoid:
Calling the men and having long conversations. I can do my planning with the wife. I can talk to her husband when he is there.
Flirting.
Meeting him alone for drinks or lunch, except very rarely or exceptional circumstances, i.e., I am in the city for a job interview and he works there but she doesn't.
Paying too much attention to any man in particular at gatherings
Never put anything in writing you wouldn't want your spouse and his spouse to read
Never say anything you wouldn't want repeated
Never make a phone call to him that's long enough or frequent enough that if she sees his cell phone bill, she will wonder, WTF?

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of guy friends - always have, because I relate well to guys as well as girls. (I'm one of those people who also stays friendly with exes.) Yes, occasionally you do realize there's chemistry with someone that borders on the sexual, but it's easy to ignore that when it wouldn't be appropriate to act on it. I'm not flirtatious. There have been occasional times where either a woman gets nervous about my friendship with her guy or when a guy gets the wrong idea, but this has literally happened maybe 3 or 4 times in my 40 years. In those cases, I assumed the problem was them, not me, though I did examine my behavior to make sure I wasn't part of the problem.

OP, I see nothing wrong with being nice and friendly to your friends' husbands. If you felt a weird vibe off your friend once, that might mean they're having some issues, or maybe she asked him which of her friends he thinks is hot and he said you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally I try to avoid:
Calling the men and having long conversations. I can do my planning with the wife. I can talk to her husband when he is there.
Flirting.
Meeting him alone for drinks or lunch, except very rarely or exceptional circumstances, i.e., I am in the city for a job interview and he works there but she doesn't.
Paying too much attention to any man in particular at gatherings
Never put anything in writing you wouldn't want your spouse and his spouse to read
Never say anything you wouldn't want repeated
Never make a phone call to him that's long enough or frequent enough that if she sees his cell phone bill, she will wonder, WTF?

Good guidelines.

[Anonymous]

My wife is pretty damn hot and attracts men to begin with. Add the fact that she has no idea that she sends them the wrong signals and you have a recipe for unwanted advances from the spouses of our friends. I have to tell her sometimes that her love of "being one of the boys" gets taken just like it was taken in college - she's trolling for sex. She gets very upset with herself over this because she's just trying to have fun. I kind of feel bad for her because it has caused problems with friendships to the point of the wife of one our friends approaching me to ask if my wife was hitting on her husband. I explained that she doesn't know the boundaries and gives people the wrong impression and encouraged her to approach my wife directly. They are now closer friends than ever. Of course, the husband got a talking to by both my wife and his wife for making his intentions with my wife known (the idiot told his wife he wanted my wife and that the feeling might be mutual). We've moved on, he was embarrassed and I simply said "Hey, I can't blame you I'm in love with her too."

I have to manage my wife's eagerness and naive look at life. She will call a guy and ask him to a drink because she wants a line on a client or a job prospect. She has no idea that he thinks/hopes it's a date leading to an affair. I have to remind her what they are thinking when she innocently goes about her business with them.

On my side it's easy - I don't have friend's wives' numbers, email address and I don't friend them on facebook. I stay away from contacting married women outside of normal business. I have a clear barrier - I dont' think it's right for me to call a friend's wife for any reason. this keeps trouble from happening. You can't crash a car you never even drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is pretty damn hot and attracts men to begin with. Add the fact that she has no idea that she sends them the wrong signals and you have a recipe for unwanted advances from the spouses of our friends. I have to tell her sometimes that her love of "being one of the boys" gets taken just like it was taken in college - she's trolling for sex. She gets very upset with herself over this because she's just trying to have fun. I kind of feel bad for her because it has caused problems with friendships to the point of the wife of one our friends approaching me to ask if my wife was hitting on her husband. I explained that she doesn't know the boundaries and gives people the wrong impression and encouraged her to approach my wife directly. They are now closer friends than ever. Of course, the husband got a talking to by both my wife and his wife for making his intentions with my wife known (the idiot told his wife he wanted my wife and that the feeling might be mutual). We've moved on, he was embarrassed and I simply said "Hey, I can't blame you I'm in love with her too."

I have to manage my wife's eagerness and naive look at life. She will call a guy and ask him to a drink because she wants a line on a client or a job prospect. She has no idea that he thinks/hopes it's a date leading to an affair. I have to remind her what they are thinking when she innocently goes about her business with them.

On my side it's easy - I don't have friend's wives' numbers, email address and I don't friend them on facebook. I stay away from contacting married women outside of normal business. I have a clear barrier - I dont' think it's right for me to call a friend's wife for any reason. this keeps trouble from happening. You can't crash a car you never even drive.

Bull:

A) your wife flirts with your approval by pretending that she doesn't understand that what she does is inappropriate

B) the guy who "mistook" your wife's sexual advances for...sexual advances was "in love with her."

C) your wife allegedly is incapable of learning boundaries

Your wife is ripe for an affair, one that she will pretend to you was "accidental" because she is so "naive."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally I try to avoid:
Calling the men and having long conversations. I can do my planning with the wife. I can talk to her husband when he is there.
Flirting.
Meeting him alone for drinks or lunch, except very rarely or exceptional circumstances, i.e., I am in the city for a job interview and he works there but she doesn't.
Paying too much attention to any man in particular at gatherings
Never put anything in writing you wouldn't want your spouse and his spouse to read
Never say anything you wouldn't want repeated
Never make a phone call to him that's long enough or frequent enough that if she sees his cell phone bill, she will wonder, WTF?

Good guidelines.

LOL, thank you. I developed them because they are the OPPOSITE of what my now ex husband used to do. You can imagine why we are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is pretty damn hot and attracts men to begin with. Add the fact that she has no idea that she sends them the wrong signals and you have a recipe for unwanted advances from the spouses of our friends. I have to tell her sometimes that her love of "being one of the boys" gets taken just like it was taken in college - she's trolling for sex. She gets very upset with herself over this because she's just trying to have fun. I kind of feel bad for her because it has caused problems with friendships to the point of the wife of one our friends approaching me to ask if my wife was hitting on her husband. I explained that she doesn't know the boundaries and gives people the wrong impression and encouraged her to approach my wife directly. They are now closer friends than ever. Of course, the husband got a talking to by both my wife and his wife for making his intentions with my wife known (the idiot told his wife he wanted my wife and that the feeling might be mutual). We've moved on, he was embarrassed and I simply said "Hey, I can't blame you I'm in love with her too."

I have to manage my wife's eagerness and naive look at life. She will call a guy and ask him to a drink because she wants a line on a client or a job prospect. She has no idea that he thinks/hopes it's a date leading to an affair. I have to remind her what they are thinking when she innocently goes about her business with them.

On my side it's easy - I don't have friend's wives' numbers, email address and I don't friend them on facebook. I stay away from contacting married women outside of normal business. I have a clear barrier - I dont' think it's right for me to call a friend's wife for any reason. this keeps trouble from happening. You can't crash a car you never even drive.

Bull:

A) your wife flirts with your approval by pretending that she doesn't understand that what she does is inappropriate

B) the guy who "mistook" your wife's sexual advances for...sexual advances was "in love with her."

C) your wife allegedly is incapable of learning boundaries

Your wife is ripe for an affair, one that she will pretend to you was "accidental" because she is so "naive."

+1. Upton Sinclair once said, "It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it." This wife who is unable to learn when flirting is and isn't appropriate is like that. She gets feedback she likes from acting in this fashion, so she's not going to be quick about learning to knock it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is pretty damn hot and attracts men to begin with. Add the fact that she has no idea that she sends them the wrong signals and you have a recipe for unwanted advances from the spouses of our friends. I have to tell her sometimes that her love of "being one of the boys" gets taken just like it was taken in college - she's trolling for sex. She gets very upset with herself over this because she's just trying to have fun. I kind of feel bad for her because it has caused

Bull:

A) your wife flirts with your approval by pretending that she doesn't understand that what she does is inappropriate

B) the guy who "mistook" your wife's sexual advances for...sexual advances was "in love with her."

C) your wife allegedly is incapable of learning boundaries

Your wife is ripe for an affair, one that she will pretend to you was "accidental" because she is so "naive."

You're wrong and if you knew her, you' know it. not all people are scum.

[Anonymous]

Meh. We were friends of couples with "that kind of girl" - she/they struck me as insecure and having major daddy issues. They didn't actually want what wasn't theirs, they just wanted to think they could have it. We broke free from them and it was a huge weight off our shoulders.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife. On occasion that I'm alone with a male married friend, I will casually bring one of our spouses into the conversation. I think it's a way to make sure we're thinking about our spouses. If I mention my husband ("Harley would love this coffee!"), I'm telling the other guy that my marriage is important to me. If I mention his wife ("Did Larla get that promotion she was applying for?"), I'm saying that I respect his wife. I got this from some married male friends I had when I was single. I admired how they could be great friends with me and still be dedicated to their wives. It sounds awkward how I'm writing his here, but in real life, it works.

[Anonymous]

PP, when exactly are you alone with a married male friend? Work-related?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is pretty damn hot and attracts men to begin with. Add the fact that she has no idea that she sends them the wrong signals and you have a recipe for unwanted advances from the spouses of our friends. I have to tell her sometimes that her love of "being one of the boys" gets taken just like it was taken in college - she's trolling for sex. She gets very upset with herself over this because she's just trying to have fun. I kind of feel bad for her because it has caused

Bull:

A) your wife flirts with your approval by pretending that she doesn't understand that what she does is inappropriate

B) the guy who "mistook" your wife's sexual advances for...sexual advances was "in love with her."

C) your wife allegedly is incapable of learning boundaries

Your wife is ripe for an affair, one that she will pretend to you was "accidental" because she is so "naive."

You're wrong and if you knew her, you' know it. not all people are scum.

I'm not wrong. She "gets upset with herself" for sending the wrong signals, and yet continues to send them? That is complete and utter BS. Either she is not actually upset with herself, or she would demonstrate appropriate behavior. "Boo-hoo, poor me! I do not even realize how these perverts could get the wrong message from my flirting with them!"

[Anonymous]

Even Marilyn Monroe was aware of the extent of her sensuality. Your wife needs a little wake up call or something. Beauty is power & she is borderline abusing it methinks. Intentional, not intentional, whatevs. She needs a dose of reality.