Adopting a child exposed to narcotics in utero - guidance please?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all these helpful posts. I posted the original question about the 2.5 year old. Her father is now placing her and her younger sister for adoption (the younger one has the same exposure issues) together. My husband and I have talked extensively with a lawyer in our state and the state where the girls live. We also consulted a pediatrician. We may likely have a developmental pediatrician and neurologist evaluate them. So we are moving forward, but cautiously and carefully, and do appreciate your insights.

[Anonymous]

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Make sure mother is willing to sign off her rights or they can be easily terminated. Its just not as simple as one parent placing for adoption.

Also, check to see what your insurance provides and IF there are providers who will accept your insurance (i.e. speech, ot, pt) as we are running into the problem of being approved for services but no providers.

Understand that you can adopt/give birth to a child with special needs but they don't show up till later.

[Anonymous]

I am in awe of people who adopt children knowing they will have special needs. You are amazing and inspiring.

[Anonymous]

We adopted a baby 13 years ago who had been exposed to cocaine, heroin, LSD, methamphetamine, alcohol and tobacco in utero. I've seen these studies that say in utero exposure to illegal drugs has minimal or no long-term effect. They are full of baloney based on our experience and on the experiences of a number of adoptive parents we know with kids with similar backgrounds. We've had 4 psychiatric hospitalizations, 2 hospitalizations for reactions to medications, our child has adverse and atypical reactions to many, many medications probably because of the cocaine exposure, plus lots of language issues, lots of memory and cognitive issues, lots of behavioral issues, lots of social skills issues, lots of learning issues, and lots of issues with things like hypersexuality, a complete lack of understanding of how to protect himself from predatory people, no understanding of what he should and should not talk about with people, and a total inability to accurately judge who is a person you can trust and who is not (some VERY scary moments when he was 3-5, since he would literally go off with ANYONE; it's always fun to have to get security to help you find your child). And that's kind of the tip of the iceberg. Despite what anyone tells you or what any researchers claim, in utero drug experience can and does have many damaging effects on the child's central nervous system. Don't kid yourself: if you're adopting a kid with in utero drug exposure you need to be prepared for some very rough times. I'm not saying it's not worth it; it is. But it completely turned our lives upside down. Over the last 13 years we've had to move to another state for a therapeutic school (which our child was subsequently expelled from), we've spent in excess of $200,000 on treatment, therapy, hospitalizations, advocates, laywers, etc., etc., etc. for our child (above and beyond the regular cost of raising a child). Our savings are gone. My husband lost his job as a direct result of all the time required to deal with the public school system (which was totally and completely inadequate to deal with our child and had zero desire to learn to deal with him constructively) and the many hospitalizations. He got another one but it doesn't pay as much and the medical benefits are not as good. We reached the point where we had to ask our church to help with some of our medical bills because we just cannot afford all of this any more. Virtually every parent I know who has adopted a drug-exposed child has had similar experiences. At least one I know of ended up permanently institutionalizing her son. Many have repeated admissions to psychiatric hospitals with various diagnoses. Maybe these cases you mention that turned out so well are following very slight drug exposure, I don't know. But based on what I've lived through and seen other parents live through, you need to think long and hard about this before you do it. And I would suggest finding some of those parents and getting the low-down so you really understand what the challenges will be. There's a lot the adoption agency won't tell you. Here's a few *highlights*:
* feces routinely smeared around an entire bedroom -- required scrubbing all the walls from top to bottom, scrubbing the floors, stripping the bedding and washing all of it, and scrubbing down every piece of furniture in the room -- that's all AFTER you strip your child and throw his feces-caked clothing in the washing machine and put him in the tub and scrub him from head to toe; then you have to find a safe place to park him where he cannot do equal damage while you spend the rest of the day scrubbing and disinfecting the bedroom. Now imagine doing this daily for years.
* taking at least 3 sets of spare changes of clothing with you to ever function until your child is 7 years old and finally completely potty trained; and coming home early from many activities because your child has gone through all the extra sets.
* having to learn how to safely put your child in a physical restraint; doing it up to six or seven times a day, while your child thrashes, kicks, punches, pulls hair, bites, spits, head butts, scratches, elbows, and body slams you, all while calling you every foul word he can think of (and after his first stay in a juvenile psychiatric facility, he will know a lot of them).
* not having your child say "I love you" until he is 8 years olds.
* being told repeatedly (as you struggle through everything above) that your child hates you, wishes you'd never adopted him and wishes you were dead.
* getting called by the public school system to come pick up your son -- he just gave his preschool teacher a bloody nose
* getting called by the public school system to come pick up your son -- he just completely trashed the resource room at his elementary school.
* having your child try to jump out of a moving car on the freeway.
* having your child sexually molested by a neighbor kid because your kid is obsessed with sex and won't stop talking about it and the neighborhood kid thinks it's funny to get your "weird, retarded, special needs kid who rides the special needs bus every day" to do some disgusting things while you watch and them go tell all your buddies.
* having your child with you 24/7 even after he's a teenager because you can't be sure it's safe to leave him home by himself.
* listening to your son cry and tell you how lonely he is because he has no friends.
* listening to the first grade I.E.P. team tell you "don't worry; we can train your son as a janitor" -- at 7 years old, they're already giving up on him.
* listening to the comments of people as you physically carry your screaming, thrashing five year old child from Costco; he lost it because you said "no" to something; on the way out several people will comment on your obviously bad parenting skills and on your clearly spoiled rotten child.
* Never, ever being able to relax at any function like a movie, or church, or a birthday party, or a school events -- because you have to watch your child like a hawk every second, so that you can help him avoid loud discussions of bodily functions during quiet moments or get him out before he starts throwing things around the room.

I could go on and on and on. Everyone of these is a real, I-lived-it moment from my life with our adopted son. And there are so many more like this that I could easily fill a large books. Probably two large books.

So the rose-colored-glasses "they all grow out of it" thing sounds nice, but you need to look beyond wishful thinking and find out what things are really like before you take the plunge.

Tammi

[Anonymous]

That is terrifying, PP.

[Anonymous]

My step mother adopted 2 who were born addicted to heroin. The older is a hot mess and in a residential facility now. He has ODD and OCD. The younger has no personality issues, but has learning issues.

[Anonymous]

I would be more concerned about the rrason why father is giving her to strangers rather than family. I also think you will need to have mother's consent.