Adopting a child exposed to narcotics in utero - guidance please?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are pursuing domestic adoption. A birth father who has decided to place his daughter (2 and a half years old) for adoption has contacted us. The daughter's mother has been deemed unfit to care for little girl and the father has full custody. The mother is addicted to narcotics and when the daughter was born she had drugs in her system (and she was born 1 month premature at about 4lbs). The father says the daughter does not display any signs of disability/damage as a result of drug exposure. She seems like an sweet, lovely little girl and my husband and I are very interested in adopting her. Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? Any guidance on what we should know or look into as we move forward? Many thanks!

[Anonymous]

I would get an evaluation for the child and talk to an attorney. Just because dad has full custody does not mean you cannot adopt without her consent or have her rights terminated.

[Anonymous]

I think it can go either way - some kids recover and have little life long issues, other kids have major issues. As far as her being "sweet, lovely" honeymoon period where the kid will be on their best behavior so don't base it on one short meeting. Even at that young age, children can have very serious emotional and behavior problems.

Ask if the mom drank alcohol and whether she drank when pregnant. Google for pics of children with fetal alcohol to compare features with the child. The effects of that are actually worse for long term outcomes then children born addicted to narcotics I believe.

If you meet the child again, look at developmental checklists before going and try to get a sense if she is meeting or met milestones or not.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids who had drug exposure and they are wonderful, healthy kids. They both developed right on target. They do have ADHD but that can happen either way and both their birth moms seem to have it as well so it could be genetic. I will say that this will not be easy and that you need to be prepared for possible attachment issues and anything else that might come up. That said, if you and your husband are both completely on board with this and ready to accept the challenges, it will be the best thing you ever did.

[Anonymous]

The Nicole Richie Story.

[Anonymous]

There are lots of different types of narcotics. Heroin exposure us different from, say, methadone or Vicodin. In many cases the worst that happens is that the child has to go through withdrawal at birth, but has no lingering effects. The prematurity itself could present problems. But if this child is 2.5 years old you should be able to get a pretty good idea of what the issues are.

[Anonymous]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/15/AR2010041502434.html

(The article didn't get it quite right, growing up in unstable households proved to have more negative effects than the drugs themselves.)

[Anonymous]

So you're giving this kid a new lease on life!

[Anonymous]

16:38 here. I think the bigger question than the issue of drug exposure is: what has her life been like so far? Has she been loved and nurtured? Is she fully bonded with anyone? Has she experienced abuse or neglect? If she had reasonably good early experiences and she got love and attention in her first two years, she will grieve the loss of her birth family but she will also be more likely to attach to new parents and she has a higher chance of being okay. There is a tendency to want to "rescue" a child who has been abused but, before you do that, you must be prepared for possible challenges. Parenting is hard enough. Make sure you read up on on attachment and know what you could be getting into.

[Anonymous]

I have two adopted siblings who were exposed to drugs in utero. One of those siblings is now a crack addict who is in and out of jail. The other sibling is a fabulous person who works and loves his family. Obviously both of them grew up in the same home and they turned out so differently. While it could go really well for you, based on my experience, and seeing what my parents went through, I would not do it.

[Anonymous]

21:23 here

Also, I want to add that my brother had numerous issues growing up so it was no walk in the park with him either for awhile. As an adult, he is wonderful. As a kid, he was a handful and a half!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two adopted siblings who were exposed to drugs in utero. One of those siblings is now a crack addict who is in and out of jail. The other sibling is a fabulous person who works and loves his family. Obviously both of them grew up in the same home and they turned out so differently. While it could go really well for you, based on my experience, and seeing what my parents went through, I would not do it.

I think it's wrong to attribute addiction to prenatal drug exposure. My biological brother is a drug addict and he never had any drug exposure. Some people just have that addictive gene. It can happen to anyone. I don't believe that my adopted kids are any more likely to have addiction problems than my bio kid whose dad was an alcoholic. Sure, they had some exposure and they will have some challenges because of it, but there are a lot of other factors involved. The main thing that seems to influence children to become addicts is watching their parents' addictive behavior. Kids with good role models for parents tend to do much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two adopted siblings who were exposed to drugs in utero. One of those siblings is now a crack addict who is in and out of jail. The other sibling is a fabulous person who works and loves his family. Obviously both of them grew up in the same home and they turned out so differently. While it could go really well for you, based on my experience, and seeing what my parents went through, I would not do it.

I think it's wrong to attribute addiction to prenatal drug exposure. My biological brother is a drug addict and he never had any drug exposure. Some people just have that addictive gene. It can happen to anyone. I don't believe that my adopted kids are any more likely to have addiction problems than my bio kid whose dad was an alcoholic. Sure, they had some exposure and they will have some challenges because of it, but there are a lot of other factors involved. The main thing that seems to influence children to become addicts is watching their parents' addictive behavior. Kids with good role models for parents tend to do much better.

I am the person you are quoting. I am no expert and do not pretend to be one. I really know nothing about in utero exposure and the likelihood of later addiction-I have never researched it. She asked a question and I answered based on my personal, limited experience. I have two adopted siblings. Both had some serious issues. One of them still does, the other has been able to move beyond them. Sorry if I did not make it clear that I was basing my comment on my limited experience. After what I saw my parents go through I would not adopt a child who was exposed to drugs in utero. I just wouldn't. Again, just my very personal experience. No research, no facts (aside from my own) and no assumption to know what will happen in all cases.

[Anonymous]

Since we are answering based on personal, limited experience and not research, I'll add my own. I was exposed to marijuana and speed in utero. I am also adopted. No addictions as an adult and no issues as a child. There's nothing in my file that says anything about withdrawal but I was bounced around foster homes for a few months in the beginning so who knows. My parents got me at three months and it's been boringly normal ever since. I'd be far more worried about alcohol exposure.

But, I also agree that the bigger question here is that the child is a little older and may have issues as a result of how she has been parented. To lose parental rights you have to be a pretty bad character. I'm not saying that you shouldn't adopt this child, but that you should educate yourself much more thoroughly on how to parent children who come from these types of situations. It's not a simple thing to forget the only parents you've ever known, even if they are terrible people. This is not a situation where you get a month of tears and then everything is forgotten.

[Anonymous]

If you are not using a lawyer or agency, you should to be sure everything is done legally and that once the adoption occurs it can't e overturned.

Agree with PPs who suggest educating yourself on issues with adopting older kids. I did it three times and there are challenges you face that are different than those adopting or having a baby. Educating yourself on loss and attachment issues would be helpful, as well as on resources for support. I have a large support network and most people say that this network was really helpful during the early years after adoption and that people outside the network didn't understand what they were going through.

I know someone posted a link to facial features for alcohol exposure. Don't get comfortable is you don't see signs in the child. Often kids don't develop the features until they start losing their teeth and getting adult ones. Also cognitive signs of FASD often don't show up until kids are older. The people I know who hade FASD kids (which admittedly is anecdotal information) never saw signs in their kids until middle elementary school. All the kids I know we're diagnosed in third grade.