women who don't work or raise kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One other question to the women who chose to stay home before having kids. Do you feel like you have to ask your husband for money? Is there an expectation that you are "pulling your weight" so to speak -- perhaps running a household, cooking meals? Or are things really equitable with no questions asked? I guess it probably depends on the marriage.
Also, I wonder if there are any men out there whose wives do well who choose to stay home without raising kids.

I'm the one whose mother was also a housewife. No, I don't ask my DH for money. Firstly, I came into this marriage with money. I never spend more than interest payments (so, no principle). Secondly, he contributes by bringing in the current generation's money. I contribute by scheduling 90% of our social life, and keeping up the house. We simply contribute in different ways.

What we agreed on was that any time either one of us were going to spend more than $200 on any purchase, we'd let the other know, so if they had any concerns about it, they could be raised. So he'll say "I'm going flat screen shopping," and then I know he's going over. Or I'll tell him, "I'm meeting Jessica and we're going to Neiman," and then he knows I'm going over. Obviously not needed when we go out to dinner together, or before Christmas or birthdays or Valentine's Day.

OP here. Ok, well this makes sense. I think the fact that you came to the marriage with your own money makes this lifestyle choice more feasible (it seems that without one's own money and not raising children, there might be an imbalance of power in the relationship). Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is why both partners don't work until they can afford to both retire. I hate working and can totally understand not wanting to work, but I can't imagine thinking my husband should work while I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never really thought about it - my mother was a housewife and quit her job as soon as she got married, and so that's the expectation I had for myself when I got married too. Working isn't all that great. I have a much better time waking up when I want, not having to rush through workouts and errands and meals and phone calls, can wear whatever I'm in the mood to wear.

There's plenty to do to fill up the day. I like not working.

So you planned to be a vicarious consumer?


Wow.

nothing vicarious about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't understand is why both partners don't work until they can afford to both retire. I hate working and can totally understand not wanting to work, but I can't imagine thinking my husband should work while I don't.

This. But I think there is a societal expectation that men work, whereas women can get away with living off the men. Hence why we don't see many men quitting their jobs upon marriage and prior to children.

[Anonymous]

I just had one other thought. Since this path isn't really a choice for most young people, who do you hang out with all day while your friends are working? the moms are busy with kids...so does it get lonely?

[Anonymous]

I had a friend in college, who married her college boyfriend within a month of graduation and has stayed home every since and never held a job. At that time, I was pretty judgmental about it -- why would anyone who just earned a degree want to be home, all day every day, in a small town where there aren't lots of options for volunteering, socializing etc., just waiting for her H to call from work a few times and then for him to rush home. They didn't have kids for 4-5 yrs so she was just taking care of the house -- there wasn't much to take care of with cleaning, laundry, meals for just 2 22 yr olds. Fast-forward 10+ years, after going to professional school and spending my life trying to make jacka$$ biglaw partners happy and being attached to my blackberry constantly, I definitely think she made the better life decision.

[Anonymous]

No work and no kids to raise--- sounds like a dream!!!

[Anonymous]

My sons are being taught the song " got to have a J-O-B if you want to be with me". If I had daughters I'd teach them the same!

[Anonymous]

I really hope my fed agency offers early outs when I'm 50. I'd love to train for a marathon, cook from scratch, spend summers with the kids, volunteer, and find some very part-time work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never really thought about it - my mother was a housewife and quit her job as soon as she got married, and so that's the expectation I had for myself when I got married too. Working isn't all that great. I have a much better time waking up when I want, not having to rush through workouts and errands and meals and phone calls, can wear whatever I'm in the mood to wear.

There's plenty to do to fill up the day. I like not working.

such important decisions you're making there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, WHY would you work if you don't have to unless you love your job? I certainly wouldn't.

My question is why would you work at a job you don't love?

[Anonymous]

Most often it is women without real careers.
One I know worked as a school teacher at a private Christian school, but she had no teacher training.
What got to me was the complaints I had to listen to about her man not earning enough and 'poverty'. But then she was comparing her life to the life of her older sisters who had several years of salary behind them.
She married a man who cannot tolerate if the dinner is ready at exactly the same time every day.
So in some ways her life was nothing to be jealous of. But I just could not relate to anything she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between the economy and the divorce rates in this country, women who get comfortable not working and living off someone else are in for an incredibly rude awakening when they have no skills and need to make their own living.

It's a terrible thing to plan for, yet odds are good, these days, that something is going to burst the SAH bubble.

A smart woman has a plan and doesn't settle for reading magazines, sleeping in, or working out. These won't pay the bills.

+1

I know three in that boat.

And it SUCKS to be these gals!

[Anonymous]

I know someone who quit her job when she got married. Her DH became a big law partner and she shopped all day, everyday. She finally popped out two kids but has a housekeeper and nanny. I'm not jealous. They are in couples counseling. Actually, she's pretty nice but I don't think very highly of her. If you are not working and don't have kids you do not need a housekeeper. They didn't live in a big house. She was just lazy and a gold digger. Her husband got the trophy wife he always wanted (and her eating disorder too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:such important decisions you're making there

And who said that every decision in life had to be an important one? Do the old "if I got hit by a bus".... are YOU truly irreplaceable (sp?) in your job?

Another PP mentioned finding a new job you loved. What if you love more than anything cooking or decorating or whatever. Is it more acceptable to cook for a living than to cook for your family? Is it more acceptable to be a professional interior decorator than to focus on making your own home beautiful? To be a personal trainer to others as opposed to focusing on your own fitness and health?

Putting aside the (not insignificant) issue of being able to support one's self in the event of DH's death or divorce or job loss, I can see lots of reasons why I wouldn't work given the opportunity. About a decade ago I lost my job when the dot com bubble burst. It was a scary four months financially but I also promised myself that if it happens again I'll balance working my ass off finding a job with trying to enjoy the "found" free time.

I'm great at my job. I make a good living. But if money weren't an issue, I'd quit in a heartbeat. I may feel important in the office every day, but i'm not a Cabinet-level Secretary, my daily contribution to the greater good of the world is not unique.