Do you tell his wife?

[Anonymous]

DH here: normally I think that a person who discovers an affair should, in most circumstances, tell the aggrieved spouse, and a person who commits one should confess to their spouse. But, here, nothing happened other than words. Let it go, no harm was actually done.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if this is a troll, but then given that there is actually a slight diversity in viewpoints, maybe not. You flirted with each other, and he asked about moving beyond flirting. You appear to have told him you weren't interested, and it appears he took you at your word. End of story. Maybe if he continues to pursue you after you told him you weren't interested and assuming you do not continue to flirt, there is an issue. Otherwise, yeah, 2012 or 1950, if you flirt with someone there will always be the possibility that they will ask about more. There is nothing "creepy" in the facts you describe, and, 2012 or 1950, telling either your spouse or his makes me wonder about you, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is a troll, but then given that there is actually a slight diversity in viewpoints, maybe not. You flirted with each other, and he asked about moving beyond flirting. You appear to have told him you weren't interested, and it appears he took you at your word. End of story. Maybe if he continues to pursue you after you told him you weren't interested and assuming you do not continue to flirt, there is an issue. Otherwise, yeah, 2012 or 1950, if you flirt with someone there will always be the possibility that they will ask about more. There is nothing "creepy" in the facts you describe, and, 2012 or 1950, telling either your spouse or his makes me wonder about you, not him.

Yup!!!!! Whatever he/she just said above, it hits the nail on the head.
I hate the word, but the "c" word comes to mind with the OP. She is no saint. Yet she wonders if she should tell the guy's spouse....who does she think will be better off by this? The hubby? the wife? their kids? her? her hubby? what an idiot. She needs to take up knitting, cause she has too much time on her hands.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is anything wrong with the flirting though...some people just have more flirtatious personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is anything wrong with the flirting though...some people just have more flirtatious personalities.

Agreed, I flirt all the time BUT, I draw the line at my friends' spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is anything wrong with the flirting though...some people just have more flirtatious personalities.

I agree 100%. However, all flirters realize that, on occasion, the "flirtee" reads more into it. You decline the offer and move on. You don't play out this self-imposed morality dilemna about telling the flirtee's spouse.

[FBO]

Asked and answered.

Why in the hell would you tell someone? Are we still 4yrs old on the playground? Really? People need to mind their own house before trying to wreck others.

[Anonymous]

Do not tell. Chances are he has propositioned others as well.. ... But nothing can be gained by telling her. I would not want to know. MIYB. Chances are she might already "know" but be in denial. Let he have her happy life. Stay out of it, just draw your own boundaries. Not your business.

[Anonymous]

why so much vitriol against OP? I mean, I agree that flirting is not necessarily a marriage builder, but we have no idea what she meant by flirting. Maybe pretty low key stuff. and there's a big leap between a little flirting and deciding to embark upon an affair. So I think that the vitriol against the OP and the implicit "pass" onthe part of the married guy (he's just responding to her, she's the tease, its her fault, etc) is misogynistic.

OTOH, I totally agree that OP should keep her mouth shut. No good will come by telling on him.

[Anonymous]

Misogynistic? Hardly. If it was a dude, he'd get the same response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, flirting is FINE. What is wrong with all of you?
Flirting between married people is the only way we can get our rocks off with people other than our spouses!
He was wrong to want it to go further, though. And she should be very clear with him and cut out the flirting to send a strict message

And NO WAY should you tell anyone. No point. Stay out of it. If he wants to cheat he will find a way and she will find out somehow. I really think it's not going to do any good for you to get involved. Your friend will resent you and be jealous NO MATTER what. And if they stay together your friendship with them will certainly be over because you will be a) a threat (he thinks you are cute) and b) a reminder of his indiscretion

As for telling your DH about how you flirted. I have been in a sorta similar situation. A friend was jealous about my friendship with her husband. I talked it over with my own husband and we talked about how i do act flirty with this guy and with other guys but that doesn't mean i would ever take it any further. My DH totally gets that. Thinks it's sorta hot that I am flirty. He is not threatened by it and vaguely turned on by it. Of course, he would go ballistic if i made any moves or did anything beyond flirtation!

I supposed you may be technically correct but doing what you do isn't any different than someone walking around waving $100 bills and then being outraged when someone steals it from her. In her mind, she wasn't inviting anyone to steal it and if she wasn't giving it away it IS stealing but waving that $100 around sure seems like an invitation....a giveaway.

Spoken like someone who blames rapes on short skirts. Get over it, dude: women aren't obligated to want to sleep with you. Since this is true even when their pants are actually off, it's even more true when their terrible behavior is laughing at your unfunny jokes or patting you on the arm.

No, it's more like someone going around lifting up her skirt, revealing she's not wearing panties and asking if someone could help her scratch an itch.

[Anonymous]

PP and the other "the woman made me do it" posters are ridiculous. Flirtation is everywhere. I'm a fairly reserved person, but the dry cleaner guy, the guy at the deli, my colleagues, etc. all flirt from time to time. And I am hardly so good looking or friendly that my situation could be considered remotely unusual. Unless the OP really is hiking up her skirt with an itch, everyday flirtation does not justify a proposition to commit infidelity.

That said, OP should definitely keep her mouth shut in terms of "telling."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and the other "the woman made me do it" posters are ridiculous. Flirtation is everywhere. I'm a fairly reserved person, but the dry cleaner guy, the guy at the deli, my colleagues, etc. all flirt from time to time. And I am hardly so good looking or friendly that my situation could be considered remotely unusual. Unless the OP really is hiking up her skirt with an itch, everyday flirtation does not justify a proposition to commit infidelity.

That said, OP should definitely keep her mouth shut in terms of "telling."

Sure, there are different levels of flirting but 1) you shouldn't be doing it with someone's spouse - ever and 2) OP's flirting was such that her friend's DH thought she was interested in an affair. That's a lot different than the engaging/friendly banter you may have with others. Sounds like OP has been hiking up her skirt to me...

(BTW - who said "the woman made me do it"? I didn't see anyone post anything like that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is a troll, but then given that there is actually a slight diversity in viewpoints, maybe not. You flirted with each other, and he asked about moving beyond flirting. You appear to have told him you weren't interested, and it appears he took you at your word. End of story. Maybe if he continues to pursue you after you told him you weren't interested and assuming you do not continue to flirt, there is an issue. Otherwise, yeah, 2012 or 1950, if you flirt with someone there will always be the possibility that they will ask about more. There is nothing "creepy" in the facts you describe, and, 2012 or 1950, telling either your spouse or his makes me wonder about you, not him.

Pretty much this. I wouldn't keep flirting with the guy, and if he maintains his gentlemanly air, no need to tell anything or tell the wife.

If the guy keeps on flirting, I wouldn't tell the wife unprompted, but I would led the hubby know that I wouldn't cover for him if the friend asks a question. Distancing yourself might be the answer here.

For all we know, the friend teases her hubby about his "lover."