how to torture my MIL...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should shut up..really??? Thus is what we saw happen with my mom..unusual and socially inappropriate behavior can be a first sign. And yes family does need to deal with it..with kindness.

I have to second this. I have a uncle that was like this- he has now been diagnosed with early onset alzheimer's after years of making everyone around him want to leave the room. If she's always been a total PITA then find something fun and harmless to make yourself feel better. But, if this is a change, it is definitely something to consider.

[Anonymous]

9:08 - OP, go with this one.

I never agreed with passive aggressive southern smiling answering with a question BS, it always seems so transparent and fails to be effective.

Just tell it like it is, short and sweet. Be real. ITA that you can freak her out to the extent you deem necessary, and yes I know this would be passive aggressive, but hell, game on!

And if I must regress, she DID start it......

Have fun, OP!

P.S. I don't know that I agree with the criticism bit, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spit on those fresh muffins, and replace her pills for the sinus infection with laxatives. That'll teach her.

This is disgusting. I hope you're joking.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a son? If so, tell her you hope he's gay because you think gay guys are the best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:08 - OP, go with this one.

I never agreed with passive aggressive southern smiling answering with a question BS, it always seems so transparent and fails to be effective.

Just tell it like it is, short and sweet. Be real. ITA that you can freak her out to the extent you deem necessary, and yes I know this would be passive aggressive, but hell, game on!

And if I must regress, she DID start it......

Have fun, OP!

P.S. I don't know that I agree with the criticism bit, really.

Hmm you don't agree with the passive aggressive southern smiling answering BS-----but then you say to go ahead and be passive aggressive to freak her out, you are really annoying

[Anonymous]

I would be careful about seeing a couple's therapist. We went to an older therapist who I thought was going to rip out her boobies and start breast feeding my husband for being so devoted to mommy. Even he thought it was strange how much she took his side when even he thought he needed help drawing some lines in the sand.

I spoke to a therapist friend and this woman did so many questionable things including trying to give a diagnosis that will get insurance reimbursement regardless of whether it applied. She also said she would call it individual therapy so we could get money from insurance. (For the record, most insurance does not reimburse for couple's. We opted out of the shady stuff, because it bordered on insurance fraud in our opinion). Should insurance pay for couple's therapy? Of course! That did not justify phony diagnosis and bills though.

[Anonymous]

"Betty, if you aren't willing to help with Timmy, please tell Bob or me. Leaving him sit in a dirty diaper gives him a very painful rash and that's not fair to him. You don't have to take care of him if you don't want, but don't neglect him either." Bam! Call her out - nicely.

Faucet - shrug it off. But as for the backhanded comment, just a simple "Sorry you feel that way. No one's ever pointed that out to me before"

I probably would have gotten the muffin too if it was a one time thing (are they visiting?) but after coming back I would have said "Oh I just came back and have things to put away. I'm sure Bob will take you." Busy yourself with the kids or house and deflect straight onto DH.

"I'm sorry you aren't happy with the way I parent but this is how we do it so I guess you'll have to manage."

And yes, you probably will have to get a thick skin because she will keep saying things, but that does NOT mean you can't challenge her each and every time and it certainly does NOT NOT NOT mean that your husband shouldn't back you up!! The fact that he lets these comments pass is even more cruel than her making them to begin with. Sure "she's like that" but does he have to be too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:08 - OP, go with this one.

I never agreed with passive aggressive southern smiling answering with a question BS, it always seems so transparent and fails to be effective.

Just tell it like it is, short and sweet. Be real. ITA that you can freak her out to the extent you deem necessary, and yes I know this would be passive aggressive, but hell, game on!

And if I must regress, she DID start it......

Have fun, OP!

P.S. I don't know that I agree with the criticism bit, really.

Southerners have no "hold" on passive aggressiveness. Interestingly, Wikipedia says it has a "dignified history" related to Irish dissidents, Ghandi, and Quakers--just FYI!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this. The way I deal with it is to set limits. For example, I never see her for more than 48 hours in a row even though we live across country. Long visits are a big no-no. So, put the brakes on those for sure.

As for the demands for fresh muffins, etc., those are absolutely your husband's responsibility not yours. It's no surprise that he thinks these demands are no big deal - they're not, for him! It's no skin off his back if you are doing all the work. So, any time his parents want something, smile politely and tell him what they want and let him take care of it. Do NOT do it yourself. They are his parents and his responsibility. You can offer to help him by taking on more of the childcare while his parents visit, which will enable him to do the elder care. I would encourage you to be fully upfront about this with him. Tell him you can't handle taking care of everyone and that you would be happy to split responsibilities by taking on all the childcare to allow him to take care of his parents when they visit, but that you will not do both. Then enforce it.

The water running... I think that's a sign of old age. Sorry. that just is what it is. Don't cry over spilled water.

As for the comments, my shrink says that 99% of the time when people criticize they are actually projecting what they feel about themselves. So, when she tells you that you are a bad mother, what she really means is that she thinks she is a bad mother. The way I handle it with my mother is to change the subject by complimenting her. It works like a charm. Literally act like she has said nothing horrible at all and then ask her for her wonderful chicken recipe or whatever. She'll be flattered and the subject will change and she will start to think you are great because who doesn't love people who compliment them?

That's so interesting what your shrinks says. What about the 1% of the time when critical people react furiously to compliments? When I was little, I said nice things about my mother to an elderly neighbor, who repeated what I'd said to my mother, thinking she'd be pleased. You'd think she would have been, but when my mother told me what the neighbor had said, she was furious. She was so angry about the fact that I said nice things about her that she was almost spitting with fury during her rant. I sat numbly and silently through it, and still don't understand what happened. Obviously, I've figured out since then that my mother wasn't a good mother, but I was trying to convince myself that she was when I was little. As concerned as my mother is with image, you'd think she'd be happy with what I said to the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Has no one mentioned that adage: Kill them with kindness? Try it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has no one mentioned that adage: Kill them with kindness? Try it!

no thanks to passive aggressive adages.

[Anonymous]

Whoopie Cushion? (sp?)