The Kool-Ade is Getting Sour

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because my kids are older or maybe because I don't give a damn about a lot of stuff, but you should keep you eye on the ball: are your kids happy and learning? If that's the case, the other stuff is just noise. At my kids' school, there are some nice parents and quite a few rich country club types stuck in the 1950's. It really doesn't affect me much, because I don't look to the school for my friends. There are also some rather antiquated traditions and mores that I just roll my eyes about. The most important thing is that my kids are learning, that they have small classes with teachers who really care about their development, and they're happy. That's why we stay. If you start private school later, I think you're not as fazed by this other stuff.

This PP puts it nicely, I think. I totally get where OP is coming from and I imagine s/he is just venting a bit here and doesn't need to yank her kids out and take them off to public school. The bottom line is that we can each choose to involve ourselves to the extent that we wish and the school will likely be satisfied with whatever that is. My observation is that most of the rah rah pressure and competition is from other parents (many of them insecure and/or with too much time on their hands) ... not from the school. Anyway, I appreciate hearing from a like-minded soul here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Actually, my insults weren't thinly veiled at all.


NP here. All you seem to have done is insult someone for being positive about being integrally involved in their kids' school community. That others in the community don't respond well to your ideas does not mean that there is "group think." Perhaps you are off-putting (you sure are in your post) and people simply don't want to be involved or associated with you. That you have moved "beyond" the concept of forming communities with people who you perceive as unlike you, or that you are unable to find or create a comfortable place in your kid's school community (or to be comfortable with your limited involvement), says a lot more about you than any school.

Actually, I am quite involved in my children's school, well-respected and publicly go with the flow, because I know to do otherwise is to be labeled a pita and my children will bear the brunt of my actions. That doesn't mean that privately I don't find the whole mentality cultish and immature.

[Anonymous]

With my first kid, I went all out, was involved in lots of school and after school activities. Lots of it was pretty thankless work when I could have been spending time with my family after work. I always wondered about those moms that refused to help with volunteer work. Then after a while, I started to see a certain type of mom who kept control of the volunteer work, would never listen to different ideas or suggestions for new fundraisers, etc. I did get annoying and old after a while. And, I continued to think of those non-volunteering moms whose kids were reaping the benefits of all the collective volunteering.

Now, with the second kid, I'm less inclined to jump in. Not sure what the right balance is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Actually, my insults weren't thinly veiled at all.


NP here. All you seem to have done is insult someone for being positive about being integrally involved in their kids' school community. That others in the community don't respond well to your ideas does not mean that there is "group think." Perhaps you are off-putting (you sure are in your post) and people simply don't want to be involved or associated with you. That you have moved "beyond" the concept of forming communities with people who you perceive as unlike you, or that you are unable to find or create a comfortable place in your kid's school community (or to be comfortable with your limited involvement), says a lot more about you than any school.

Actually, I am quite involved in my children's school, well-respected and publicly go with the flow, because I know to do otherwise is to be labeled a pita and my children will bear the brunt of my actions. That doesn't mean that privately I don't find the whole mentality cultish and immature.

Well that is a lovely attitude. I'm sure your school community already thinks you are a pain, and would be just as happy to not have you participate at all. I'm quite sure your attitude comes through loud and clear, and that no one appreciates it. Leave the community building and volunteering to those who are willing to do it with a decent attitude. BTW, if your children were in public, you would still be asked to volunteer and donate money. They depend on parent participation even more. And believe it or not, most kids really appreciate and enjoy it when their parents help out with the school. It makes them feel connected and supported.

[Anonymous]

Sorry 16:34 but you couldn't be more wrong. I am past president of the parent association, have served on the association for many years, room parent every year, library volunteer, frequent chaperone, and I am always active in the auction and annual giving fundraisers. I highly doubt that the community wants me to go away and assure you that no one knows my "dirty little secret." In case you missed the memo, this is an anonymous board and I can openly express my opinions on the absurdity of the private school mantra.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I think other parents in 1721's school probably appreciate her attitude -- she's probably somewhat detached, so she does not have a lot of ego invested. She can go with the flow, pitch in where needed, and focus on getting the job done. Sounds wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I think other parents in 1721's school probably appreciate her attitude -- she's probably somewhat detached, so she does not have a lot of ego invested. She can go with the flow, pitch in where needed, and focus on getting the job done. Sounds wonderful.

I thought this too. She won't go overboard, nor will she overreact to tiny setbacks. Nor will she think some position or role is all about her.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I think other parents in 1721's school probably appreciate her attitude -- she's probably somewhat detached, so she does not have a lot of ego invested. She can go with the flow, pitch in where needed, and focus on getting the job done. Sounds wonderful.

I thought this too. She won't go overboard, nor will she overreact to tiny setbacks. Nor will she think some position or role is all about her.

Exactly. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you all are right, that parents appreciate her detached, dispassionate manner of leadership and involvement. I bet though, that if you are sneering about the work that you are doing and the people you are doing it with, that comes through. Maybe he/she is just burnt out? I've seen that happen. Volunteers that asked to do too many things too many times (mostly because others won't step up). I would feel resentful and angry too if I was called on too many times, and I didn't like the people I was volunteering with, or believed in what I was doing.(drinking the kool aid as OP puts it) Except I would recuse myself from further volunteering, because I wouldn't be able to hide my churlish attitude as well as PP apparently can.

[Anonymous]

sorry for the typos.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you all are right, that parents appreciate her detached, dispassionate manner of leadership and involvement. I bet though, that if you are sneering about the work that you are doing and the people you are doing it with, that comes through. Maybe he/she is just burnt out? I've seen that happen. Volunteers that asked to do too many things too many times (mostly because others won't step up). I would feel resentful and angry too if I was called on too many times, and I didn't like the people I was volunteering with, or believed in what I was doing.(drinking the kool aid as OP puts it) Except I would recuse myself from further volunteering, because I wouldn't be able to hide my churlish attitude as well as PP apparently can.

I think you are projecting. Did you even read 16:34? It sounds to me like she does what is needed, when needed and keeps her opinions to herself. Not everyone buys into the over-the-top rhetoric, but that doesn't mean that they aren't a valuable and respected part of the "community."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Independent schools function more than just a place where you drop your kid off in the am and pick them up in the pm. There is an expectation that when you enroll your child, you are joining a community, and that you, as a parent, participate in that community. If all you are looking for is a school, then by all means, leave and head to your local public. Privates rely on parent participation and volunteerism to raise funds (yes - a big part of the reality of private school life - and much of that goes towards FA btw), build a cohesive community with school spirit and school loyalty, and help provide a venue for parents to get to know other parents, teachers and administrators.

I think that's why parents need to think carefully when looking at schools and seriously consider if the school is a good fit for the whole family. Because it is much more than just writing the tuition check and dropping off your child.

Personally, I love it. We have three at three different schools, which presents its own challenges, but we are active in all three schools as much as we can be. We can't give much financially, but we give our time, enthusiasm, and positive attitude. (and tuition of course) What we receive in return is a great relationship with our children's teachers, their friend's parents, and access to three fun, supportive, social communities. We know what's happening with our kids, how they are doing, and if we need to recalibrate study habits, extra curriculars, etc. It's definitely not for everyone, and I can understand why you would feel like it's a burden on your personal time and space, but it works for us. We've been in independent schools for 10 years, and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Just another point of view.

19:42 is the exact kind of independent school parent that both unnerves me and turns me off from participating more at our DC's school. I went to public schools k-12 and experienced an incredibly strong sense of community, albeit it was a community of individuals. The parents that immediately drink the Kool-Aid at our DC's independent school worry me because they reek of desperation to be accepted and lacking critical thinking skills.

We have been supportive parents at the school, though always with a skeptical eye. Why? Because we strongly believe that trust and respect are earned, and unfortunately, the school has given us reason to doubt their judgement a few times. Our DC is still at the school because the benefits currently outweigh the negatives. We also PAY this school to ensure that our child is well educated, cared after, etc. When I pay someone for something, I have a difficult time drinking the Kool-Aid because I expect a professional relationship -- certainly not one based on blind trust and a blank check.

One more thought that has been nagging at me of late is the blurring of the lines between the country club set, the country club wannabes, and the school itself. There is a strong country club culture at our school, and I believe that the school perpetuates the club climate because they have grown so accustomed to these families, their values, and their preferences for how socialization is done on the campus. I had a brief and benign conversation earlier this week with one of the school administrators and I made a comment about how the different cliques were starting to form at the school, and the administrator said she had no never noticed. WTF? That is the kind of attitude that concerns me most is when the school itself is in some denial.

[Anonymous]

Anyone willing to name some schools with the Country Club scene going on? We're applying now for fall (K) and would like to know more about the communities we may be joining.

[Anonymous]

19:42 is the exact kind of independent school parent that both unnerves me and turns me off from participating more at our DC's school...........The parents that immediately drink the Kool-Aid at our DC's independent school worry me because they reek of desperation to be accepted and lacking critical thinking skills.

+1

[Anonymous]

The cathedral schools have some country club cliques