The Private School Club

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoping that sending one's child to an elite school is going to open doors to the club -- for friendships, business contacts, etc. -- is probably what the social climbers do. Every elite school has its share of the social climbers who are thinking that they will scale the mountain to the top of the social heap. This hope engenders a lot of ridiculous behavior.

Do tell. What are some of the ridiculous behaviors you've observed?

Fellow chaperone on a school trip whom I had just met made sure to tell me, within the first ten sentences out of his mouth, of his vacation house in Aspen that they hardly ever go to because he sooooo busy with his booming business. Very tacky.

Try to see the good in people. Maybe he was trying to offer it up to your family to use.

[Anonymous]

The school should be about the kid + not the parents. Make your own friends elsewhere. If you try too hard, everyone will know.

Try volunteering, going to sports stuff, musicals, whatever, and you'll meet people...good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we are at one of the most selective schools. big three, if you will, even though typing those words makes me mouth vomit. Any way, we don't fit in. Never will. been at the school a long time. But it has been great for kids, they love going to school every day. they have nice friends. the parents are nice. We don't go to the auctions, we don't socialize with other parents from the school. When my kids finally make their way through the school, we will probably never see the other parents again. That's totally fine. My kids go to the school, not me.

You are not alone, my attitude also.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the boards can be tough to break into, and some schools prefer to have well-connected folks and/or big fundraisers on the board. Not for every board slot, but still.

It's also tough to even get in on the ground volunteering when both parents work to pay for the private school, as somebody else mentioned. Even if the school administration tries to set meetings at times when most families can make it, you may find that parent-run groups like the auction committee set their meetings at 10am at the school, which is 45 minutes away from your workplace in downtown DC. I know moms who make this work using annual leave, but it isn't an option for everybody.

Lots of working families end up volunteering like crazy. But after hours, when it's impossible to socialize with parent leaders and/or the school head. Baking those cookies at night and sending them in with DC the next morning, for example.

Some day when I have tons of free time (ha, ha), the researcher in me wants to do a study on how volunteering at your kids school does, or does not, lead to a boost, in terms of good recommendations/extra push from the school administration, for college admissions or other outcomes. And whether families with two working parents are penalized, or not. (Obviously, controlling for other factors like SATs, grades, athletics, etc.) I'm half-serious about this, but in reality I'll never get around to it.

[Anonymous]

A look at the other side of the coin re those parents who are active social climbers and pester the more affluent families in order to get invited to their vacation homes and parties. And really obvious and pushy about it.

There are a good number of them at our school. A couple in particular who have yet to pay for vacation housing in over 6 years and they only interact with families who are in the position to give them something for free. I can't tell you how many parents have asked me for use of our house and country club (and pretty direct about it, too) and asked for introductions to people I know. Some have even asked me to make personal phone calls on their behalf for jobs.

I am happy to offer things to people I like and know but there are just too many people who only show up when they want something and make the situation very uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

PP You might want to learn to use the word no. I have no sympathy for people who complain about this and yet they invite the people back. If you don't like it don't do it.

[Anonymous]

16:42 here. I do say "no". Learned early on that a family in particular was adept at using other families. They simply avoid me now but there are the other families who are afraid to seem impolite and still give them what they want.

I just wanted to highlight that poor behavior may be found on both sides. It's just not the rich who are boorish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:42 here. I do say "no". Learned early on that a family in particular was adept at using other families. They simply avoid me now but there are the other families who are afraid to seem impolite and still give them what they want.

I just wanted to highlight that poor behavior may be found on both sides. It's just not the rich who are boorish.

You call yourself, "the rich?" Oy.

[Anonymous]

16:52 here. No, pp, I never indicated that I refer to myself as rich. The other posters are talking about them. My purpose was to point out that people of all financial means can show poor behavior. Please read posts carefully before making accusations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:52 here. No, pp, I never indicated that I refer to myself as rich. The other posters are talking about them. My purpose was to point out that people of all financial means can show poor behavior. Please read posts carefully before making accusations.

PP, please don't feel bad. There are some people on DCUm who are eager to read the worst into a post. A resonable person would not interpret your post that way at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we are at one of the most selective schools. big three, if you will, even though typing those words makes me mouth vomit. Any way, we don't fit in. Never will. been at the school a long time. But it has been great for kids, they love going to school every day. they have nice friends. the parents are nice. We don't go to the auctions, we don't socialize with other parents from the school. When my kids finally make their way through the school, we will probably never see the other parents again. That's totally fine. My kids go to the school, not me.

You sound like a grown-up and a mensch.

[Anonymous]

I love the auctions. After chairing one for a preschool, I buy all my discretionary purchases from charity auctions. What better than to buy the perfect gift for someone from a charity auction that is perfect for them (or yourself)? One example: A sea glass necklace made by a Maine jewelry artist for an upstate NY environmental charity auction. A good friend who loves sea glass had an important birthday celebration ... she is a professor at a top school in NY committed to the upstate NY environment .. and she has a home in Maine. I got a gorgeous necklace for about 50% of value ... and everyone was happy with a VERY SPECIAL gift -- hand made to my specifications by the artist, attention I never would have gotten but for the auction. Don't pooh pooh the auctions as a fraternization that is too "uncool" for the mensches.

[Anonymous]

You don't even know what a mesche is lady. But you note is pretty funny.

[Anonymous]

And you can't spell pp

[Anonymous]

The story about the rabbi and the prospective members really resonated with me (though I'm an Episcopalian) -- whether you're talking about a new faith community, neighborhood, or school, some folks walk in, smile, introduce themselves and offer to pitch in with whatever interests them. Others stand around waiting for the perceived "cool people" to approach them and ask them to join the club. Our kids have been in public school for elementary and private for middle and high school, and I've seen both types of people at both types of schools.

As for the suggestion that SAHMs have some special access to power via their volunteering, as a former SAHM and now part-time WAHM, I can tell you that in my experience that's just nonsense. If you want to volunteer to meet other parents and help your kids' school, there are plenty or opportunities, regardless of your work schedule. It doesn't have to be the auction (personally, I'm not a big fan of those and would rather write a check), but if you like books, sign up to help with the library or book sale; if theatre's your thing, paint sets or do makeup; or if you love sports, organize a snack rotation (even high school kids appreciate this) and cheer from the sidelines.

Finally, for those PPs who say they have enough friends and don't need to make anymore at their kids' school, that's fine, and my dance card's pretty full too, but you're missing an important opportunity to learn more about the place where your kids spend most of their waking hours. In particular, it's helpful to get to know parents whose kids are a year or two older than yours. Those are the folks who can give you the scoop on everything from signing up for peewee soccer to applying for college. And, as a bonus, you might like them too, even if they're not in the club.