What does “get your finances in order” mean?

[Anonymous]

Mid-Life Crises (MLC): many of us on this thread with spouses ages 40-55 are dealing with it.

This MLC version (no cheating, not gay, nothing happened) is the thing. Aguy who already was put first by his fam needs to put his "happiness," "path" "self" first. These are low sex-drive, balding men with guts who want to feel "young" again.

My experience:

1. You can do something different than 50/50. If you are not at risk for government assistance and it is reasonable, you can waive child/spousal support.

2. MLC men do not want 50/50 child custody. They miss their visitation as it interferes with his ability to "pursue" his own path/happiness/adventure. While he was not a bad guy, he is NOT that same guy. MLC dads suddenly decide that they did enough/"too much" already and cut off the kids, too.

3. MLC men do not want to give/take child support. He may owe you money because he won't be taking custody, but he won't pay it. They become that selfish.

4. MLC men do not want YOUR retirement or YOUR inheritance or ANY "grown-up" heavy responsibilities. They want "freedom" and a "clean path". You are giving him a GIFT by offering to keep the house and the mortgage, all the investments and figuring out those decisions, and all the savings. He gets to start anew and relive his youth.

5. MLC men do NOT get better unless THEY (not you or the kids) get sick, hurt, or have a major IRL crisis (e.g., get a girl pregnant, screw up somehow). Get you and your kid in therapy and journal. Do not date or "escape." "Pursue my own path" dad is going to put your kid #0 and that kid deserves to be #1 so that is on you. Be there for the kid, even if they don't appreciate it or understand it. You can sleep at night and hopefully will end up with kids who are in healthy relationships and have good grandkids -- stop the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid-Life Crises (MLC): many of us on this thread with spouses ages 40-55 are dealing with it.

This MLC version (no cheating, not gay, nothing happened) is the thing. Aguy who already was put first by his fam needs to put his "happiness," "path" "self" first. These are low sex-drive, balding men with guts who want to feel "young" again.

My experience:

1. You can do something different than 50/50. If you are not at risk for government assistance and it is reasonable, you can waive child/spousal support.

2. MLC men do not want 50/50 child custody. They miss their visitation as it interferes with his ability to "pursue" his own path/happiness/adventure. While he was not a bad guy, he is NOT that same guy. MLC dads suddenly decide that they did enough/"too much" already and cut off the kids, too.

3. MLC men do not want to give/take child support. He may owe you money because he won't be taking custody, but he won't pay it. They become that selfish.

4. MLC men do not want YOUR retirement or YOUR inheritance or ANY "grown-up" heavy responsibilities. They want "freedom" and a "clean path". You are giving him a GIFT by offering to keep the house and the mortgage, all the investments and figuring out those decisions, and all the savings. He gets to start anew and relive his youth.

5. MLC men do NOT get better unless THEY (not you or the kids) get sick, hurt, or have a major IRL crisis (e.g., get a girl pregnant, screw up somehow). Get you and your kid in therapy and journal. Do not date or "escape." "Pursue my own path" dad is going to put your kid #0 and that kid deserves to be #1 so that is on you. Be there for the kid, even if they don't appreciate it or understand it. You can sleep at night and hopefully will end up with kids who are in healthy relationships and have good grandkids -- stop the cycle.

Deranged PP enters the chat..

[Anonymous]

It means get a good lawyer to represent your interests. Your long term goals. What he likely meant could be many things from amicable to hmmm…

Everything is negotiable. Get your finances in order, all written agreements and contracts and get a lawyer.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It also means make a different will so that if you die, he doesn't get your assets.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be smarter than you are being right now - you can be more strategic and active and work to gain the outcome you want. YOU ARE QUITE THERE.

Talk to a lawyer. Understand your rights. But, when it comes down to it, really try hard to avoid this becoming a legal situation. Try to keep it amicable and agree to split things yourselves. try to avoid spending money you don't need to spend (but spend some money in advance so you go in smart and know how this all goes).

Take the inheritance out of any discussions immediately. Never ever mention it to your soon to be x.

If he's approached things as fair - your money vs his money - try to keep his phrasing, use his words, to get the outcome you want (walking away without having to give up your savings or any of your future earnings).

Try and wrap this up quickly. Often the spouse who is leaving will want things to wrap up quickly and may be more agreeable (he may also feel a little guilty) - use that to your advantage.

Getting your affairs in order means knowing all your accounts, all your alances, what each of you brought into the marriage, and your policies, all the joint info - logins, passwords, etc. Start tracking money carefully and make sure nothing is disappearing from joint accounts.

OP, there are so many good nuggets in here.