Who is the main problem solver in your relationship?
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Anonymous
| What you may not want to do is emphasize to your partner how you come to a decision. Don't spell out the steps. If you're generally trusted, just act. For some people, their partners upon hearing the process, they debate the process itself. Or they sense boasting and they want to play devil's advocate. |
Anonymous
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1 problem creator, or double downer
1 problem fixer Cant say it’s sustainable. Maybe once the kids are gone it will be manageable, but the same dynamic. |
Anonymous
Agree, or many are too selfish and lazy to notice something broken or messy, much less proactively do something about it. |
Anonymous
| Needs fixing, or needs cleaning, or needs replacing is most often subjective. Lots of people's standards don't align and that doesn't mean one person is right and another person is wrong. But the person who wants action, of course, will portray the person who's ok living with less action, as lazy, uninvolved, unmotivated. The person comfortable with less action views the other as bossy, as spending too much money, nags too much, sucks the fun out of day to day life. |
Anonymous
There’s still a baseline of acceptable. Of mess, of manners, of healthy food, of care to be expected. For example, when we bought a big house from a couple in their 50s we were able to know $400k of our initial bid after the 5 hour home inspection. They had so much deferred maintenance they never cared to do! 1 of 2 water heaters no longer worked, pool pump didn’t work, 8 out of 11 doors couldn’t lock- they just kept rotating to another, leaky gutters & wood damage, AC was super old & illegal Freon, garage door tracking was cracked & dented, etc. I don’t know wtf their problem was whilst living there for 12 years, but our realtor got everything replaced before we moved in for $50k. |
Anonymous
No. Not really. Sorry Pp. Plus if your life partner cares about the mold in the fridge, so should you. I find it esp pathetic when a stranger points it out and then gets action, but not a spouse in need. It’s willful ignorance + weaponized incompetence + misogyny. People like that shouldn’t even have roommates. |
Anonymous
So lucky no such people can hack it in my industry and I can avoid them. |
Anonymous
Maybe think about discussing things in person rather than via email or text? |
Anonymous
Understandable. I'm sorry. You deserve more support than that. |
Anonymous
If there is mold in the fridge, both partners have ignored the fridge for a while. You don't get to "care about the mold in the fridge" and then get mad that the other partner didn't clean it. This "spouse in need" stuff sounds like playing the victim. Just clean the damn refrigerator or plan to clean it together and then do so. |
Anonymous
For example: He doesn’t read his mother’s emails about holiday plans. He doesn’t read the coach’s emails about practice or game time changes He doesn’t read doctor or health emails. Or test results. Or school weeklies. Or action items anything So has no base level understanding of what’s going on, what needs to be talked about, nor what to think about what needs to be talked about. No amount of Molly coddling helps. He just tosses out nonsense or walks off. Or plays CEO/Secretary game and again tosses out irrelevant nonsense. |
Anonymous
Love those lazy people games of chicken: who can leave out more dirty dishes, who can ignore the broken toilet seat the longest, who can avoid taking the car in for an oil change, who can neglect the fact that the adhd kid needs therapy. |
Anonymous
The question was “who” in the context of a relationship. Not defining what is a good problem solving framework ( which pp provided) Tell us “who” in pps response fulfilled the question posed by OP? Who specifically in ops response ? |
Anonymous
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Me DH. Because I cause all of the problems and the ones I don’t cause are my fault.
Someone didn’t show for a meeting, my fault. Boss is a moron, my fault. She forgot to put something in the fridge before she left for work, my fault. Flight delayed, my fault. Fire alarm goes off in our building, my fault. |
Anonymous
Ideally both are mature, productive adults who actually care about conflict resolution or problem solving. Often one is too immature and or dysfunctional to have the desire to problem solve or the competency. They ultimately destroy trust and the relationship. |