At what point do you stop pushing activities?

[Anonymous]

I stopped forcing activities around 2nd grade, but that was partly because my kid had decided on a couple activities she liked so I was comfortable just letting her do those and not making her do activities that didn't interest her.

I continued to suggest things as opportunities came up, but if I got a hard "no", I never pushed. Sometimes I could tell she was interested but worried it wouldn't go well, in which case I might encourage trying it once just to see.

But mostly I've let her choose her own activities and not tried to push anything. She's done school clubs based entirely on her own interest, she tells me which camps are good and which she hates and doesn't want to return to, etc. As long as there are things she's saying "yes" to, I don't worry much about the stuff she rejects. Everyone has preferences.

[Anonymous]

If she’s complaining in the backseat on the way to class, what’s she saying on the way home. For example, my kid who’s not great with transitions doesn’t like to stop playing and go to a specific activity, but is generally positive about it on the way home.

I’d also probe the word boring. Is something repetitive? Is there a lot of waiting for a turn? Is a specific part of class boring? Is she putting down a great book to go to class?

I generally suggest my kids have an active activity, at least in the winter, and one other of their choice. One of my kids prefers fewer activities and that’s ok with me.

[Anonymous]

My kid doesn't have a strong work ethic in sports, but she's super social, so what's worked well for me is coordinating with other kids on activities. If she has a friend, she's all in. The hard part has been teaching her that she can't socialize during the sport. I kind of solved this by setting up playdates for after the sport, where possible, by offering rides. She knows if she engages during practice, she gets to play after. It's a lot, but I want her to be fit and active now and throughout her life.

[Anonymous]

The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

My DD will try something new if it’s something where everyone or most everyone else is new, but not something where she’s the only new kid. So in middle school, she would be open to something like Model UN, but not soccer. A lot but obviously not all kids are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 10yo complains about pretty much every sport or activity I try to sign her up for. She’s tried several things and was actually enjoying a ninja class for a few weeks, but now suddenly that is “boring” too.

At this point I am tired of fighting, tired of wasting money, and tired of dragging her to one weekly class while she complains in the back seat. I’m very tempted to just stop. No more trying to sell her on things. If she asks to do something, fine. Otherwise I’m done.

Is that terrible? Is 10 too young to just back off and stop trying for a while? And no, she does not have unlimited screen time or her own tablet.

Would love to hear from anyone who has been through this.

- Exhausted mom

OP, my kid was like yours, complaining about every activity, for years…. DD would want to quit, or not even start an activity, through some combination of 1) it stopped being fun because she had to work at it, 2) she was a little embarrassed at being an older beginner, and/or 3) she didn’t have friends in the class with her. She also has anxiety about trying new activities and going to new places.

One time, i told her in a really firm voice “no matter how much you complain, you have to do X activity. You know how school is mandatory, and no matter what, you have to go? Well that’s how I feel about [X]. Until you start high school, [X] is non-negotiable, period.” I think subconsciously, she must’ve thought that if she wore me down enough, I’d let her quit, but I must’ve finally convinced her that this was not the case, and she stopped complaining.

In addition, I think it helped a lot that I did let her drop some things and she felt “heard.” For instance, she wanted to quit both gymnastics and piano, and I told her that I’d let her quit gymnastics, but only if she continued piano, without complaint, and did some minimal practice like 3x a week for 45 minutes. She was so happy to quit gymnastics and has actually kept her side of the bargain for the last six months, which if you knew my DD, is practically a miracle.

Anyway, this is my long way of saying I wouldn’t just let her quit altogether. If I were you, I’d negotiate a compromise with her that works for both of you. Something that involves her continuing say one activity -without complaint- but gives her something she wants in turn. The carrot you give her has to be something she finds compelling enough though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

My DD will try something new if it’s something where everyone or most everyone else is new, but not something where she’s the only new kid. So in middle school, she would be open to something like Model UN, but not soccer. A lot but obviously not all kids are like this.

My kid has always been this way. She doesn't want to go join an activity where everyone else has been doing it for years. Which I get. So when it's a new-to-her activity, I always try to find a true beginner class with same age peers, or with mixed ages where they aren't obviously the oldest. Sometimes you have to look around a bit, but you'd be surprised. And don't hesitate to contact an organization and ask -- sometimes they can help you figure it out even if it's not obvious. Coaches and teachers are well aware of this issue for kids new to an activity, and often motivated to create environments where they can learn the sport/activity in a low pressure way with other beginners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

I don’t know what to tell you - my kids (2 out of my three) are in middle school and won’t try new things easily.

And when we tried less formal things like “bike around the neighborhood” it got pushed for weather or other stuff so it rarely happened.

I hardly think once a week rec soccer is “optimizing” - it won’t help with college admissions or anything. But it’s teaching how to live a full life, which is the actual goal.

[Anonymous]

Do you think she is actually bored? Or does she lose interest when she's not thinking of herself as the best or top in the activity?