Is it really so bad to move when the kids are in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our financial situation has improved dramatically since we bought our current home. It’s a perfectly fine home and we’d like our kids (9th and 12th grade) to finish high school where they are. There aren’t really any homes we are interested in the HS district so we are strongly considering moving once the youngest leaves for college. The new home would still be in northern VA where the current home is so they could still see friends when they come home, and the new home would be nicer, they could restricted their bedrooms, etc. and I would still want it to feel like home to them.

But I worry that they would never really feel at home somewhere they didn’t grow up. DH thinks I’m absurd.

Has anyone done this and it went ok? Both kids are girls if it matters.

You have to do what you want, after spending 18+ years focused on on the kids! If you are within 30-45 mins of where they grew up, you didn't "move away". They will adjust.
BUt heck, they will adjust if you want to move cross country as well. You don't need to spend your life catering to your kids when they don't live at home anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downsize to a smaller but mire up budgeted home once kids finish colleges and get jobs and apartments. No point in buying a big house once kids are gone to colleges.

This
What we did.

+1

Because ultimately it will just be the two of you, with kids visiting. And you can rent places for when they all come home at same time (or pay for hotels nearby if needed). It's so freeing to have a 2 bed/2bath place and not have to worry about th big house anymore. We rent a place at xmas and other times when all kids are home (or use hotels which we pay for)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Your kids will adapt, if they need to adapt at all.

+1 There are plenty of reasons you may not want to move, but worrying about the trauma to college aged kids is not one of them. They will have their own homes soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our financial situation has improved dramatically since we bought our current home. It’s a perfectly fine home and we’d like our kids (9th and 12th grade) to finish high school where they are. There aren’t really any homes we are interested in the HS district so we are strongly considering moving once the youngest leaves for college. The new home would still be in northern VA where the current home is so they could still see friends when they come home, and the new home would be nicer, they could restricted their bedrooms, etc. and I would still want it to feel like home to them.

But I worry that they would never really feel at home somewhere they didn’t grow up. DH thinks I’m absurd.

Has anyone done this and it went ok? Both kids are girls if it matters.

You have to do what you want, after spending 18+ years focused on on the kids! If you are within 30-45 mins of where they grew up, you didn't "move away". They will adjust.
BUt heck, they will adjust if you want to move cross country as well. You don't need to spend your life catering to your kids when they don't live at home anymore

This. There are people claiming they can’t divorce because of their kids in their 20s and 30s, which sounds so crazy to me. At some point, you and your kids should be more focused on yourselves and your own priorities and goals. Not moving so college students, who may or may not return for more than vacations, can easily see their childhood friends is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our financial situation has improved dramatically since we bought our current home. It’s a perfectly fine home and we’d like our kids (9th and 12th grade) to finish high school where they are. There aren’t really any homes we are interested in the HS district so we are strongly considering moving once the youngest leaves for college. The new home would still be in northern VA where the current home is so they could still see friends when they come home, and the new home would be nicer, they could restricted their bedrooms, etc. and I would still want it to feel like home to them.

But I worry that they would never really feel at home somewhere they didn’t grow up. DH thinks I’m absurd.

Has anyone done this and it went ok? Both kids are girls if it matters.

You have to do what you want, after spending 18+ years focused on on the kids! If you are within 30-45 mins of where they grew up, you didn't "move away". They will adjust.
BUt heck, they will adjust if you want to move cross country as well. You don't need to spend your life catering to your kids when they don't live at home anymore

Living far from family is a pretty huge deal if you have limited time or resources. My parents are overseas (I am the one who moved) and I have spent probably 100k over the years visiting them alone, with the kids...so you have to be mindful and realize you might have to go visit/not expect them to visit all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our financial situation has improved dramatically since we bought our current home. It’s a perfectly fine home and we’d like our kids (9th and 12th grade) to finish high school where they are. There aren’t really any homes we are interested in the HS district so we are strongly considering moving once the youngest leaves for college. The new home would still be in northern VA where the current home is so they could still see friends when they come home, and the new home would be nicer, they could restricted their bedrooms, etc. and I would still want it to feel like home to them.

But I worry that they would never really feel at home somewhere they didn’t grow up. DH thinks I’m absurd.

Has anyone done this and it went ok? Both kids are girls if it matters.

You have to do what you want, after spending 18+ years focused on on the kids! If you are within 30-45 mins of where they grew up, you didn't "move away". They will adjust.
BUt heck, they will adjust if you want to move cross country as well. You don't need to spend your life catering to your kids when they don't live at home anymore

The people who are seriously factoring in moving after their kids have left for college are probably going to spend the rest of their lives catering to their kids and grandkids. This is just who they are and how they want to live. If they have a great marriage and love spending time together as a family, why not? Those of us who feel like we've compromised our own happiness for our kids too much over the years may do things differently. I'm in that camp. I'm going to downsize, divorce, and travel when my kids launch. I've been delaying my own happiness for years to give my kids a stable, happy childhood and put them through college debt-free. I'll certainly maintain our relationship in the future, but first I'm going to do me for a while.

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our financial situation has improved dramatically since we bought our current home. It’s a perfectly fine home and we’d like our kids (9th and 12th grade) to finish high school where they are. There aren’t really any homes we are interested in the HS district so we are strongly considering moving once the youngest leaves for college. The new home would still be in northern VA where the current home is so they could still see friends when they come home, and the new home would be nicer, they could restricted their bedrooms, etc. and I would still want it to feel like home to them.

But I worry that they would never really feel at home somewhere they didn’t grow up. DH thinks I’m absurd.

Has anyone done this and it went ok? Both kids are girls if it matters.

You have to do what you want, after spending 18+ years focused on on the kids! If you are within 30-45 mins of where they grew up, you didn't "move away". They will adjust.
BUt heck, they will adjust if you want to move cross country as well. You don't need to spend your life catering to your kids when they don't live at home anymore

The people who are seriously factoring in moving after their kids have left for college are probably going to spend the rest of their lives catering to their kids and grandkids. This is just who they are and how they want to live. If they have a great marriage and love spending time together as a family, why not? Those of us who feel like we've compromised our own happiness for our kids too much over the years may do things differently. I'm in that camp. I'm going to downsize, divorce, and travel when my kids launch. I've been delaying my own happiness for years to give my kids a stable, happy childhood and put them through college debt-free. I'll certainly maintain our relationship in the future, but first I'm going to do me for a while.

You sound like me (except for the divorce part - at least for now). My youngest just started college. I am trying to balance all of this. I hate Maryland winters but stayed until they graduated HS. We are now snowbirds with a house in Florida. I will do this for another year or two, and then plan on being in Florida full-time. I want to focus on me, not everyone else in the family. And that is okay. I am important too.

[Anonymous]

I would still want it to feel like home to them

Not necessary. They will get a jump-start on feeling like they are starting their adult life, out of the house. Visiting their parents somewhere else. I talk from the point of view more extreme. I was the youngest and my parents sold and moved to another state as I was graduating from high school. In that instance it -really- helped jump-start me viewing college as the start of my adult life.

[Anonymous]

Live your life. After college, ideally, they’ll make their own homes. Just make sure they have plenty of notice, a place to stay during college breaks, an opportunity to sort their things and keep what’s important to them, as well as the option to claim family items you might be considering disposing of.

[Anonymous]

It's time to start living life for yourselves, not your kids. They're not really in your lives anymore like they were.

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced (had been my whole childhood, basically, 50/50 custody, no drama).

I'm the youngest, and my dad moved the weekend after he dropped me at college, to a place about an hour away. No problem at all. Couple of things made a difference:

1) It felt like a decision I was really involved in - selecting the new house, decorating, etc. It very much felt like "our house" because of that, I think.
2) It was planned for a few years, so no shock. I would make sure they knew this was happening before their senior year of high school even starts. Ideally like now-ish.
3) I had my own room in the new house, that I had decorated. I packed everything up before I left, Dad did a lot of unpacking while I was at school, and when I came home for Christmas I finished unpacking my personal stuff and getting my room set up.

In my case, Mom stayed in our home town (they had lived about a mile apart) so it was easy to see friends when I was staying with her.

I felt very at home there until my dad moved about 4 years ago (I'm in my 40s).

On the flip side, my best friend's parents divorced as soon as she left home and THAT was an unmitigated disaster, that honestly in our 40s I think still impacts her negatively.

[Anonymous]

Both of my College kids hate living "far". They are both very social and complain how boring our city is and how much driving they have to do to places. Normally 20min. but that becomes 40 min. easily to get in and back.

Sure they love the big home but they would trade that for something closer to city life. If we could afford the hassle of selling and moving we would right now but we got college to pay for....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Your kids will adapt, if they need to adapt at all.

We did it. I found it to be freeing for our kids. They thought about what THEIR next step in their journey looked like. They launched. Found jobs that helped pay for their Masters and we are happy living (inFL) at the beach. Home base is now a delightful respite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Your kids will adapt, if they need to adapt at all.

+1 There are plenty of reasons you may not want to move, but worrying about the trauma to college aged kids is not one of them. They will have their own homes soon enough.

+1

However, I highly recommend not announcing the plan to officially sell the family house your kid grew up in right before they went off to college. We did that with our last one, and it probably did not help with the transition to college. They know that by xmas when they came home, their stuff would be in a new, smaller house. But we found the right place and didnt' want to pass on it, so we did it. Hint: the kid is well adjusted and out of college now. They will figure it out