Is FIL still blaming dead MIL?

[Anonymous]

Weird.

My elderly father is sharp as a tack and we lost my mom suddenly 20 years ago. My dad and I sat and both cried this past week about all of the things that might be different if she was still here. We aren’t blaming her for dying. Her death left a huge hole in our family that will never be filled. We will never not be sad about it.

Dementia changes people profoundly. That he was previously not nice to her is likely hard for those around him to reconcile, but in his altered state, it’s pretty much irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you are mean to him when he is alive. Guess you two are a lot alike.

How do you know I was mean to him? I sewed buttons on his shirts and jackets, cleaned the pool most seasons, got on the roof and swept off the leaves, did a massive home improvement project on his property without compensation where I installed everything from sweating plumbing to tiling, etc...
Not the sons but me, the DIL.

By the way, he's still very much alive.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a terrible husband. But as soon as my mom died ten years ago, he suddenly acted like they had the most amazing marriage EVER. He also seems to think his alcoholism only emerged due to grief from her death even though he drove us around drunk when we were kids. He is a jackass. If he gets dementia, he will still be a jackass.

That said, your perspective on this is bizarre. Your MIL made her choices (as did my mom). Your FIL is a sad old man who cannot manage well without his wife. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

Exactly. How is he "blaming her"? he misses her.

[Anonymous]

He has dementia and is old and selfish, of course he is mostly thinking how she would listen to his ramblings and serve on him hand nd foot, of course everything would be different.
The less attention we pay to what such people say, the better. I mean just pretend you are listening but having a meaningful conversation is impossible.
My dad is sad we don’t have meaningful conversations, but I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s impossible. So I pretend I am busy and tired. It’s sad but any attempt at a meaningful convo leads to frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super weird to be judging him and also gleefully reveling in his grief.

Who said I was reveling in his grief? Wow, there are some people here to jump to the worst conclusions.
I grieve my MIL too.

Uhh, who in this thread do you think is most guilty of jumping to the worst conclusions?

And I say that as a someone who hates old people. Somehow you managed to find a way to be worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL passed away over a year ago and FIL has been alone since then.
He has creeping dementia and someone looks after him daily for a portion of the day. Family nearby will take him out to meals on a daily basis.

Recently he was found crying and stated that if MIL was still there "everything would be different".
While it sounds sad, I also interpret it as a continuation of him always putting the responsibility on her. And whoa, was he mean to her when she was alive, snidely putting her down when he could.
Maybe I'm wrong but I find it galling.

Why is your generation still do devoid of any understanding, empathy, love, maturity, or just a little common sense.
What THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU? Do we really need to explain this to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you are mean to him when he is alive. Guess you two are a lot alike.

How do you know I was mean to him? I sewed buttons on his shirts and jackets, cleaned the pool most seasons, got on the roof and swept off the leaves, did a massive home improvement project on his property without compensation where I installed everything from sweating plumbing to tiling, etc...
Not the sons but me, the DIL.

By the way, he's still very much alive.

NP here:

You didn't understand this comment, OP. So, I'm guessing general IQ is the problem here, so it will be hard to counsel you well. Just move on, it's an unfortunate post. After a day it will disappear into back pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

This is a really great post, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL passed away over a year ago and FIL has been alone since then.
He has creeping dementia and someone looks after him daily for a portion of the day. Family nearby will take him out to meals on a daily basis.

Recently he was found crying and stated that if MIL was still there "everything would be different".
While it sounds sad, I also interpret it as a continuation of him always putting the responsibility on her. And whoa, was he mean to her when she was alive, snidely putting her down when he could.
Maybe I'm wrong but I find it galling.

Not sure how much you know about his condition but that meanness is probably part of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL passed away over a year ago and FIL has been alone since then.
He has creeping dementia and someone looks after him daily for a portion of the day. Family nearby will take him out to meals on a daily basis.

Recently he was found crying and stated that if MIL was still there "everything would be different".
While it sounds sad, I also interpret it as a continuation of him always putting the responsibility on her. And whoa, was he mean to her when she was alive, snidely putting her down when he could.
Maybe I'm wrong but I find it galling.

OP. Come back and let us know your thoughts after you bury your spouse.

[Anonymous]

You’re all too hard on OP for recognizing that her FIL was mean to his wife and now claims to miss her. It’s complicated thing to witness. My own dad was very mean to my mom who did all the homemaking and care when she was alive. Emotionally abusive. He doesn’t have dementia now but when he says he misses her I get resentful and think he just misses being waited on. It’s complicated. OP is just pointing out complicated emotions about how people treated one another.