Is FIL still blaming dead MIL?

[Anonymous]

“Maybe I’m wrong.”

Yes, you are.

[Anonymous]

He has dementia and is elderly OP. Of course his life was better when MIL was there.

At least he realizes she is deceased, unlike my dad, who looked for mom most of the day for a couple years before he died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Uh, no one is punishing him for anything. It's just surprising to hear what he said.
He also claims she died at the end of the staircase in their old home.
No, she died in a bedroom just a few feet away from his.
He also talks about how when his father died, he was a young boy.
I had to remind him that he already was married and had two kids who were beyond toddler age when his father died.

Are you OK? You acknowledge that he has dementia. OF COURSE HE IS SAYING THINGS LIKE THIS. He has dementia AND YOU KNOW THAT.

Show some empathy? Or at least learn what it means for someone who has it? Good grief.

I’ll pray that you never know loss (whether a spouse or your own faculties) or, if you do, that you have someone in your corner with more empathy and understanding than you are showing this poor man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

Uh, no one is punishing him for anything. It's just surprising to hear what he said.
He also claims she died at the end of the staircase in their old home.
No, she died in a bedroom just a few feet away from his.
He also talks about how when his father died, he was a young boy.
I had to remind him that he already was married and had two kids who were beyond toddler age when his father died.

Yeah I mean, I would translate those things to:
“I’m afraid of dying and how it’s going to happen” and maybe “I feel like if I was a young boy who had lost his father.”

There’s not really any upside to correcting facts at this point. Well I mean, you can if it makes you feel better. But it’s probably not therapeutic. And therapeutic helps you even if you hate him, if you’re managing his care.

You could respond by redirecting if you don’t want to talk about death. Or you could say “I’m glad we have the stairlift now to help you get up and down safely” or “what did you miss about your dad” or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super weird to be judging him and also gleefully reveling in his grief.

Who said I was reveling in his grief? Wow, there are some people here to jump to the worst conclusions.
I grieve my MIL too.

Whatever did you mean by pointing out how he treated her or saying he blamed her for something? Of course everything would be different if she was alive. This is a statement of fact. Blame for what exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

Uh, no one is punishing him for anything. It's just surprising to hear what he said.
He also claims she died at the end of the staircase in their old home.
No, she died in a bedroom just a few feet away from his.
He also talks about how when his father died, he was a young boy.
I had to remind him that he already was married and had two kids who were beyond toddler age when his father died.

You are incredibly dim with zero life experience.

[Anonymous]

He’s grieving, very old, has dementia, and you expect him to act like a mature adult—to change overnight?

What’s wrong with YOU, OP? Why are you taking him to task when clearly he is never going to get better, and is declining.

What’s wrong with you that you have expectations of maturity and accountability from him?

[Anonymous]

I have to say, even for a white American like OP likely is, this is a creative way to trash you in laws. He has dementia and was crying over his wife.

[Anonymous]

He probably expected he would die first. He probably never expected he would be on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

Uh, no one is punishing him for anything. It's just surprising to hear what he said.
He also claims she died at the end of the staircase in their old home.
No, she died in a bedroom just a few feet away from his.
He also talks about how when his father died, he was a young boy.
I had to remind him that he already was married and had two kids who were beyond toddler age when his father died.

You are incredibly dim with zero life experience.

+1 that reply makes me sorry for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

My oldest BIL, who bore the brunt of my MIL's first experience at parenting (she improved with her subsequent kids) has done a lot of this. My MIL is not in dementia, though, although with Parkinson's she gets very tired and emotional. Honestly, I can see both sides. He doesn't shout or anything, he just points out the traumatic events from his childhood that he still remembers, all these years later. She cannot acknowledge them as being traumatic, even though objectively, they were. I had it out with my mother when I was 30 and she was 60. He carried the trauma much longer, and at some point it had to get out.

There is no statute of limitations to childhood trauma. Parents need to realize that children are not little adults, and cannot process abuse or neglect with the same maturity as adults. If you traumatize them, and they remember you did that, it's fair that at some point you're going to blowback. My oldest BIL is also the one who is most often available to take care of my MIL, drive her to appointments, sit with her. He even bought her a house, because she didn't like her apartment. So it's not like he doesn't love and care for her. They have their own dynamic. We don't interfere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

Uh, no one is punishing him for anything. It's just surprising to hear what he said.
He also claims she died at the end of the staircase in their old home.
No, she died in a bedroom just a few feet away from his.
He also talks about how when his father died, he was a young boy.
I had to remind him that he already was married and had two kids who were beyond toddler age when his father died.

Yeah I mean, I would translate those things to:
“I’m afraid of dying and how it’s going to happen” and maybe “I feel like if I was a young boy who had lost his father.”

There’s not really any upside to correcting facts at this point. Well I mean, you can if it makes you feel better. But it’s probably not therapeutic. And therapeutic helps you even if you hate him, if you’re managing his care.

You could respond by redirecting if you don’t want to talk about death. Or you could say “I’m glad we have the stairlift now to help you get up and down safely” or “what did you miss about your dad” or something like that.

Hm, I don't think he is afraid of dying. He's spoken about it a few times. He has short term memory loss.
It's strange though. I listen to him tell his stories, like I listen to my mother tell her stories. You learn a lot about people if you just let them ramble on. He will go on and on about his youth in detail. But he can't remember what he had for breakfast.
After hearing about his record of his father's several times, I realized, wait, you were actually much older and reminded him of this. He never spoke about it again. I wasn't sure it was a good thing to agree with a factual mis-memory.

His children go through the motions of caring for him. But in a robotic way. They are less inclined to listen to his stories and will sometimes shut him down. I put up with it out of courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

Uh, no one is punishing him for anything. It's just surprising to hear what he said.
He also claims she died at the end of the staircase in their old home.
No, she died in a bedroom just a few feet away from his.
He also talks about how when his father died, he was a young boy.
I had to remind him that he already was married and had two kids who were beyond toddler age when his father died.

Yeah I mean, I would translate those things to:
“I’m afraid of dying and how it’s going to happen” and maybe “I feel like if I was a young boy who had lost his father.”

There’s not really any upside to correcting facts at this point. Well I mean, you can if it makes you feel better. But it’s probably not therapeutic. And therapeutic helps you even if you hate him, if you’re managing his care.

You could respond by redirecting if you don’t want to talk about death. Or you could say “I’m glad we have the stairlift now to help you get up and down safely” or “what did you miss about your dad” or something like that.

Hm, I don't think he is afraid of dying. He's spoken about it a few times. He has short term memory loss.
It's strange though. I listen to him tell his stories, like I listen to my mother tell her stories. You learn a lot about people if you just let them ramble on. He will go on and on about his youth in detail. But he can't remember what he had for breakfast.
After hearing about his record of his father's several times, I realized, wait, you were actually much older and reminded him of this. He never spoke about it again. I wasn't sure it was a good thing to agree with a factual mis-memory.

His children go through the motions of caring for him. But in a robotic way. They are less inclined to listen to his stories and will sometimes shut him down. I put up with it out of courtesy.

I think they have a lot of resentment about their childhood.
Anyways, FIL has always loved talking about himself, not much interest in others.
Years ago, when he was going on and on about his childhood maid, I asked if she had a family. He did not know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he wants his wife. I’m a widow, I get it. Check yourself.

+1. He spent decades with his wife, and now he has dementia and misses her. Sounds pretty normal to me. Weird flex on your part, op.

My FIL with dementia is like this too. He doesn’t remember how horrible he was to her.

They don't realize they were horrible. That's why they don't remember. Also if they realize that they were horrible, it would cause a lot of grief, so their brains sort of protect them from that realization, especially as they get older.

My sister forced my mom to confront some of her awful parenting in her 70s and honestly I wish she hadn't. My mom couldn't handle it and it just made it that much harder. At some point you have to accept a person did what they did and let it go because they are too old to be held accountable. Your FIL cannot make up for the way he treated his wife now. I'm okay with people deciding not to care for elderly people who were abusive to them or their loved ones, but I don't see the point in trying to punish them at this age. Either care for them and let it go, or let someone else care for them and move on with your life. You are not going to extract a satisfying penance from an elderly person with dementia. You just aren't.

My oldest BIL, who bore the brunt of my MIL's first experience at parenting (she improved with her subsequent kids) has done a lot of this. My MIL is not in dementia, though, although with Parkinson's she gets very tired and emotional. Honestly, I can see both sides. He doesn't shout or anything, he just points out the traumatic events from his childhood that he still remembers, all these years later. She cannot acknowledge them as being traumatic, even though objectively, they were. I had it out with my mother when I was 30 and she was 60. He carried the trauma much longer, and at some point it had to get out.

There is no statute of limitations to childhood trauma. Parents need to realize that children are not little adults, and cannot process abuse or neglect with the same maturity as adults. If you traumatize them, and they remember you did that, it's fair that at some point you're going to blowback. My oldest BIL is also the one who is most often available to take care of my MIL, drive her to appointments, sit with her. He even bought her a house, because she didn't like her apartment. So it's not like he doesn't love and care for her. They have their own dynamic. We don't interfere.

And sometimes those same people wax on about what a wonderful mother they had and how they miss her when they die. Ive seen this several times but i would never correct them or remind them about all the bad times they used to complain about. Grief is messy.

[Anonymous]

I mean, you are mean to him when he is alive. Guess you two are a lot alike.