How to deal with sense of self worth post divorce?

[Anonymous]

I never got married, I'm perpetually single, and had a kid at 36. Society doesn't exactly approve of that. But I have worth. I had worth before I was a mom. I'm smart and funny and I have a ton of friends and I'm good at stuff. I have a great life. I'd like to get married but I'm cool if that doesn't happen.

Being "picked" doesnt mean you're valuable, and not being picked doesn't mean you don't have value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

NP and gosh where would we be if men felt any of this? How many men are genuinely good husbands, fathers, brothers, neighbors, friends. In my mind I can think of only a few.

I felt like this. I think I was a good husband most of the time but wife made me feel bad most of the time. Now she's ex wife. I feel better. Maybe she does roo.

Yep -- I finally felt fully "adult" when my life had the enhanced purpose, direction, and structure of being a good husband (or so I thouoght), dad, and provider. Her blowing up our family really threw me for a loop.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m currently separated from my stbxh and I don’t see a reconciliation on the horizon. Among one of the hardest realities here is how my sense of self has changed. If I am not a wife and mother and I do not have a man who actively loves me and commits to me, what am I worth?

We receive so much validation in society as women for having been picked by a man, a high value man. And to be a wife and a mother is seen as the highest achievement. You have a lavish wedding and a baby shower to celebrate this milestone.

But what if you were never able to hit this milestone or it did not work out.

I’m feeling pretty terrible about it. 💔

Yikes. Get yourself into therapy STAT. The fact that you received any validation for having been picked by a high value man is pretty disgusting, honestly. My husband is amazing (tall, rich, funny, smart, handsome, etc.) but not once have I thought that that's a reflection of me. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

NP and gosh where would we be if men felt any of this? How many men are genuinely good husbands, fathers, brothers, neighbors, friends. In my mind I can think of only a few.

I know a lot of these men. But none of their wives think that says anything about them. Those women are good friends, mothers, neighbors, employees, volunteers, etc. Their self worth is not tied up in who they're married to.