Do you hug relatives you dislike to not make waves at family gatherings?

[Anonymous]

My husbands family are cultural huggers. You hug literally everyone in the room, which could be like 50 people. It's gross and I hate it. I recently decided to introduce the "irish goodbye" for a new cultural experience.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I hug the huggers. It takes 2 seconds. But none of them have done anything physically inappropriate - that's a different problem.

[Anonymous]

We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Ew no.

[Anonymous]

You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

Yes it is your problem. Because you can't act normal. You are the oddball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

How is it "weak" to decline to participate in what you just acknowledge is a performative hug? You are calling people weak for refusing to give into a cultural norm that even you think lacks meaning or purpose. That makes no sense.

It takes strength to set a personal boundary with family, especially when you know it might upset them. But guess what, I choose not to hug family members when I don't feel comfortable with it and it's fine. We're still family and there has been no dramatic fallout. Turns out it doesn't matter that much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

Yes it is your problem. Because you can't act normal. You are the oddball.

Why is it so important to you that people who don't want to hug you do so anyway? Why would you want a coerced hug?

This is what I told my parents and ILs when my kids were young and they wanted to force hugs. Why do you want a forced hug? These children are getting to know you and just learning how to navigate the world. Family gatherings can be overwhelming and sometimes they just want to fist bump or wave. Do you want your grandkids to remember grandma smiling and waving goodbye to them after Thanksgiving, or do you want them to remember an uncomfortable hug that a group of adults made them participate in, or grandma frowning and upset when they shied away from a hug? No one wants the latter.

Being able to accept other people's physical boundaries is a sing of maturity and self-possession. It's not odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

How is it "weak" to decline to participate in what you just acknowledge is a performative hug? You are calling people weak for refusing to give into a cultural norm that even you think lacks meaning or purpose. That makes no sense.

It takes strength to set a personal boundary with family, especially when you know it might upset them. But guess what, I choose not to hug family members when I don't feel comfortable with it and it's fine. We're still family and there has been no dramatic fallout. Turns out it doesn't matter that much!

Believe me, they all talk about you once you leave after choosing who to hug and who to ostracize. It is called a "cultural norm" for a reason -- because it's seen as normal. Not participating is not normal. Deciding not to hug particular people at a gathering is really offensive and hurtful and just plain weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

How is it "weak" to decline to participate in what you just acknowledge is a performative hug? You are calling people weak for refusing to give into a cultural norm that even you think lacks meaning or purpose. That makes no sense.

It takes strength to set a personal boundary with family, especially when you know it might upset them. But guess what, I choose not to hug family members when I don't feel comfortable with it and it's fine. We're still family and there has been no dramatic fallout. Turns out it doesn't matter that much!

Believe me, they all talk about you once you leave after choosing who to hug and who to ostracize. It is called a "cultural norm" for a reason -- because it's seen as normal. Not participating is not normal. Deciding not to hug particular people at a gathering is really offensive and hurtful and just plain weird.

If people want to sit around gossiping about who I did and did not hug, thus making it a much bigger deal than it actually is, that is their business. I would never make a big deal about something like this because forcing people to touch me or other people is not important to me. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, they all talk about you once you leave after choosing who to hug and who to ostracize. It is called a "cultural norm" for a reason -- because it's seen as normal. Not participating is not normal. Deciding not to hug particular people at a gathering is really offensive and hurtful and just plain weird.

I guess maybe if they're jerks? Most of my family are huggers, but there are a few people who are not. I don't think it's about liking or not liking anyone, they just prefer a little personal space. I've never heard anyone talk about it behind their backs. People are allowed to be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

Yes it is your problem. Because you can't act normal. You are the oddball.

It's absolutely not my problem because I don't hug people if I don't want to, and I am completely unbothered by other people's feelings about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

Yes it is your problem. Because you can't act normal. You are the oddball.

Why is it so important to you that people who don't want to hug you do so anyway? Why would you want a coerced hug?

This is what I told my parents and ILs when my kids were young and they wanted to force hugs. Why do you want a forced hug? These children are getting to know you and just learning how to navigate the world. Family gatherings can be overwhelming and sometimes they just want to fist bump or wave. Do you want your grandkids to remember grandma smiling and waving goodbye to them after Thanksgiving, or do you want them to remember an uncomfortable hug that a group of adults made them participate in, or grandma frowning and upset when they shied away from a hug? No one wants the latter.

Being able to accept other people's physical boundaries is a sing of maturity and self-possession. It's not odd.

It's the same thing that I wonder about rapists. But some people thrive off of making other people uncomfortable and pushing their boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

How is it "weak" to decline to participate in what you just acknowledge is a performative hug? You are calling people weak for refusing to give into a cultural norm that even you think lacks meaning or purpose. That makes no sense.

It takes strength to set a personal boundary with family, especially when you know it might upset them. But guess what, I choose not to hug family members when I don't feel comfortable with it and it's fine. We're still family and there has been no dramatic fallout. Turns out it doesn't matter that much!

Believe me, they all talk about you once you leave after choosing who to hug and who to ostracize. It is called a "cultural norm" for a reason -- because it's seen as normal. Not participating is not normal. Deciding not to hug particular people at a gathering is really offensive and hurtful and just plain weird.

Ok, so? You call people weak for not caving to unwanted touching, but not about gossiping about family and friends? C'mon, that's a lame double standard. You sound like the child, not the person declining your body touching them.

[Anonymous]

I have a big mouth, so if I have a problem with someone, I just speak up. The whole passive aggressive no hugging thing is bizarre. If I don’t like how you treat your wife, I’m gonna say something to you, probably in front of everybody.