accepting the absentee, workaholic dad - or leaving

[Anonymous]

Oh my...thought I was the only person living this life. My husband is very much like yours. We each had one when we met and we have three kids together ages 5, 2 and 1. He is the epitome of detached. He finds any excuse to get away from the house...working late, hanging out with buddies, helping family members...you name it. The end result is that I'm responsible for doing everything with and for the kids. I tried to talk to him about his behavior several times, but he felt that him paying the brunt of the bills entitled him to do whatever he wanted. His immaturity and inconsiderate behavior finally became too much--I became disgusted whenever he tried to be intimate and rejected him...he moved to our basement and became even more distant..staying out all hours of the night, not speaking to me, etc. I got tired of accepting the behavior of a single guy from my husband. I let him know that his behavior was setting a bad example for our kids and I would not tolerate it anymore. His response was "well, do what you need to do" so I did. I packed up the kids and moved out right after school let out in June. I was afraid of what life would be like, but its actually great with out him! I'm stronger and happier without him and all the associated drama. I wish I would have left long ago for my sake but especially for my kids. It breaks my heart that I allowed them to witness his ignorance and immaturity for so long. I think you should move or ask him to move....maybe some time away from you will make him realize what he has and would he may be missing out on. If not, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

[Anonymous]

"But it is sort of depressing that I have to arrange, encourage, etc. "

Why does this guy get a pass for YEARS? Think of the harm that has happened to the entire family while waiting for this guy to get his act together. What about the EXAMPLE?

[Anonymous]

Why do parents stay with LOSERS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm assuming you don't live in McLean or Bethesda. 'Cause if you do, and you want to stay at home, he's going to be working. Quite a bit. And no, when you get in that world, you don't really get much of a choice.

Now if you live in a older TH in Chantilly ... well, you've got more of a right to insist on more of him, because you compromised on one part. Now he gets to put the BlackBerry away and stop his boys' club outings.

Op here. I don't live in McLean or Bethesda and I don't stay at home. I work and make six figures. He has had ample opportunity to take a lower stess and lower paying job. He will not. He makes more than double what I make. But I have come to the realization that it likely would not matter if he changed jobs. He would work a lot regardless or play more poker or golf.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Fair enough. I did allude to the fact that your DH may be an overgrown frat boy.

[Anonymous]

OP - don't YOU deserve to be happy in a marriage? I think you would be happier divorced. Maybe if he had visitation, it would force him to see his kids and spend time with them every other weekend, who knows? I've heard of some men becoming better fathers b/c they are forced to step up. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though he shouldn't/doesn't deserve to be a father.