accepting the absentee, workaholic dad - or leaving

[Anonymous]

Prepare the children? Not before telling their father! You'd either be asking them to keep a secret or risking their shocking their father with news of an impending separation. Do not make them the messenger. Ever. Their father is not going to vanish, you have got to work with him on this, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I grew up with a dad like this. My mom never left him and he basically ruined her life and our family life. I have virtually no memories of family outings, my mom stopped trying. I only remember one real vacation in which my dad was mean to us the entire time. I wish she would have left because his crappy attitude kept her from doing anything she ever wanted to.

It's better to be alone and live the life you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

If you left, your husband would get visitation. The kids would be with him alone for visitation. If he handles them poorly now, how are you going to feel about them alone with him? How are you going to feel about him dating someone and potentially letting that woman deal with them during his visitation so he doesn't have to.

I would fear this too.

In my case, once we divorced my ex became a much better father. He is better able to handle the kids in short visits.

[Anonymous]

OP, Do you think there is any chance he will interact with the kids better when they are a bit older? My husband hated the early childhood years but is more willing to spend time with our teenagers, particularly when they can do things he enjoys (sports, movies, etc.) with him.

[Anonymous]

14:55 -- OP here -- and we also suffer from that -- him going on day-long excursions on the weekends like golf or sailing or hours of poker at night. It makes it so much worse, because at least when it is work, you can almost convince yourself that he has no choice (even though we all know deep down that it IS a choice, on some level.)
His response when I complain is to say that I should take a weekend day off too.....which means they kids never actually see us together -- it's him on Sunday, me on Saturday. It's like we are divorced already.
Thanks for posting.

14:55 again
I'd love to connect and talk more with someone in the same type of situation. You can email me if you'd like: [e-mail]

[Anonymous]

Have him listen to the song by Harry Chapin, Cats in the Cradle.

[Anonymous]

That is a great song!

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm assuming you don't live in McLean or Bethesda. 'Cause if you do, and you want to stay at home, he's going to be working. Quite a bit. And no, when you get in that world, you don't really get much of a choice.

Now if you live in a older TH in Chantilly ... well, you've got more of a right to insist on more of him, because you compromised on one part. Now he gets to put the BlackBerry away and stop his boys' club outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm assuming you don't live in McLean or Bethesda. 'Cause if you do, and you want to stay at home, he's going to be working. Quite a bit. And no, when you get in that world, you don't really get much of a choice.

Now if you live in a older TH in Chantilly ... well, you've got more of a right to insist on more of him, because you compromised on one part. Now he gets to put the BlackBerry away and stop his boys' club outings.

So you're saying that living in Chantilly is a compromise? Or that living in a TH is a compromise? Both? What if she likes living in Chantilly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I grew up with a dad like this. My mom never left him and he basically ruined her life and our family life. I have virtually no memories of family outings, my mom stopped trying. I only remember one real vacation in which my dad was mean to us the entire time. I wish she would have left because his crappy attitude kept her from doing anything she ever wanted to.

It's better to be alone and live the life you want.

Yup. Stop being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm assuming you don't live in McLean or Bethesda. 'Cause if you do, and you want to stay at home, he's going to be working. Quite a bit. And no, when you get in that world, you don't really get much of a choice.

Now if you live in a older TH in Chantilly ... well, you've got more of a right to insist on more of him, because you compromised on one part. Now he gets to put the BlackBerry away and stop his boys' club outings.

So you're saying that living in Chantilly is a compromise? Or that living in a TH is a compromise? Both? What if she likes living in Chantilly?

Yes, both are compromises.

On the other hand, it's easier to slow-track your career living in a TH in Chantilly as opposed to living in a 4000 square foot custom SFH in McLean, nej?

It may well be OP's hubby is just an overgrown frat boy that wouldn't improve even if they downscaled their lives.

[Anonymous]

I would like to think that there's hope of him becoming a better parent (and spouse). My DH was not a fan of infants and toddlers, but has really blossomed as a parent now that DC is older (started around age 4).

He needs a wake up call on what a jerk he is being to his own children. How that happens depends on his personality.

Things that might help, once he decides he wants to improve:
* hanging out with families with more involved dads
* dad-kid activities that he likes, preferably with other dads
* PEP classes
* find out what one special thing he'd like to do with them at least once a week, even for just 10 minutes, be it reading, golf, making pancakes, pizza night, game night, playing with matchbox cars, building legos, playing guitar for them....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm assuming you don't live in McLean or Bethesda. 'Cause if you do, and you want to stay at home, he's going to be working. Quite a bit. And no, when you get in that world, you don't really get much of a choice.

Now if you live in a older TH in Chantilly ... well, you've got more of a right to insist on more of him, because you compromised on one part. Now he gets to put the BlackBerry away and stop his boys' club outings.

Op here. I don't live in McLean or Bethesda and I don't stay at home. I work and make six figures. He has had ample opportunity to take a lower stess and lower paying job. He will not. He makes more than double what I make. But I have come to the realization that it likely would not matter if he changed jobs. He would work a lot regardless or play more poker or golf.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to think that there's hope of him becoming a better parent (and spouse). My DH was not a fan of infants and toddlers, but has really blossomed as a parent now that DC is older (started around age 4).

He needs a wake up call on what a jerk he is being to his own children. How that happens depends on his personality.

Things that might help, once he decides he wants to improve:
* hanging out with families with more involved dads
* dad-kid activities that he likes, preferably with other dads
* PEP classes
* find out what one special thing he'd like to do with them at least once a week, even for just 10 minutes, be it reading, golf, making pancakes, pizza night, game night, playing with matchbox cars, building legos, playing guitar for them....

I think this is really good advice for us. He won't do a class due to scheduling issues, but he will take our oldest to something he likes if I organize it -like a sporting event. But it is sort of depressing that I have to arrange, encourage, etc.

[Anonymous]

You described, to a T, my friend's husband. I hate being around him, he's always huffing and puffing, anxious to leave any gathering and hasn't vacationed in 9 years. My family, which includes my husband, son and dog, vacation with my friend and her daughter. Her pain is palpable, but has accepted this life. Her husband spends Saturdays running errands with his daughter, this is what he considers spending "quality time" with her. He sucks. He interrupts her phone calls, her conversations, and get this, and gets pissed when she and her daughter don't act ecstatic when he comes home. He insists on having only one vehicle, he grew up in Manhattan

She's still with him and probably will stay, he makes a lot of money and lifestyle is important to her. I couldn't live a partner who obviously didn't value me, and was disrespectful. My husband grew up very very poor, and his father had very little interaction with his children, so he's having to learn how to be a present father. I love him to death, but if he resembled your husband, I'd have to leave because of my resentment towards him. Children learn from their parents, with us setting an examples of how to act, talk, how to treat others, how to have patience, how to love.