quick shoulder rub, quick pat on back, quick circular petting on back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:quick pat on the shoulder seems fine. I'm a woman.

It's not fine.

[Anonymous]

It depends on our level of friendship. It’s too intimate for work unless we are also good friends. Also prob not ok beyond the pat from a male colleague (I’m female). I’m fairly tactile though. I touch hands and arms all the time and am comfortable with receiving touch as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on our level of friendship. It’s too intimate for work unless we are also good friends. Also prob not ok beyond the pat from a male colleague (I’m female). I’m fairly tactile though. I touch hands and arms all the time and am comfortable with receiving touch as well.

A touch on the arm or hand to get attention is one thing. Some may not even expect that

But this back massage nonsense OP is talking about? Like a stranger would know what would feel good to you

[Anonymous]

Gross - not work appropriate. Based on the title I was thinking this was going to be a question about PDA for a couple. somewhere.

Not okay!

The only one I would potentially find acceptable is quick pat on the back (well away from chest or waist area) . Shoulder rubs, circular petting - that's super creepy and likely grooming.

Unless you're working in a daycare and it's your job to comfort infants by rubbing their backs - stop!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is so weird about touch these days. No wonder teens aren’t having sex. First we sexualized nudity, now a shoulder tap. SMDH.

It's not necessarily a sexual thing. I don't want you to touch me---deal with it. Why are you compelled to put your hands on people?

I rarely touch people, but I also don't get bent out of shape over a light, brief touch.

Great, stay not bent out of shape

But I remember this thing creeping me out as a young woman in the 90s.

Unless I knew the person as an outside of work friend, I don’t assume familiarity

And that is what a touch on the shoulders is. I wouldn't touch someone who is higher ranking than me in that way, so I extend this courtesy to those on the same level as me or lower.

Higher rank?

[Anonymous]

Pat on the upper arm, shoulder, or top of the back is fine. No rubbing. Don't use both hands. Don't touch someone's head, face, neck, back, chest, forearm, waist, or obviously anything below the waist.

If this rule seems hard to follow or easy to screw up, just don't touch people at all beyond shaking hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about tapping a person’s shoulder or upper arm to get their attention in a crowded room/group where it’s noisy?

FTR, I’m a woman who did that to a male colleague and was surprised when he seemed startled/upset by it.

It was at a conference event in a ballroom with 1k+ people hustling past each other looking for their assigned tables, etc. It was loud. It was dimly lit as well. I needed to get his attention to ask him a work-related question for someone working the event and I figured tapping his shoulder/arm would be less abrupt/more polite.

Given his response, I made a mental note to never touch anyone at work again. And that’s weird imho. People I interact with professionally who aren’t employed by my company are more engaging and touch people without issue (handshakes, hugs, pat on the back, joking nudge, etc.).

To me that seems appropriate in the same circumstances I probably would have done the same thing. However, given these responses, it appears that as a 54 yo woman, I’m outdated. I’m not sure what the new etiquette would recommend - shouting in his ear, moving in front of him and waving my arms like semaphores?

All these people saying there should be absolutely no physical contact at work ever, are they including handshakes and COVID fist bumps in their prohibitions against physical contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about tapping a person’s shoulder or upper arm to get their attention in a crowded room/group where it’s noisy?

FTR, I’m a woman who did that to a male colleague and was surprised when he seemed startled/upset by it.

It was at a conference event in a ballroom with 1k+ people hustling past each other looking for their assigned tables, etc. It was loud. It was dimly lit as well. I needed to get his attention to ask him a work-related question for someone working the event and I figured tapping his shoulder/arm would be less abrupt/more polite.

Given his response, I made a mental note to never touch anyone at work again. And that’s weird imho. People I interact with professionally who aren’t employed by my company are more engaging and touch people without issue (handshakes, hugs, pat on the back, joking nudge, etc.).

To me that seems appropriate in the same circumstances I probably would have done the same thing. However, given these responses, it appears that as a 54 yo woman, I’m outdated. I’m not sure what the new etiquette would recommend - shouting in his ear, moving in front of him and waving my arms like semaphores?

All these people saying there should be absolutely no physical contact at work ever, are they including handshakes and COVID fist bumps in their prohibitions against physical contact?

I am definitely not saying there's any prohibition against handshakes or fist bumps, and the shoulder tap the PP describes would be fine with me.

However, unfortunately, there are a lot of people who will push the boundaries if you don't set very clear limits on it. I have encountered a remarkable number of people who will put their hands on the small of my back or waist, for instance. A common move by some men is to do this to move you "out of the way" (for instance if you happen to be standing in front of a cabinet they need access to) instead of just asking if you can move. Which is both invasive and demeaning, as though a woman needs help stepping 18 inches to one side. I've also had coworkers touch my thighs and hips, massage my back, take my hand in theirs (not in a handshake but like to hold it), and worse. And in each of these situations, they were not overtly hitting on me but had some kind of explanation for it. They were removing a piece of lint, acting out a part of a story, expressing concern, etc. But each of these incidents was inappropriate and made me feel uncomfortable. I've also noticed that some people get touched this way at work far more than others. Do you think a 6' man would be gently moved out of the way by someone touching his waist with both hands? Do you think men like that have colleagues touching their legs or hands under the pretense of helping them or demonstrating something for them? No. They don't.

It's like the cost for me of having a female body in a workplace is that I have to accept that other people are going to touch it. And not just men, either. Women will also touch me. I don't think it's always sexual. I think it's often a control thing. When I was younger I would sometimes be patted on the top of my head by certain people at work. I have a graduate degree. It is demeaning. And I think that's by design.

So yes, handshakes and fistbumps are fine and I wouldn't be upset about a pat or tap on the should or upper back. But I think you should ask yourself if the way you are touching a colleague is the way you would touch a tall, physically imposing, male boss. If the answer is no, don't do it. Treat everyone with the respect and deference, at least in terms of physical touch, that you would give to a tall, strong, man in a position of authority. Everyone deserves it.

[Anonymous]

The only person I know who used to rub my shoulder or pat my back at work turned out to be a womanizer who was cheating on his wife with all the willing female participants at work.

[Anonymous]

We have a couple touchy feely women at work now. People seem to accept it as it just being how they are but I hate it. People seem to think I am unreasonable for not wanting to be squeezed or petted or touched at work.

In a previous job there was an older male colleague who would put his hands on my shoulders when I was sitting. Hated that too but it was taken more seriously and he was spoken to when I said I didn’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about tapping a person’s shoulder or upper arm to get their attention in a crowded room/group where it’s noisy?

FTR, I’m a woman who did that to a male colleague and was surprised when he seemed startled/upset by it.

It was at a conference event in a ballroom with 1k+ people hustling past each other looking for their assigned tables, etc. It was loud. It was dimly lit as well. I needed to get his attention to ask him a work-related question for someone working the event and I figured tapping his shoulder/arm would be less abrupt/more polite.

Given his response, I made a mental note to never touch anyone at work again. And that’s weird imho. People I interact with professionally who aren’t employed by my company are more engaging and touch people without issue (handshakes, hugs, pat on the back, joking nudge, etc.).

To me that seems appropriate in the same circumstances I probably would have done the same thing. However, given these responses, it appears that as a 54 yo woman, I’m outdated. I’m not sure what the new etiquette would recommend - shouting in his ear, moving in front of him and waving my arms like semaphores?

All these people saying there should be absolutely no physical contact at work ever, are they including handshakes and COVID fist bumps in their prohibitions against physical contact?

Handshakes and fist bumps invite contact. You are putting your hand out and if they want to, they can respond and touch you. That is different from touching someone without an invitation or consent.

[Anonymous]

To me it is similar to someone using terms of endearment in the workplace. It shows poor boundaries and an over familiarity that isn’t appropriate in the workplace. Just be professional.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s all right in the work environment.

[Anonymous]

There is no touching of any kid at work.

And frankly I don't want to shake hands with anyone either ever again and so I no longer shake hands.

[Anonymous]

What about a female touching a males stomach at work?