My mom pulled memory care staffs hair today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also sent lunch in for all the staff today and they seemed to appreciate it! They were not concerned about what happened at all.

That was a perfect gesture. Nice job, OP. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will feel so much better if you try to let go of the hate. Ask me how I know.

Actually, they will feel much better when their Mom dies. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

This thread reminds me why I have suicide plans for if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or a related dementia disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is in a new facility and freaked out today and pulled a nurses hair. I am so horrified and embarassed by her and her behaviors.
She was a crappy mother to me growing up, and now she is ruining my life with her dementia and terrible behaviors. I know she is sick but I cannot stand her.
She is making my hard won, happy life miserable.

I'm sorry, I know this is not what you're looking for, but JFC you sound as nasty as you say your mother is. She has dementia. Her life is hell -- and you are complaining about her making YOUR life hell. Take a step back. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in a new facility and freaked out today and pulled a nurses hair. I am so horrified and embarassed by her and her behaviors.
She was a crappy mother to me growing up, and now she is ruining my life with her dementia and terrible behaviors. I know she is sick but I cannot stand her.
She is making my hard won, happy life miserable.

I'm sorry, I know this is not what you're looking for, but JFC you sound as nasty as you say your mother is. She has dementia. Her life is hell -- and you are complaining about her making YOUR life hell. Take a step back. Jeez.

...says the person who has never had to take care of a demented loved one.

It's so incredibly difficult to take care of someone with dementia who you actually love. Pile on a complicated relationship on top of obligation one feels to do their best by someone who they don't feel did their best by them and the guilt they feel for even feeling that way. It is a challenge! It's okay to feel anger and sadness and misery over the situation. OP is venting here because we don't know her and this is a safe space to scream into the universe. And despite her sheer honesty in her original post, she is still taking care of her mother, she is taking care of the staff, she's involved. Despite her personal sacrifices she's hanging in there which is all she can do.

Scream to the universe, OP. Let out your deepest darkest thoughts here. We won't judge (at least those of us who have lived this or are currently living it). You are probably verbalizing what many people are thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will feel so much better if you try to let go of the hate. Ask me how I know.

Actually, they will feel much better when their Mom dies. Ask me how I know.

But that might not be for a while. Should she knot herself up in hate and continue to feel miserable until that time comes? No, in my opinion. Let it go now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in a new facility and freaked out today and pulled a nurses hair. I am so horrified and embarassed by her and her behaviors.
She was a crappy mother to me growing up, and now she is ruining my life with her dementia and terrible behaviors. I know she is sick but I cannot stand her.
She is making my hard won, happy life miserable.

I'm sorry, I know this is not what you're looking for, but JFC you sound as nasty as you say your mother is. She has dementia. Her life is hell -- and you are complaining about her making YOUR life hell. Take a step back. Jeez.

...says the person who has never had to take care of a demented loved one.

It's so incredibly difficult to take care of someone with dementia who you actually love. Pile on a complicated relationship on top of obligation one feels to do their best by someone who they don't feel did their best by them and the guilt they feel for even feeling that way. It is a challenge! It's okay to feel anger and sadness and misery over the situation. OP is venting here because we don't know her and this is a safe space to scream into the universe. And despite her sheer honesty in her original post, she is still taking care of her mother, she is taking care of the staff, she's involved. Despite her personal sacrifices she's hanging in there which is all she can do.

Scream to the universe, OP. Let out your deepest darkest thoughts here. We won't judge (at least those of us who have lived this or are currently living it). You are probably verbalizing what many people are thinking.

You don't know who I have cared for. I have cared for two people with dementia -- one I didn't have anything against but didn't love, and one I despised. Having dementia is thousands of times worse than caring for someone with dementia. What a nightmare it must be. Have some compassion. It's a lot easier than continuing to feel self-pity and hate.

[Anonymous]

Put her into Medicaid facility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will feel so much better if you try to let go of the hate. Ask me how I know.

How, exactly, did you manage this? It beats in my heart and head like a drum.
“You ruined my life” “I can’t stand you” “you make me miserable” etc.
it’s not a good thing for sure.

What in your life IS a good thing?

My children and husband. My house, friends, pets, church, book club.

Those are a lot of good things! Try to focus on those. Despite your mother, it sounds like you a great life. She has no power over you anymore unless you let her. You can do your daughterly duty still, but in a neutral way. Good luck.

OP, I have a difficult mother as well. It's so hard! Wishing you well!

[Anonymous]

If your parent was terrible to you…why stay involved at all? She is in a home, so just stop all contact.