Concerned about DIL and Granddaughter bond
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Anonymous
| I hope this is a troll. You think a 6 year old loves her stuffies because her mom is cold? |
Anonymous
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You don’t address it. You also have to realize that even though you think you see them all the time, you really don’t. You are a guest at their house or you are somewhere out of their home. You are not seeing their day to day life when they aren’t hosting or visiting.
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Anonymous
Yes, my point was that even a favorite and beloved child could easily still exhibit the behavior OP finds so “worrying”— wanting to be with a stuffed animal My mother loved me very much we just didn’t have the specific bond she had with my sister, my dad and I are especially close. |
Anonymous
PP glad to hear that. |
Anonymous
+1 Many grandparents have done this. |
Anonymous
| You see your granddaughter once every so often and are surprised she wants tk be affectionate to you over her mother who she sees every day? |
Anonymous
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I’m going to go against the grain and give you the benefit of the doubt.
I was the unfavored child and here are things my aunt and grandmother did that helped- - they treated us all equally - they were kind and loving and maternal with me in the way that another female mother can be, but not as a mother as these shoes can never be fulfilled by another (this will be the child’s burden to bear and heal in the future) - they have me appropriate encouragement and proportional praise when deserved - they made me food when I visited and took me out for activities (that my mother never did but I don’t think they did it for this reason. They did it simply because I was a child and they were loving) As an adult when I sought validation I did speak to my aunt, grandmother and other family members about the way my mom treated me. They validated my experience and said they saw it too and their hearts hurt for me at the time. They said they are proud of the woman I am and that I am a good mom. There is nothing you can do. We are all dealt the hand we are dealt in life. My mother was cruel to me - she abused me physically, verbally, emotionally - often in front of my favored siblings. It was awful. I am so glad I had kind people in my lives during my childhood. I don’t think it would have helped for them to voice their observations to me. I do know my grandmother at one point did say some things to my mother about treating us equally. It did not help and my mother for very defensive. I also know people outside of our family expressed concern to my dad. He did nothing. He probably could have done something but was too afraid of my mother’s domineering personality. |
Anonymous
| My mother in law would say the same thing as you and it's because she wants to spend time with and direct what my kids do, so when she is around, I hand the kids over and take some time for myself. That way, I avoid conflict, she gets alone time with her grandchildren, I get some much needed downtime. |
Anonymous
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It also could be that DIL is stressed whenever you visit. She’s focused on the younger child, cleaning up the house, cooking and overall busy because of your visit. I have that dynamic and I’m the one that invites her over! DH wouldn’t care if the house was a mess and would offer cereal for dinner so it falls on me to do everything.
It also could be something entirely else. DH’s stepmom would always comment how we were too bonded, always hovering and always had a hand on DD. She thought it was strange we didn’t just let her run around their house so we all could chat without a kid around. Well DD was two years old and they had a 120 lb dog. DH as a young teen had been bitten by one of their Chow dogs and they laughed it, said it was DH’s fault. They also had a pool steps from their family room where they kept the sliding glass door open all the time. Yeah, we hovered and only went once. |
Anonymous
| It's taboo to talk about but it's very common for mothers to favor sons over daughters - especially if the son is the youngest child. I've seen this in my own family and in friend's families. All you can really do is be there for your granddaughter. Talk to her, show interest in her, make sure that she knows that she's loved because she can probably sense that her mother is disengaged now that her little brother is here. |
Anonymous
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Oh, so your son is negligent? Because apparently he sees his wife being cold to his daughter, and does nothing.
What a disappointment that you raised such an uncaring man. |
Anonymous
| I have a great relationship with my son so I’d ask him about it but not in an accusatory tone. If he has concerns himself then discuss how to help. If he doesn’t see it just move on. |
Anonymous
Don’t gossip about your son’s wife OP. It’s how you’ll get cut off. |