Selfish not to take free family trip?

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have more vacation time than you? If so, let him go and take the kids, and also do a 1-week family trip that includes you somewhere you want to go. My sister in law takes her kids on a similar trip every summer without my brother, then they also do a family vacation together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are thinking visiting 3x a year is too much. How do you feel about only seeing your children a few times a year when they are grown?

DP, but my parents come to see us about 4 times a year, sometimes more, and they always babysit a bit when they are here. We see them once a year, sometimes twice. They actually have a better house, though we have an in-law suite for them. They are retired and have unlimited travel time, whereas we work. This is pretty normal among my peers and how it should work.

Also, Florida in the summer? Hard no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are thinking visiting 3x a year is too much. How do you feel about only seeing your children a few times a year when they are grown?

DP, but my parents come to see us about 4 times a year, sometimes more, and they always babysit a bit when they are here. We see them once a year, sometimes twice. They actually have a better house, though we have an in-law suite for them. They are retired and have unlimited travel time, whereas we work. This is pretty normal among my peers and how it should work.

Also, Florida in the summer? Hard no.

That is very nice for you but is not in fact how it works for many of my peers, most of whom work full time. I hope you are grateful for your helpful parents.

[Anonymous]

Would you plan your own nuclear vacation for this summer if you didn’t take this trip? Or would this be the only opportunity you have to travel this summer? If it’s your only chance, I’d go. If not, I might feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In laws have a place in Florida close to the beach and DH and in laws really want us visit for a week during the summer. Young DCs would probably really enjoy the trip too.

Am I really selfish for being the sole holdout on this? The alternative is we go on our own vacation, but it would be far more expensive. Money isn’t tight but a consideration. I just don’t want to spend a week with the in-laws on our sole summer vacation. They are nice enough. They just don’t help with the kids, I never feel completely comfortable, the home is not baby proof and it doesn’t feel like our nuclear family creating memories anymore, its more about the grandparents. And we will be there twice during the holidays already.

Since it is a flight away, it doesn’t really make sense to just go for a few days in case, and they probably wouldn’t be thrilled if we split the time between their home and somewhere else anyway. So it’s all or nothing

Are they supposed to?

If they expect their kids and grandkids to travel to them multiple times a year, then yes.

I don’t think grandparents owe anyone a ton of free babysitting, but there is a range of what helpful means and I do think it includes participating in an active grandparent role and engaging children directly when they are brought to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In laws have a place in Florida close to the beach and DH and in laws really want us visit for a week during the summer. Young DCs would probably really enjoy the trip too.

Am I really selfish for being the sole holdout on this? The alternative is we go on our own vacation, but it would be far more expensive. Money isn’t tight but a consideration. I just don’t want to spend a week with the in-laws on our sole summer vacation. They are nice enough. They just don’t help with the kids, I never feel completely comfortable, the home is not baby proof and it doesn’t feel like our nuclear family creating memories anymore, its more about the grandparents. And we will be there twice during the holidays already.

Since it is a flight away, it doesn’t really make sense to just go for a few days in case, and they probably wouldn’t be thrilled if we split the time between their home and somewhere else anyway. So it’s all or nothing

Are they supposed to?

If they expect their kids and grandkids to travel to them multiple times a year, then yes.

I don’t think grandparents owe anyone a ton of free babysitting, but there is a range of what helpful means and I do think it includes participating in an active grandparent role and engaging children directly when they are brought to visit.

I don't think OP should live her life trying to meet other people's expectations. What her in-laws expect shouldn't be the primary factor in determining whether to make a third trip to Florida this year. This is OP's life, and she's a young parent balancing motherhood and work and gets limited vacation time and deserves a break that feels good to her, too.

[Anonymous]

Send DH and the kids alone and you get a week at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are thinking visiting 3x a year is too much. How do you feel about only seeing your children a few times a year when they are grown?

It’s not 3x is too much, it’s that they can’t afford the time or money to do any other trips. We do the vast majority of our travel to my ILs and I don’t mind it but I like going other places too. We split the difference by inviting them to join us at a resort occasionally (some of our best vacations!). I think how much you care about the trip being just your nuclear family depends a lot on the relationship with the in laws. I think one trip of what you actually want to do a year is very reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In laws have a place in Florida close to the beach and DH and in laws really want us visit for a week during the summer. Young DCs would probably really enjoy the trip too.

Am I really selfish for being the sole holdout on this? The alternative is we go on our own vacation, but it would be far more expensive. Money isn’t tight but a consideration. I just don’t want to spend a week with the in-laws on our sole summer vacation. They are nice enough. They just don’t help with the kids, I never feel completely comfortable, the home is not baby proof and it doesn’t feel like our nuclear family creating memories anymore, its more about the grandparents. And we will be there twice during the holidays already.

Since it is a flight away, it doesn’t really make sense to just go for a few days in case, and they probably wouldn’t be thrilled if we split the time between their home and somewhere else anyway. So it’s all or nothing

Are they supposed to?

If they expect their kids and grandkids to travel to them multiple times a year, then yes.

I don’t think grandparents owe anyone a ton of free babysitting, but there is a range of what helpful means and I do think it includes participating in an active grandparent role and engaging children directly when they are brought to visit.

I don't think OP should live her life trying to meet other people's expectations. What her in-laws expect shouldn't be the primary factor in determining whether to make a third trip to Florida this year. This is OP's life, and she's a young parent balancing motherhood and work and gets limited vacation time and deserves a break that feels good to her, too.

Absolutely agree with you and didn’t mean to imply otherwise with my comment.

[Anonymous]

How is your dh on these trips? Does he help with packing and the kids or is it all on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In laws have a place in Florida close to the beach and DH and in laws really want us visit for a week during the summer. Young DCs would probably really enjoy the trip too.

Am I really selfish for being the sole holdout on this? The alternative is we go on our own vacation, but it would be far more expensive. Money isn’t tight but a consideration. I just don’t want to spend a week with the in-laws on our sole summer vacation. They are nice enough. They just don’t help with the kids, I never feel completely comfortable, the home is not baby proof and it doesn’t feel like our nuclear family creating memories anymore, its more about the grandparents. And we will be there twice during the holidays already.

Since it is a flight away, it doesn’t really make sense to just go for a few days in case, and they probably wouldn’t be thrilled if we split the time between their home and somewhere else anyway. So it’s all or nothing

Can you use the savings to do something shorter close to home just the nuclear family? 3-4 days in Ocean City, Virginia Beach, Williamsburg, even Great Wolf Lodge or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your dh on these trips? Does he help with packing and the kids or is it all on you?

I agree with this question. On the flip side I think it has to be considered where OP’s family are and how easy it is to see them. If it is easy to see OP’s family (they are local, for example) I would feel more sensitive to DH’s desire to see his family. That’s not the only factor — how helpful he is with travel matters, if he’s willing to stand up for OP and say no to his parents when it matters, etc. I think there may also be more room for compromise than OP thinks. Although if DH is inflexible about details, that’s not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're going to be there 2x this year, I would say skip it. There are so many other places in the world to see instead of going to FL 3x a year.

+1 and FL in summer is gross. Holidays there sound better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are thinking visiting 3x a year is too much. How do you feel about only seeing your children a few times a year when they are grown?

This very much depends on the details. Unless the grandparents are too old or ill to travel (which is not mentioned here) there needs to be give and take when there is distance involved. Also these visits are for up to a week at a time. Expecting grown children to spend three weeks per year + visiting you (and taking time off work) is unrealistic for most. Surely the grandparents also have the option of traveling to visit their grown children (and will usually have more scheduling flexibility to do so). There is also the option of meeting up somewhere that the grown children would actually like to vacation- rather than expecting them to just visit your home each time.

I don’t know what other visits happen throughout the year as OP doesn’t say.

We live across the country from my parents and see them about 4 times/year. We travel to them 1-2x per year, depending, and for the other visits they come to us, or we meet elsewhere. I am not able or willing to travel to them 3x+ per year. It would take up most of my vacation time for the year, and leave no time to do any other vacations or trips.

[Anonymous]

This would depend on a lot of different factors for me:

-is OP’s side of the family local, or does travel time & $ need to visit them need to be considered too?
-does the DH help as a full parenting partner during these visits, or does he fall into “relaxation mode” when he is around his parents
-are the accommodations reasonably comfortable for OP? Do they have a bedroom for their use, or is it some sort of sofa bed in the den type of situation?
-is the setup reasonably comfortable and convenient for the kids? No unsecured pool? Somewhat childproofed? In-laws have a pack n play, car seat etc or willing to rent or arrange for those items? Some toys for the kids? Those things help immensely and are not overly costly.
-is the expectation to be together 24/7 or is there at least a little freedom and flexibility? Can OP run to the cafe down the street for coffee or go out for a run, or can she and DH take the kids somewhere for a few hours while ILs rest or do other things? access to borrow a vehicle? These little things can be sanity saving when staying with family.

It really depends on the setup and DH and IL expectations. This kind of trip/visit can be very tolerable or even fun, OR it can be really really unpleasant. Depends which this is.