DH struggling with postpartum and I resent it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a baby nurse or nanny if at all possible. Hopefully he makes decent money because having babysitters through your child’s life is what will get you through. Men like this don’t change.

He doesnt make good money, and I'm still expected to contribute 50/50, although he's told me he will take over all the bills if I need him to. That's something else he's mad about, I was late with venmoing him for half of a bill. I told him I'm starting to feel like some kind of slave

This is the biggest red flag I’ve heard. You Venmo him for half of bills???? Are you sure you’re even married? I know some married people keep separate finances (so they can have savings or fun money) but yours is extreme. I’m not sure there’s a path forward. Your dh is a man baby who can’t handle being a husband or father. Was his family of origin like this? People from happily married families don’t pull this shit.

My dad also was patriarchal and my mom a sahm. My dad was still so hands on as a dad. He ate dinner at 6pm every night, coached us, tickle fights, playgrounds and loved to do things with us. He just didn’t do many chores and never cooked. But he supported the family financially. Patriarchal guys don’t have their wives Venmo them. This sounds like my coworkers Gen z relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^and btw he is on track to be earning more in the future, but as of right now we definitely cannot afford a nanny or night nurse. I've suggested getting a weekly maid since he's kind of a neat freak and that's also supposedly too expensive

What is the plan for childcare when you go back to work?

One thing I insisted on that was really important was equitably sharing pick up and drop offs, and coverage for sick days. Please focus on this so you can keep your career on track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d ramp up the time I leave him alone with the baby. Starting with 30-45 minute errands, then up to 2-3 depending on the feeding schedule.

Seriously, this guy needs to step up.

And remember - he’s not babysitting, he’s being a parent.

+1. When the baby smiles/laughs it will be therapy for his mood swings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mental rigidity around the venmo thing is also a red flag for ASD.

O good god. Stop diagnosing everyone with ASD. It’s offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeat at museum "I am not your mom, you didn't marry your mom". His has very set expectations of how it needs to go as he grew up with it and absorbed it all.
You need to leave him with the baby for an hour + or preferably all day one day. The lack of sex is probably a big surprise to him too. He is clearly not a patient person. I think it was 6 months until I had sex post partial and another 6 until it didn't feel painful. Nursing does a number on the desire and even the mechanics for many women.

My dh was super patient but I think you have to try to have sex at 6-8 weeks. The first time after all 3 babies wasn’t fantastic. But then it was every time after. You have to fake it till you make it. Sex is still an important part of all marriages. Men become grumpy little babies with no sex (sad as that is…). I also felt closer once it finally happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^and btw he is on track to be earning more in the future, but as of right now we definitely cannot afford a nanny or night nurse. I've suggested getting a weekly maid since he's kind of a neat freak and that's also supposedly too expensive

What is the plan for childcare when you go back to work?

One thing I insisted on that was really important was equitably sharing pick up and drop offs, and coverage for sick days. Please focus on this so you can keep your career on track.

Agreed!! When you have a baby is when you force the equality. If you don’t do it now, it won’t magically happen when they’re in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a baby nurse or nanny if at all possible. Hopefully he makes decent money because having babysitters through your child’s life is what will get you through. Men like this don’t change.

He doesnt make good money, and I'm still expected to contribute 50/50, although he's told me he will take over all the bills if I need him to. That's something else he's mad about, I was late with venmoing him for half of a bill. I told him I'm starting to feel like some kind of slave

This is the biggest red flag I’ve heard. You Venmo him for half of bills???? Are you sure you’re even married? I know some married people keep separate finances (so they can have savings or fun money) but yours is extreme. I’m not sure there’s a path forward. Your dh is a man baby who can’t handle being a husband or father. Was his family of origin like this? People from happily married families don’t pull this shit.

My dad also was patriarchal and my mom a sahm. My dad was still so hands on as a dad. He ate dinner at 6pm every night, coached us, tickle fights, playgrounds and loved to do things with us. He just didn’t do many chores and never cooked. But he supported the family financially. Patriarchal guys don’t have their wives Venmo them. This sounds like my coworkers Gen z relationships.

Assume OP agreed to this financial arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Neat freaks get to clean more to get the house to their standard. I'm a cluttered person, DH hates it. He took over all the laundry and he couldn't deal with it unfolded in baskets. He cleans his spaces, taught the kids the organize their stuff and sort their own laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one of these. Doesn’t get better. Be careful about doing everything yourself so you don’t have to deal with his moods - later, he’ll blame you for being controlling and say you made him feel like he could never do anything right. I’m really sorry, I wish I had a solution for you.

My wife is currently dealing with this behavior with me. She feels I will never grow up and be a mature adult. Do we ever change?

Why do you think it’s appropriate to continue to behave this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one of these. Doesn’t get better. Be careful about doing everything yourself so you don’t have to deal with his moods - later, he’ll blame you for being controlling and say you made him feel like he could never do anything right. I’m really sorry, I wish I had a solution for you.

My wife is currently dealing with this behavior with me. She feels I will never grow up and be a mature adult. Do we ever change?

Why do you think it’s appropriate to continue to behave this way?

Why are you feeding this obvious troll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one of these. Doesn’t get better. Be careful about doing everything yourself so you don’t have to deal with his moods - later, he’ll blame you for being controlling and say you made him feel like he could never do anything right. I’m really sorry, I wish I had a solution for you.

My wife is currently dealing with this behavior with me. She feels I will never grow up and be a mature adult. Do we ever change?

Why do you think it’s appropriate to continue to behave this way?

I don't it's not at all but I never change or prove to her. All I care about is sex honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he take paternity leave yet? Dh took 1 month when our babies were born and then when I went back to work he took 2 more months. I think those months by himself were key to bonding with our babies.

He’s being really rotten to you. I’d have a come to Jesus talk with him.

He took two weeks. Could have easily taken more but his family advised against it as they thought it would impact his career potential. I was never really consulted on that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a baby nurse or nanny if at all possible. Hopefully he makes decent money because having babysitters through your child’s life is what will get you through. Men like this don’t change.

He doesnt make good money, and I'm still expected to contribute 50/50, although he's told me he will take over all the bills if I need him to. That's something else he's mad about, I was late with venmoing him for half of a bill. I told him I'm starting to feel like some kind of slave

This is the biggest red flag I’ve heard. You Venmo him for half of bills???? Are you sure you’re even married? I know some married people keep separate finances (so they can have savings or fun money) but yours is extreme. I’m not sure there’s a path forward. Your dh is a man baby who can’t handle being a husband or father. Was his family of origin like this? People from happily married families don’t pull this shit.

My dad also was patriarchal and my mom a sahm. My dad was still so hands on as a dad. He ate dinner at 6pm every night, coached us, tickle fights, playgrounds and loved to do things with us. He just didn’t do many chores and never cooked. But he supported the family financially. Patriarchal guys don’t have their wives Venmo them. This sounds like my coworkers Gen z relationships.

Assume OP agreed to this financial arrangement.

Life arrangements get re negotiated after big life changes. Like having a baby. Women who just had babies and aren’t even working shouldn’t be venmoing their husbands for bills. Did she have to pay her hospital bill for giving birth all by herself or did he split that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one of these. Doesn’t get better. Be careful about doing everything yourself so you don’t have to deal with his moods - later, he’ll blame you for being controlling and say you made him feel like he could never do anything right. I’m really sorry, I wish I had a solution for you.

My wife is currently dealing with this behavior with me. She feels I will never grow up and be a mature adult. Do we ever change?

Why do you think it’s appropriate to continue to behave this way?

I don't it's not at all but I never change or prove to her. All I care about is sex honestly.

See?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a baby nurse or nanny if at all possible. Hopefully he makes decent money because having babysitters through your child’s life is what will get you through. Men like this don’t change.

He doesnt make good money, and I'm still expected to contribute 50/50, although he's told me he will take over all the bills if I need him to. That's something else he's mad about, I was late with venmoing him for half of a bill. I told him I'm starting to feel like some kind of slave

This is the biggest red flag I’ve heard. You Venmo him for half of bills???? Are you sure you’re even married? I know some married people keep separate finances (so they can have savings or fun money) but yours is extreme. I’m not sure there’s a path forward. Your dh is a man baby who can’t handle being a husband or father. Was his family of origin like this? People from happily married families don’t pull this shit.

My dad also was patriarchal and my mom a sahm. My dad was still so hands on as a dad. He ate dinner at 6pm every night, coached us, tickle fights, playgrounds and loved to do things with us. He just didn’t do many chores and never cooked. But he supported the family financially. Patriarchal guys don’t have their wives Venmo them. This sounds like my coworkers Gen z relationships.

Unfortunately his family is very progressive, which I thought was a good thing. My birth family is similar to yours- SAHM and with a dad that works, and I saw the pitfalls of that. I really thought that because he talked a good game about equality and we went half on things that it would be equitable. Now I see that it just meant I get to do all the housework and childcare AND pay the bills on top of it. And yes, we are younger (mid-late 20s). He says he'd like me to SAHM one day but I feel like his expectations are absolutely nuts.