DH struggling with postpartum and I resent it

[Anonymous]

I gave birth about two months and ago and it appears my DH had zero idea or expectation of what was coming. He gets extremely frustrated when the baby is crying and doesnt want to have to deal with it for more than ten minutes, tops. I ask him to take the baby for around 10-15 minutes at the end of the day when I need to get ready for bed, brush teeth, etc, and 9 times out of 10 he's in a rotten mood when I come out of the bathroom, picking fights and generally annoyed. Yesterday he said he doesnt feel connected to me anymore, that he dreads coming home. I feel like I'm losing my mind... like I have to tiptoe around a grown man and his volatile emotions at a time when I should be completely focused on the baby and healing and getting into a groove with our new life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he regressed in maturity.

[Anonymous]

I’d ramp up the time I leave him alone with the baby. Starting with 30-45 minute errands, then up to 2-3 depending on the feeding schedule.

Seriously, this guy needs to step up.

And remember - he’s not babysitting, he’s being a parent.

[Anonymous]

What a jerk. I’m so sorry. Maybe he’ll get better at parenting as the baby gets older?

[Anonymous]

Does he have parents alive? Id try to get them to come so he can be with his parents and the baby and see how they do it. If they are nice Id mention what you said here and ask for help

[Anonymous]

Hopefully you aren't the poster who went back to work and walked out on the first day back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have parents alive? Id try to get them to come so he can be with his parents and the baby and see how they do it. If they are nice Id mention what you said here and ask for help

His parents probably wont do anything and IMO have a very bizarre dynamic. Mom works and handles almost all household labor, dad stays home and does.. pretty much nothing other than hobbies that are supposed to one day start making money and currently dont. I think they believe I should be doing pretty much everything around the house, including cleaning and of course full time breastfeeding. I dont have a close relationship with them and have distanced myself

[Anonymous]

I had one of these. Doesn’t get better. Be careful about doing everything yourself so you don’t have to deal with his moods - later, he’ll blame you for being controlling and say you made him feel like he could never do anything right. I’m really sorry, I wish I had a solution for you.

[Anonymous]

First year with a kid and first 6 month so so so hard. The less he takes the baby the more th baby will cry with him unfortunately. When a calm moment happens I'd talk to him. Push away resentment and contempt for a second. Remind him that this is a time to connect with this new human, all the relationships in the family are new again with the birth. And it's really hard. For you and it's hard for him. But he is a grownup and presumably wanted a family and a child so he has to figure out how to be involved in the family. Find his own groove with the baby etc. Dreading coming home is terrible and has to be managed. Crying is really hard on everyone and I sense that men are not equipped for it as they want to fix it, they can't. Crying is communication for babies who have no other way to tell you anything. Maybe the baby likes music and he can come home and put on whatever DH likes and rock out while kid is in a swing or in daddy's arms etc etc.
My DH really liked the baby carrier once she was a few months and walked so many miles. It helped to get endorphins while walking and it soothed the kid with the motion and the sound of his breathing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have parents alive? Id try to get them to come so he can be with his parents and the baby and see how they do it. If they are nice Id mention what you said here and ask for help

His parents probably wont do anything and IMO have a very bizarre dynamic. Mom works and handles almost all household labor, dad stays home and does.. pretty much nothing other than hobbies that are supposed to one day start making money and currently dont. I think they believe I should be doing pretty much everything around the house, including cleaning and of course full time breastfeeding. I dont have a close relationship with them and have distanced myself

Ah. So his expectations of fatherhood are totally warped. You have to discuss that. As those are not the expectations you two have for him right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one of these. Doesn’t get better. Be careful about doing everything yourself so you don’t have to deal with his moods - later, he’ll blame you for being controlling and say you made him feel like he could never do anything right. I’m really sorry, I wish I had a solution for you.

My wife is currently dealing with this behavior with me. She feels I will never grow up and be a mature adult. Do we ever change?

[Anonymous]

Can he come with you to a pediatrician appointment and you can mention hes finding it challenging and ask for tips? Just thinking maybe hearing that it's normal /how to behave from a professional could help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have parents alive? Id try to get them to come so he can be with his parents and the baby and see how they do it. If they are nice Id mention what you said here and ask for help

His parents probably wont do anything and IMO have a very bizarre dynamic. Mom works and handles almost all household labor, dad stays home and does.. pretty much nothing other than hobbies that are supposed to one day start making money and currently dont. I think they believe I should be doing pretty much everything around the house, including cleaning and of course full time breastfeeding. I dont have a close relationship with them and have distanced myself

Ah. So his expectations of fatherhood are totally warped. You have to discuss that. As those are not the expectations you two have for him right?

I have told him point blank that I will never be doing everything around the house for him and basically that I am nothing like his mom. He "accepted" that but I think deep inside he still resents me for it and has gotten mad at me several times that the place isnt clean enough, even though I am exclusively breast feeding and sleep deprived and doing my best. To his credit, he does cook for me and helps around the house, but yesterday he basically admitted how much he resents it and that he "doesnt feel connected to me anymore" (this was said like it was some huge deal, like a horrible indictment of our relationship). He's very sexual and I wonder if it's because we havent had sex yet? But it almost enrages me that he has so little patience or understanding of what having an INFANT is like. And I get that this is a hard period and we're both struggling but every few days he crashes out about how awful his life has become and I have to talk him down and reassure him, and I'm completely sick of it. I shouldnt be up half the night, worrying about my marriage being over, in addition to the lost sleep I'm already getting from waking up every three hours to nurse. And no matter how many times I try to tell him this, it's clear he's miserable and that he thinks this situation is somehow uniquely horrible to him and he's being somehow victimized by me and the child.

[Anonymous]

Hire a baby nurse or nanny if at all possible. Hopefully he makes decent money because having babysitters through your child’s life is what will get you through. Men like this don’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one of these. Doesn’t get better. Be careful about doing everything yourself so you don’t have to deal with his moods - later, he’ll blame you for being controlling and say you made him feel like he could never do anything right. I’m really sorry, I wish I had a solution for you.

My wife is currently dealing with this behavior with me. She feels I will never grow up and be a mature adult. Do we ever change?

You can only change if you want to change.