How to handle situation with niece

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she may be on the spectrum and would benefit from a social skills group. Your kids can’t always the social skills group.

- parent of kid on the spectrum.

Why do you need to diagnose a child you haven't met? Does that meet your needs? No, just no.

I'm not that poster, but I also wonder if the niece is autistic. I think it's worth saying because if she is, the aunt shouldn't expect her to become more flexible. And the comments saying, "you just need to make your expectations clear when she's at your house" are off base, because even if she understands the expectations, she is likely to not be able to conform to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she may be on the spectrum and would benefit from a social skills group. Your kids can’t always the social skills group.

- parent of kid on the spectrum.

Why do you need to diagnose a child you haven't met? Does that meet your needs? No, just no.

Stop it. The rules are different on anonymous message boards, which is why they're so useful. Here I can say exactly what I think, and it might prove to be true. This child certainly exhibits all the signs. Rid yourself of the idea that suggesting a diagnosis is somehow rude - I am trying to help.

The more people know, the better off they are. If OP and her family hasn't thought about this possible diagnosis, this might lead to OP behaving differently towards her niece, and eventually persuade her parents to get her evaluated. There's a different approach to managing such a child's needs compared to managing a child who is merely spoiled and bratty.

There's not enough information in the post for you to run with the she might be on the spectrum line. It's tired . If everyone is Neurodivergent then no one is. Stop looking for zebras.

Then instead of attacking people and cluttering up the thread, just skip right over those posts. YOU are the problem, PP. No one else is being rude except you.

No the problem is people who want to offer a diagnosis on the Internet without basis. It's gotten out of control.

And if you don't like my reply you're free to take your own advice and skip over it

I think the opposite is true -- there are far more people who are diagnosable than posters on DCUM seem to realize. When I read OP's post, my first thought was, "Don't people realize that most of the time when a child has behavior that's so outside the norm that it warrants a DCUM post (or complaining about the child or asking for advice on how to avoid the child or asking whether they should confront the mom, which are all common threads on DCUM), the child actually has autism or ADHD or some other diagnosis." There should be a pinned post at the top of several of the forums that says, "if you're coming here to complain about a child's behavior, realize that the child is likely neurodivergent."

[Anonymous]

My sibling lives about an hour away, and in many ways that is perfect. We get together about 1x month, 2 max. It makes the time together "special." ie They have a chance to miss each other and look forward to seeing each other. Although some visits are just hanging out and playing usually there is some activity we all do together. ie hiking, miniature golf, movies, escape room, snow tubing, beach, going to a fun restaurant, sprinklers or kiddie pool in the yard, etc. We do a sleepover about once every two months. They all have a blast with fairly minimal drama. I do think if they were getting together constantly, they might fight a lot and it just wouldn't be as special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she may be on the spectrum and would benefit from a social skills group. Your kids can’t always the social skills group.

- parent of kid on the spectrum.

Why do you need to diagnose a child you haven't met? Does that meet your needs? No, just no.

Stop it. The rules are different on anonymous message boards, which is why they're so useful. Here I can say exactly what I think, and it might prove to be true. This child certainly exhibits all the signs. Rid yourself of the idea that suggesting a diagnosis is somehow rude - I am trying to help.

The more people know, the better off they are. If OP and her family hasn't thought about this possible diagnosis, this might lead to OP behaving differently towards her niece, and eventually persuade her parents to get her evaluated. There's a different approach to managing such a child's needs compared to managing a child who is merely spoiled and bratty.

There's not enough information in the post for you to run with the she might be on the spectrum line. It's tired . If everyone is Neurodivergent then no one is. Stop looking for zebras.

Then instead of attacking people and cluttering up the thread, just skip right over those posts. YOU are the problem, PP. No one else is being rude except you.

No the problem is people who want to offer a diagnosis on the Internet without basis. It's gotten out of control.

And if you don't like my reply you're free to take your own advice and skip over it

I think the opposite is true -- there are far more people who are diagnosable than posters on DCUM seem to realize. When I read OP's post, my first thought was, "Don't people realize that most of the time when a child has behavior that's so outside the norm that it warrants a DCUM post (or complaining about the child or asking for advice on how to avoid the child or asking whether they should confront the mom, which are all common threads on DCUM), the child actually has autism or ADHD or some other diagnosis." There should be a pinned post at the top of several of the forums that says, "if you're coming here to complain about a child's behavior, realize that the child is likely neurodivergent."

NP. To add to that, most of us who suggest considering neurodivergence aren’t trying to diagnose. We recognize those behaviors in people we know, often our children or partners, so we mention it when someone asks for advice about it. Most of us had to go through the work of realizing there was an issue and getting a diagnosis, and it’s not always an easy or clear path. If someone could’ve helped me piece together the clues while we were trying to figure out why my neurospicy family behaves the way we do, we could’ve shaved months or years off the diagnosis process and started treatments and therapies sooner.

[Anonymous]

There is no delicate way to handle it. I'd recommend moving. It's sad but it will preserve goodwill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar situation. I had no problem stepping up and discipling the nephew when the parents weren't around or failed to do so. If the situation isn't working for you or the kids, the first step can be to call out and correct any problematic behavior when you witness it. And make sure you're around.

If the ask about sleepovers and your kids don't want to, just say they're not up for that right now.

Things are much better with our nephew now, years later. It was a learning curve of mine learning to stand up for themselves and accept people outside of their pair and nephew learning what was acceptable behavior in our home and with his cousins. Now they're good friends and enjoy regular visits with each other.

They've got a lifetime ahead, many years to grow, learn, and adapt.

This. I have no problem correcting if under my supervision.
Actually doing gives you a good way to start talking behavior with the parents.
‘Yep Barbie , kids had a fine time. Got a little tired of each other after while, but that happens. I had to put Larla in timeout for 15 min because she did x,y, z.
She was back on track after that,.
See what what happens after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL have one daughter who is 8, and my girls are 7 and 10. They wanted more children but couldn’t have another for health reasons, and because of that feel strongly that their DD needs to spend as much time as possible with her cousins. Last summer they moved closer to us (now live about 30 mins apart) and push for the girls to hang out/see one another as much as possible.

Every second the kids are not in school/camp SIL asks me if they can hang out, but the problem is that my niece is a very difficult child and my kids have started complaining about spending time with her and can only handle her in small doses. She is very bossy and rigid/inflexible, and it’s her way or the highway or she gets mad. My kids have trouble playing with her because she doesn’t like to do the same things as them (ex. she is obsessed with American Girl dolls and only wants to play with them but my kids aren’t into them). She is also very whiny and complains non-stop.

My kids can deal when she comes over for just a couple hours, but SIL is always trying to arrange sleepovers so they have more time together - she will often ask if her DD can spend the weekend with us, or will invite my kids to stay with them, but they beg me to say no.

It’s a really tough situation because we love them and all used to be really close (when we saw each other less), and this comes from a good place. I know my niece hasn’t made many friends since they moved and feel badly about that. She is a good-hearted but difficult/ awkward kid.

How would you handle? I try saying we are busy but they don’t want to take no for an answer and then my brother calls and gives me a guilt trip. If I say we aren’t available on X day or weekend they will just ask me to confirm the next time we are.

I would gently suggest they consider having her evaluated for autism. Sounds like DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she may be on the spectrum and would benefit from a social skills group. Your kids can’t always the social skills group.

- parent of kid on the spectrum.

Why do you need to diagnose a child you haven't met? Does that meet your needs? No, just no.

Stop it. The rules are different on anonymous message boards, which is why they're so useful. Here I can say exactly what I think, and it might prove to be true. This child certainly exhibits all the signs. Rid yourself of the idea that suggesting a diagnosis is somehow rude - I am trying to help.

The more people know, the better off they are. If OP and her family hasn't thought about this possible diagnosis, this might lead to OP behaving differently towards her niece, and eventually persuade her parents to get her evaluated. There's a different approach to managing such a child's needs compared to managing a child who is merely spoiled and bratty.

There's not enough information in the post for you to run with the she might be on the spectrum line. It's tired . If everyone is Neurodivergent then no one is. Stop looking for zebras.

Stop being an ablest wench. Wait until it happens to your lived one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old was like this. She was dx'd w ASD level 1 a few months ago. Not that it's your place to talk about this but more of an FYI. She loves her friends but needed therapy to "learn how to play" where it just wasn't her way or the highway. Her best friends now understand this and she is working hard to be open to others ideas. When kids dont want to play with her she was/is crushed so whatever you do be gentle. She just may not be able to pivot from her tendancies

Exactly. And I learned that my daughter was bossy because of anxiety and overwhelmed bc she could not read social cues. I’m really glad I am aware now and DD gets explicit social instruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she may be on the spectrum and would benefit from a social skills group. Your kids can’t always the social skills group.

- parent of kid on the spectrum.

Why do you need to diagnose a child you haven't met? Does that meet your needs? No, just no.

NP here, it’s common to notice similarities when you’re around someone on the spectrum. I think people need to stop acting like autism is some kind of slur. The point remains: The child needs a social skills group and her cousins cannot be her therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no delicate way to handle it. I'd recommend moving. It's sad but it will preserve goodwill.

They already moved closer to them once… What if they follow them again???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL have one daughter who is 8, and my girls are 7 and 10. They wanted more children but couldn’t have another for health reasons, and because of that feel strongly that their DD needs to spend as much time as possible with her cousins. Last summer they moved closer to us (now live about 30 mins apart) and push for the girls to hang out/see one another as much as possible.

Every second the kids are not in school/camp SIL asks me if they can hang out, but the problem is that my niece is a very difficult child and my kids have started complaining about spending time with her and can only handle her in small doses. She is very bossy and rigid/inflexible, and it’s her way or the highway or she gets mad. My kids have trouble playing with her because she doesn’t like to do the same things as them (ex. she is obsessed with American Girl dolls and only wants to play with them but my kids aren’t into them). She is also very whiny and complains non-stop.

My kids can deal when she comes over for just a couple hours, but SIL is always trying to arrange sleepovers so they have more time together - she will often ask if her DD can spend the weekend with us, or will invite my kids to stay with them, but they beg me to say no.

It’s a really tough situation because we love them and all used to be really close (when we saw each other less), and this comes from a good place. I know my niece hasn’t made many friends since they moved and feel badly about that. She is a good-hearted but difficult/ awkward kid.

How would you handle? I try saying we are busy but they don’t want to take no for an answer and then my brother calls and gives me a guilt trip. If I say we aren’t available on X day or weekend they will just ask me to confirm the next time we are.

I would gently suggest they consider having her evaluated for autism. Sounds like DD

This will solve your problem because it will sever the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she may be on the spectrum and would benefit from a social skills group. Your kids can’t always the social skills group.

- parent of kid on the spectrum.

Why do you need to diagnose a child you haven't met? Does that meet your needs? No, just no.

NP here, it’s common to notice similarities when you’re around someone on the spectrum. I think people need to stop acting like autism is some kind of slur. The point remains: The child needs a social skills group and her cousins cannot be her therapists.

+1 from yet another NP with a dd with HFA, who thinks OP’s niece is likely on the spectrum. I don’t know if BIL and SIL are using OP’s kids to fill the void because their dd has no friends or whether they’re actually hoping spending time with cousins will help their dd learn how to play with others successfully, but their plan isn’t working.

I wouldn’t mention autism to them, but I would gently let them know that my kids can’t be their cousin’s entire social life and that they need to invest in relationships with other people too.