Vacation disagreement on where to go

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Why can’t you go on this trip without him?


OP here. I could go without him. The trip would be about $12k and 10 days of vacation time. I would rather spend the money and vacations days together.


I'm sure he would as well. How old is your daughter? What is she expecting?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Why can’t you go on this trip without him?


OP here. I could go without him. The trip would be about $12k and 10 days of vacation time. I would rather spend the money and vacations days together.


It sounds to me like you need to be taking more vacation, and either spending a higher proportion of your income on vacations or going on cheaper vacations. 10 days is nothing.


Ten days is "nothing"? What are you? A SAHMommy? You clearly have no understanding that many of us have work obligations.
Anonymous
OP, you are leaving out a crucial bit of info here: how old your daughter is and what her expectations of this trip are.

If you are going to disappoint a school-age daughter over a trip that has been in the making for 2 years because your new DH wants couple trips -- then you are epitomizing one of the problems brought up on DCUM all the time and displaying why people need to put their kids first and not do this me,me,me marriage stuff bringing in a stepdad who will steal focus/resources/etc (which is exactly what is happening here if DD is a kid).

If DD is 30, and you have been taking her on vacations with you as an adult, then I think something has got to give there, and your new husband is correct to express concern about wanting trips to be couple trips now. (Although he seems very selfish and whiny either way tbh).

We need more info.
Anonymous
OP, go on your trip. You've planned it, you are looking forward to it, you have established this as a tradition, and it sounds like it is a great trip to do with your daughter. Plus, you dont actually think your spouse will enjoy it, so why ruin it?

Go on the trip. Let spouse plan an anniversary trip. And then discuss together the next time a larger extended family trip is on the horizon. While I understand that you want to travel with your new husband, you should not sacrifice all aspects of your life prior to him to do so. This is not either/or.

Anonymous
Why do you think he'd want to go on this trip next year, OP? he won't. he doesn't want to travel with your daughter/family and he specifically said so.

I would go on the trip as planned and do a trip with him next year.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he'd want to go on this trip next year, OP? he won't. he doesn't want to travel with your daughter/family and he specifically said so.

I would go on the trip as planned and do a trip with him next year.


This. Don’t cancel a trip you’ve been planning for 2 years for a guy you don’t seem to have known that long.
Anonymous
Just because you have been talking about a bucket list trip doesn't mean he understood you were in the planning stage. Did u specially ask about dates and if that would work for him? You two need to communicate.
Anonymous
You wanted your new husband to fit into your old life without considering the idea you needed to create a life together.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Of course you don't make him go on your trip. You pick a trip with him, or you go on the bucket list trip. And then vice versa with the other one next year.

But I think it is weird that you are married to this person and didn't figure this out before?


OP here. I guess I didn't think there was anything to "figure out". I've been talking about the trip forever. He never said he wouldn't want to go, so I assumed he would.


New poster. OP, please re-read your own post just above.

"He never said he wouldn't" is NOT the same as "He agreed to go." Do you not see that? Unless you and he had an intentional, focused talk about this bucket list trip, you were assuming he was coming along, and you did not check up on that assumption until you were about to buy tickets, which is far too late.

You and he seem to have a communication problem. He wasn't assertive about saying to you directly and clearly, and long ago, "I know you want to make that trip but it's not my thing and I don't plan to go." You weren't clear about the fact you thought he was coming, and you ran with an assumption rather than clarifying things. His not saying "I don't want to" when you talked up your trip is not equivalent to "I do want to go."

So be crystal clear now. Apologize for assuming things and tell him you will stop assuming about other decisions and plans from now on. Then say that since this has been something on your radar since before you were married, and you don't want to disappoint your daughter, you're still going to plan to go. But OP -- why can't you curtail the number of days or reduce the cost in any way? I'd try doing that, if it were feasible, and have two vacations this year, one for the big bucket list trip and one with him, just the two of you. I'm betting you'll say, "But it's to [somewhere very remote] and we can't go for less than 10 days, and need [guides, expensive accommodations, few flights go there] to make the trip so NO, I can't curb any part of it!" But have you tried?

Your concern about "if I don't go this year, it throws my personal 'big trip every other year' schedule off!" is way, way misplaced for someone who is now married. Do you really think you'll keep eveyrthing in your life and schedule just as it was prior to getting married? It's absolutely great for couples to have separate vacations, OP! I am not saying otherwise. But the where, the when, the expenses, the timing around other trips for both of you -- those now matter. Consider well if you're being less than flexible in other areas of your life, not just your rather rigid-sounding vacation schedule (and your determination to keep vacationing with extended family--would you really be happy to go if the shoe were on the other foot, and HE was telling YOU that his whole extended family was going to vacation with the two of you at a destination you really didn't want?).

After this vacation thing is discussed like adults and settled, consider some focused work on communications as a couple. Books, counseling, whatever. You don't want to end up resenting each other because neither of you could be clear about wants, expectations and flexibility.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:No. You go on your planned bucket list vacation. Anniversary trip waits till the following year. Or it's a weekend trip.


this
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Welcome to marriage.

Either he compromises or you do. But the fact that you are planning this huge bucket list trip, and that it’s been in the works for quite a while, and you had to ask him “you’re coming on this right?” Tells me you already have some problems communicating.

With this extended family trip fall on what is going to be your anniversary? Is that why he’s wanting to focus on an anniversary trip? Or is he just saying that if you take a trip this year it should be an anniversary trip? Because those are very different circumstances.


OP here. The trip would not fall on our anniversary. He just wants to spend the time and money on trips for the 2 of us only.


It doesn’t sound like you have been married long. Just go on your bucket trip as planned with your daughter. I would not put it on back burner for an anniversary unless he has a problem with you going. If he just doesn’t want to go and is fine with you going, I would go as planned.

I’m married with 3 kids and there are plenty of places DH doesn’t want to go. Sometimes I go with kids solo or my own friends and family. It is no big deal. Some years we go on a trip for our anniversary and other years we go out for dinner. Our anniversary trip has always been with the kids.
Anonymous
This shows how women think. In the end, OP is choosing between her husband or herself. Most husbands wouldn't even be ALLOWED TO GO on a vacation trip without their wives. Yet, wives always go on vacation trips without their husbands. LOL.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Of course you don't make him go on your trip. You pick a trip with him, or you go on the bucket list trip. And then vice versa with the other one next year.

But I think it is weird that you are married to this person and didn't figure this out before?


OP here. I guess I didn't think there was anything to "figure out". I've been talking about the trip forever. He never said he wouldn't want to go, so I assumed he would.


That's a weird assumption. I've been married 25 years and have never just unilaterally decided where our joint vacation would be.


OP here. Yes, going forward all vacation decisions would be made jointly, but I have been planning this trip 2 years before we got married and he KNEW about it. He never said a word about not wanting to go. Oh well.


Wow, red flag, sorry OP. I would go on trip with family and spend money as planned. Enjoy! Your description of him joining in sounds very stressful.




Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:This shows how women think. In the end, OP is choosing between her husband or herself. Most husbands wouldn't even be ALLOWED TO GO on a vacation trip without their wives. Yet, wives always go on vacation trips without their husbands. LOL.


Maybe in your household. DH has gone on a few golf related trips with friends (Ireland, Scotland, the Masters) with my full support.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Why can’t you go on this trip without him?


OP here. I could go without him. The trip would be about $12k and 10 days of vacation time. I would rather spend the money and vacations days together.


Seems odd.

Are you regretting getting married?

I would enjoy your last taste of freedom and moving forward plan trips together.

(He will never want to go to this place, so cross it off your bucket list while you have other willing travel companions all lined up.)
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