I insulted my therapist. Actually, a few of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay two thoughts here, OP, and this from someone whose done a lot of therapy with a bunch of different therapists, who have ranged from amazing/life changing, to solid, to meh, to horrible.

1) I have some simple, logical math for you: You literally have only three choices: a) you can move b) you can be miserable or c) you can figure out ways to be happy (or at least less miserable) where you are.

That’s it. No therapist has some secret fourth option. There’s no magic. You are currently choosing B. As long as you choose B, which includes deciding that both A and C are impossible (which of course is objectively false), you are stuck and no one, nothing can unstuck you. Therapy will be a waste of time and money until you’re willing to say “I am open to the possibility of either A or C, though they both seem super hard,” there’s not really a point to therapy and all therapists are going to disappoint you.

2) Your story as written is unlikely enough for me to feel confident you are not being factually inaccurate. Four bad therapists in a row is certainly possible (though unlikely). But four bad therapists in a row who are bad in the exact same way and are basically providing the same, nearly verbatim, bad response, of “I like living here and I don’t understand why you don’t?” No. Sorry, but I do not believe you. I do not, to be clear, think you are lying. I think you are deeply trapped in your triumphant unhappiness and are not actually listening to or internalizing what these therapists are actually saying. There are many different approaches, very reasonable ones, that I could see a therapist taking that you are interpreting this way. Things like “do you think anyone likes it here?” “No, no one could possibly like it here, it’s terrible” “well, I like it here - can you think of any reasons why someone might like it?”

Or

“Is there anything at all you like here?”

Or

“Why do you think people live here?”

Or

“Can you give me more specifics on what’s making you unhappy here?”

Or any one of a million CBT techniques designed to move you away from the black and white, distorted (yup - sorry to tell you nowhere is all good or all bad) thinking that you are trapped in. In other words, you’re coming in incredibly defensive, and you’re not listening or opening your mind at all (because, see above, you’ve decided B is your only option).

The point of therapy is to change your thought patterns, process and understand your emotions, and be open to new ways of looking at things. As long as you’re going in with “IM PERFECT, MY THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS ARE PERFECTLY RATIONAL ITS JUST THIS HORRIBLE PLACE” you’re wasting your time and money.

This is the best post you're going to receive on this OP.

[Anonymous]

I've never been to therapy, so I can't really help with that...at least directly,

However, I grew up as a military brat. My degree of happiness changed when my family moved. I was resistant to change. The family joke was that if I liked a place I got deathly ill BEFORE we moved. If I hated it, I got deathly ill when we got to the new place.

I hated high school. I cried every day of my senior year. I had LOVED junior high in a different place and was ecstatically happy in college. I went back to where I had gone to high school the summer after my first year of college and it was still awful and the people were still horrible. So, I buy the argument that sometimes it really IS the place.

So, I don't know if it's possible, but I'd suggest that you look for therapists who have experience dealing with military spouses because I think they'll have dealt with this issue before. Maybe the same is true of foreign service spouses? I don't know. I am just saying that it could help to find a therapist who has dealt with this issue multiple times.

Of course, in the military it's sometimes the case that the spouse doesn't like moving so often. But sometimes it isn't--it's just that one location just doesn't work.

It's just an idea. You may find some therapist who works near a major military base even if you have to do your own sessions by zoom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times do you need to repeat the exact reasons that you dislike a place? It's been 4 times already. Maybe you should start with "I think my depression is bc I can't make peace with where I live. I would like strategies to help me cope with x/y/z issues that i feel make me so miserable "

I do start out like that. They can't wrap their minds around it, so I give details, then they're offended. And now, I'm not being racist or anything. More things like the nearest airport being hours away, the lack of availability of my hobbies, the insularity of the locals, etc.

You’re not being racist???

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times do you need to repeat the exact reasons that you dislike a place? It's been 4 times already. Maybe you should start with "I think my depression is bc I can't make peace with where I live. I would like strategies to help me cope with x/y/z issues that i feel make me so miserable "

I do start out like that. They can't wrap their minds around it, so I give details, then they're offended. And now, I'm not being racist or anything. More things like the nearest airport being hours away, the lack of availability of my hobbies, the insularity of the locals, etc.

You’re not being racist???

Troll.

Why did OP include that she wasn't racist? Racism was not in my mind at all when I read her complaint.

[Anonymous]

I get you, OP. I lived in a place I hated for 10 years. It was very, very hot most of the year and all my hobbies are outdoors. I like mountains, it was beach. Everyone else loved it and could not understand why I hated every minute of it. Maybe try taking more holidays? Or looking around for a hobby you can do there - like local art?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times do you need to repeat the exact reasons that you dislike a place? It's been 4 times already. Maybe you should start with "I think my depression is bc I can't make peace with where I live. I would like strategies to help me cope with x/y/z issues that i feel make me so miserable "

I do start out like that. They can't wrap their minds around it, so I give details, then they're offended. And now, I'm not being racist or anything. More things like the nearest airport being hours away, the lack of availability of my hobbies, the insularity of the locals, etc.

You’re not being racist???

Troll.

Why did OP include that she wasn't racist? Racism was not in my mind at all when I read her complaint.

'

You've never lived anywhere you hated, that's why. She's probably in some small African country or some outpost in the Middle East. When she says she hates it, they probably immediately think she's racist.

[Anonymous]

I was compelled to move to a place I hate, and my new therapist was understanding and compassionate when I talked about how much I don’t like it and how I long for the day when I can leave. At the beginning I kept saying “no offense” and “sorry,” and she kept reassuring me she wasn’t offended. It made me think she’s secure enough not to care about my opinion of where she lives, because she likes it.

OP, were you super abrasive with your wording? I can’t understand why a therapist would think responding with a defensive challenge to your opinion was the correct therapeutic move. That sounds like a bad therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was compelled to move to a place I hate, and my new therapist was understanding and compassionate when I talked about how much I don’t like it and how I long for the day when I can leave. At the beginning I kept saying “no offense” and “sorry,” and she kept reassuring me she wasn’t offended. It made me think she’s secure enough not to care about my opinion of where she lives, because she likes it.

OP, were you super abrasive with your wording? I can’t understand why a therapist would think responding with a defensive challenge to your opinion was the correct therapeutic move. That sounds like a bad therapist.

But when it happens with multiple therapists, you've got to think OP is indeed perseverating on the issue.

[Anonymous]

OP I am a trailing spouse who has lived away from my country of origin for 15+yrs so I get you. I lived in Bethesda for nearly 10 years and hated that. I've lived in CA for over 5 yrs and also hated it.

You have to move / gain a hobby that 100% occupies your time / find a rewarding job.

Honestly these are the only answer. Therapists are idiots and have zero perspective on this.

[Anonymous]

Are you in Wisconsin? The people are very insular there.

[Anonymous]

Only you can dictate your happiness. It’s kind over matter. Choose to make the best of it or wallow in negativity. It’s totally up to you.

Start each day with “I’m lucky to be alive! What can I do today to have fun? What can I do to help someone? What can I learn or experience for the first time?”

Shift your attitude.

And stop whining. You are the common denominator in multiple bad interactions with therapists. Like a pp said, therapists aren’t magicians; there are only a few options in your situation and all of them come down to your attitude. You don’t need therapy or medication…you just need an attitude adjustment.

Lastly, and with respect: nobody likes a whiner. Slap a smile on your face and enjoy your day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care about insulting them? Their feelings are irrelevant. Either you get what you need out of them or try somebody else online. Stop being so accomodating and nice. It is obviously not working for you.

A defensive therapist is of no use to anyone.

+1 You're not there to talk about their opinions/feelings, and they shouldn't be centering themselves that way.

Find a better therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times do you need to repeat the exact reasons that you dislike a place? It's been 4 times already. Maybe you should start with "I think my depression is bc I can't make peace with where I live. I would like strategies to help me cope with x/y/z issues that i feel make me so miserable "

I do start out like that. They can't wrap their minds around it, so I give details, then they're offended. And now, I'm not being racist or anything. More things like the nearest airport being hours away, the lack of availability of my hobbies, the insularity of the locals, etc.

You’re not being racist???

Troll.

Why did OP include that she wasn't racist? Racism was not in my mind at all when I read her complaint.

I think I understand what she’s saying. She moved to a place in the deep south, and a lot of her complaints are things that her Black neighbors do, if she’s being honest. But it’s not the fact that they’re Black that’s upsetting her. It’s the fact that they are so Southern! (I say as a Southerner!)

Are you in Mississippi? Louisiana? Alabama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only you can dictate your happiness. It’s kind over matter. Choose to make the best of it or wallow in negativity. It’s totally up to you.

Start each day with “I’m lucky to be alive! What can I do today to have fun? What can I do to help someone? What can I learn or experience for the first time?”

Shift your attitude.

And stop whining. You are the common denominator in multiple bad interactions with therapists. Like a pp said, therapists aren’t magicians; there are only a few options in your situation and all of them come down to your attitude. You don’t need therapy or medication…you just need an attitude adjustment.

Lastly, and with respect: nobody likes a whiner. Slap a smile on your face and enjoy your day.

Barf to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am a trailing spouse who has lived away from my country of origin for 15+yrs so I get you. I lived in Bethesda for nearly 10 years and hated that. I've lived in CA for over 5 yrs and also hated it.

You have to move / gain a hobby that 100% occupies your time / find a rewarding job.

Honestly these are the only answer. Therapists are idiots and have zero perspective on this.

Something tells me that OP is somewhere much worse than Bethesda!