Extreme, debilitating regret in midlife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had a dear friend go through this for several years in mid-life. In her case, I think there is an element of OCD-like, unproductive thinking that has finally been helped with a mediation change and a good treating psychiatrist. The thing that frustrates me is her lack of action to change things she doesn't like about her life. I her case she regrets not finding a life partner and complains about being lonely, but she does little about it. If you're lonely, join 6 groups- A church choir; a regular volunteer organization, Sierra Club hiking group, a book club etc. They won't all pan out, but start building out avenues that might just lead you to build real connections you desire. Paralyzing regret and wishing you'd taken another path is non-productive. Decide what can help move you toward a more positive direction and MOVE TOWARD IT.

I wonder what role your obvious judgment and criticism of your friend plays in her paralysis. Not that you need fix her life but that in my experience people who think like you about others who are struggling are not good people to be around when you are trying to figure out how to fix things. Your impatience and the belief that if the other person "would just do XYZ" (XYZ is always some pithy solution you came up with like "join 6 groups") then their problems would be solved.

The something I had to do in order to create momentum in my life was get people like you OUT of my life so that I could figure out what I wanted to do without constantly being told that the choices I was making or the things I was feeling were simply wrong.

[Anonymous]

a lot of folks get fixated on well-worn paths that others have taken as what they "should" be doing, or think that because they didn't start X or Y by some arbitrary time that even trying is worthless.

it turns out that a lot of the benefit in doing any particular thing comes in the practice itself. So you may never become an olympic runner-- it turns out moving your body and building strength is good for you, no matter how many $0.30 ribbons you do or do not collect.

You may not have met your life partner in your 20s or 30s, but you still may meet them. You might not have a child, but you still could have one. (I'm 50, with a three year old, and it's lovely. No regrets on having them when I did, I appreciate them on a whole different level than I could have when I was 25 or 35.) I went back and finished college when i was in my late 30s.

anyway. it sounds like most of the things you are unhappy about are within your power to change, and a lot of what needs changing is perspective, and some might be biochemical. I'd definitely recommend getting bloodwork, hormone checkup. 40 is also prime time for perimenopause and thyroid issues, which can contribute to debilitating regret/anxiety/etc.