How important are date nights to sustaining a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the people entirely. My parents never had date nights. Nor did my grandparents

Mine did. Every Friday my mom went down to meet my dad at his office downtown and then they spent the night at a hotel. We stayed with my mom’s coworker’s mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a husband they are stupid and irritating.

As a husband I completely disagree

[Anonymous]

Date nights are not important. But finding ways to stay connected and genuinely liking each other is important. Date night is one way to achieve the ultimate goal.

[Anonymous]

Sharing new experiences keeps the bond alive.

Dates could be getting coffee/tea at a new shop.

A walk around a lake you haven’t been before.

Concerts.

Plays.

Making dinners together using new recipes.

Anything that includes novelty that you do together.

[Anonymous]

We do a lot of daytime dates taking advantage of school and WFH so we don't have to spend a fortune on babysitters. Also we prioritize time together after the kids go to bed.

I have friends who insist on the weekly date night but they often have jobs that keep them apart all week -- in office and often even travel and late nights as well. They also seem to have more individual hobbies and commitments that keep them apart in the evening. Not a criticism just noting that I think this is why some couples find them essential. Whereas my DH and have two days a week where we WFH together and usually grab lunch together on those days plus occasionally use vacation time to do a daytime movie or other activity during the week plus also spend most evenings together. A date night on top of that is superfluous and an unnecessary expense.

When we go out it is usually one at a time with other people -- drinks with friends or coworkers. We only hire sitters so we can do that a few times a year or if our parents visit we can get away.

I don't think either of us view it as a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to have date nights when we have young kids and are both working full-time, but we do spend a lot of time as a family. Is that enough for the long haul?

We had date nights every weeks. We are now divorced. So, date nights don’t matter. If you love each other, with or without date nights you’ll be fine. If you don’t love each other, date nights won’t save your marriage.

[Anonymous]

When our children were young I don’t recall us ever having a date night. On weekends we’d often do things with friends but that was about it. With two careers and three kids going out for a weeknight date would have just added to the stress. While stressful, we had a very happy home life and plenty of sex so my husband didn’t need to wine and dine me to get lucky.

[Anonymous]

A nice date night would cost at least $200-250 including a sitter and we live on a pretty tight budget so I’d probably feel guilty. We don’t need a date night to connect and I just need a heads up in the morning that my husband would like to fool around that night.

[Anonymous]

When the kids were young, we had no money for date nights. We did a lot as a family. As kids got older (different sports), and had different interests, we did less together every weekend, but still were all together for some family fun at least once per weekend. Older teens, forget it, they want nothing to do with you (except when they want you to pay for something pricey).

Kids off to college now and we are back to dating life, co certs, walks along the canal, theater, spontaneous weekend trips (Annapolis, Pittsburgh, Boston, Chicago). Life is grand!

[Anonymous]

We couldn’t afford it when our kids were young but I never felt the need to connect that way. Now as empty nesters we’ll dine out once a week or so because we can afford to and it’s nice to not have to plan and cook dinner. A date night is a nice break but it’s not the solution to a troubled marriage. If I’m unhappy with my husband the last thing I want to do is sit across the table from him for 90 minutes. Finally, I don’t need to be wined and dined to get me in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Date nights are not going to offset other issues in a marriage, like unequal distribution of housework, childcare and money. It's a break not an antidote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date nights are not going to offset other issues in a marriage, like unequal distribution of housework, childcare and money. It's a break not an antidote.

Exactly.

Also agree with the post that the important thing is to make time for each other, listen to each other.


So OP, if your spouse is saying they need a date night, it's not a wise response to say we don't have time for it and crowsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the people entirely. My parents never had date nights. Nor did my grandparents

Why did they tell you this? Were they mocking you and your spouse for having one?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think “date night” is important, but alone time is. It could be a walk or bike ride or whatever. But nighttime isn’t when I want to go do something and the logistics can be harder. We tend to go for walks after the kids leave for school, and before we have to start working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a husband they are stupid and irritating.

As a wife, I’ve always disliked that term. It just sounds cutesy and forced.

Definitely important to carve out time for yourselves as a couple and most of all it’s important to have a relationship where you respect each other, treat each other respectfully and don’t build up resentments. “Date nights” aren’t going to fix problematic relationships.