Do I die on this hill?

[Anonymous]

OP, my kid is younger than yours (7) and used to need the same variation on a bedtime story told every night in a very specific way (but he would come up with a few variables I had to interchange). And this would sometimes be after an exhausting bedtime routine. So I get why sometimes when the night has gone awry you want the option to say it’s late, we can do a story tomorrow.

What finally worked for me are a couple things:

If I knew we were off schedule or I was tired, I’d give an option of we can finish doing X (like watching the movie that was going longer than I realized) or go to bed now and do your story. This didn’t work at first because he’d want both, but as he got older, we’ve been better able to negotiate.

Second, he has gotten into doodling/journaling on his own. Having something he enjoys doing once I leave the room has helped with the stall tactics to keep me in there to go through some exhausting story routine.

Also I try to incorporate reading books into other parts of the day. Yes reading is important, but I don’t think it has to be at bedtime when everyone is exhausted.

[Anonymous]

You do not die on that hill. Give the kid his story. Bedtime routines are important. You are the one who needs to change by giving your child consistency, including a regular bedtime that you rarely deviate from. Children need consistency or it throws them off, ADHD or no ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - he doesn’t want to be read to (that would be easy) he wants a full made up story. Even if we went somewhere and get home super late

Use AI like ChatGPT to make up bedtime stories. Then you don’t have to strain to come up with a new story on your own.

[Anonymous]

Story time can be “earned” by being ready on time. You can coach. Give 10 and 5 minute warnings. Act like the deadline for story time is not under your control. Natural consequences = no time for story.
“Oh no, we don’t have time for a story! That’s very sad. Let’s hope we can have a story next bedtime. What can we work on?”

[Anonymous]

Or tell a really bad story if kid isn’t ready on time.

[Anonymous]

Could you tape yourself telling a few favorites and he could listen to them some nights?

Can the other parent do this some nights?

FWIW my inattentive ADHD 12 year old girl still wants to be read to every night. It is exhausting. We don’t have the ASD piece so she can insist on tapping out some nights. But she is still upset about it. I actually find it sort of fascinating. I don’t think virtually any 1980s parents were “doing bedtime” for middle schoolers. But maybe I’m wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op - these are all good ideas!
I actually did the shared story last night after writing this post bc I felt awfully guilty about saying no. i wish i weren't so exhausted by bedtime and could just deal

I feel for you. But remember that he's exhausted too and can't deal. Find something that works for both of you, but don't expect more from him than he has to give.

Yeah... I would turn that around. The kid can't expect more from the parent than they have to give, after giving so much every damm day since birth.

My autistic kid is 19. We made major sacrifices for him. He had to learn to accept our limitations. Respect is a two way street.

[Anonymous]

Crazy idea but would Mad Libs work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crazy idea but would Mad Libs work?

Nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid does this but it's not because he wants THE STORY, it's because he wants me as white noise. It's his way of self-soothing in a transition. He pays no attention to the plot and he couldn't say what's happening in the story if I asked. I usually read a bit then leave the room when he's halfway out. If he says something I say I'm going to the bathroom and will be right back, which is, of course, not true.

Pro tip: make a recording of you reading.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Also, wouldn’t Alexa be nice? Or any other app? Nope, doesn’t meet his standards.

[Anonymous]

I miss storytime/cuddle time now that my AuDHD child is 13 and no longer wants others in their room at all... But I do remember how it could feel exhausting. For made up stories when I didn't have energy I did sometimes use movie plots. My child probably knows many Hallmark Christmas movie plots without knowing that's what they were, since I made it about being friends (not romance) and varied genders and mixed in animal species. Basically they're the same plot anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crazy idea but would Mad Libs work?

OP should be moving DC toward a solution that doesn't involve parents at all (like listening to audiobook or reading to themselves), not sure that mad libs is really a step in that direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Story time can be “earned” by being ready on time. You can coach. Give 10 and 5 minute warnings. Act like the deadline for story time is not under your control. Natural consequences = no time for story.
“Oh no, we don’t have time for a story! That’s very sad. Let’s hope we can have a story next bedtime. What can we work on?”

I think helping him improve the efficiency of the bedtime routine is a great idea—maybe with a checklist. I really hate the idea, though, of having him “earn” anything that is helping him regulate his neurological system. And I suspect that a bedtime routine that includes a story is part of that. I agree with those who have proposed listening to a story on cd or a bedtime story podcast. It can accomplish the same calming. Just plop your phone on his nightstand and come back and get it when you’re able. This would be the extent of the flexibility I’d expect at the end of the day for a child with these issues.

Also—maybe this doesn’t apply but maybe it does—it’s not ok to expect flexibility of those around us just because we can’t get our acts together. If the reason you don’t have time to read at bedtime is related to your own lack of organization, then address that.

[Anonymous]

When I'm really tired, I ask DS to read to me instead, and give him the option to skip/postpone or read. Don't know if that's an option with your DS? Does it also help if you talk about it earlier that day? Like, "DS, tonight we're going to XX and will be home late. What should we do about bedtime reading? Can we read in the car on way home? Can we read earlier in the day, or first thing tomorrow morning?" Again, not sure how well your DS does with planning, but that's a strategy for kids who want to know what to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Story time can be “earned” by being ready on time. You can coach. Give 10 and 5 minute warnings. Act like the deadline for story time is not under your control. Natural consequences = no time for story.
“Oh no, we don’t have time for a story! That’s very sad. Let’s hope we can have a story next bedtime. What can we work on?”

I think helping him improve the efficiency of the bedtime routine is a great idea—maybe with a checklist. I really hate the idea, though, of having him “earn” anything that is helping him regulate his neurological system. And I suspect that a bedtime routine that includes a story is part of that. I agree with those who have proposed listening to a story on cd or a bedtime story podcast. It can accomplish the same calming. Just plop your phone on his nightstand and come back and get it when you’re able. This would be the extent of the flexibility I’d expect at the end of the day for a child with these issues.

Also—maybe this doesn’t apply but maybe it does—it’s not ok to expect flexibility of those around us just because we can’t get our acts together. If the reason you don’t have time to read at bedtime is related to your own lack of organization, then address that.

op- it's not. It's just sometimes too late. sometimes he might have had a late soccer game, or there's been an event. or we've flown somewhere. I can't always control for everything and i wasn't sure it was serving him to keep to this routine no matter what the circs. sometimes we have to learn flexibility right? but he is also a kid who wants a story so... tricky.