Check on Son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean go and show up without telling him you’re coming? No, I wouldn’t do that. You need to communicate that you are there for him, you know he can handle the pressure of finals, but if he wants you to come to him to take him out for a meal, you’re happy to do so.

But if you panic, you’re sending him the message that this is a huge deal, that he clearly cant handle tough situations. That crying is worth needing rescue. Be there for him; offer support, but don’t rush to rescue unless he actually talks about suicide or suicidal ideation or displays other mental health issues. Being stressed out and crying is not a mental health crisis.

He’s 18 not 5. You don’t have to worry about “sending a message.”

I would definitely go but let him know I am coming. If he refuses then I’d back off. But dropping in for dinner to encourage your kid? Of course.

[Anonymous]

Why not just send a card and a free meal delivery and give him something to look forward to maybe after tests. Why would he want to take more time out before exams?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look kids falter and have mental breaks with stress whether it is in the military or school. I have a family member who sees this in law students. We have seen this in the news. Ask your kid how you can help. Maybe needs to vent on the phone. I like the idea of sending food vouchers. Let them know they can likely take an incomplete in a class (es), look up the schools policies. Seek out mental health center on campus. Look up policies for taking an incomplete. Help them think through options. Let them know they will be okay and you will support them.

+1 This. Try to get specific info from your son so you can assist him. Try to withhold judgment if he tells you he has procrastinated and has papers due. Let him know he is loved and his mental and physical well-being trumps all.

[Anonymous]

You are the parent and can judge how out of character. That you are thinking this through sounds like you are not the type to race to the rescue. So, if you feel there is something going on, so much so that you panicked when he hung up, I would probably go.

[Anonymous]

At 19 I was finishing my nursing school finals. I had seen dead and mangled bodies from auto crashes and helped deliver babies in the parking lot of the ER.

No, my mama did not come unannounced -- or at all-- the first time i called her and cried because I had seen a young man lose both his hands in a construction accident. She did however encourage me to cry and process it. And to call an back an hour later and do it again.

OP. Please let your son grow up. Let him call and talk and call and talk. Even if you do most of the talking. He just wants to hear your voice, like I wanted to hear my mom's voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 19 I was finishing my nursing school finals. I had seen dead and mangled bodies from auto crashes and helped deliver babies in the parking lot of the ER.

No, my mama did not come unannounced -- or at all-- the first time i called her and cried because I had seen a young man lose both his hands in a construction accident. She did however encourage me to cry and process it. And to call an back an hour later and do it again.

OP. Please let your son grow up. Let him call and talk and call and talk. Even if you do most of the talking. He just wants to hear your voice, like I wanted to hear my mom's voice.

This.

Thi kid is stressed during finals. Weren’t we all? He needs to learn to work through this himself. It’s a valuable skill.

He’s in college. The coddling has to stop.

[Anonymous]

OP! you've gone silent. Don't make us worry.
Report back!

[Anonymous]

Get in the car and go. I was in a similar position during freshman finals. My roommate was a disaster, sleeping w/ her boyfriend in our shared room, screaming at all hours and then threatening suicide. It was all too much for me to handle but I kept a lot of it in b/c I was trying to focus on exams and getting through the year. I called my mom in a similar panic but didn't give a lot of details. She hopped on a flight and giving her a big hug made it all better. I never would have asked her to come, but it was exactly what I needed. I ended up staying in her hotel room for a night or two, too. She wasn't at all overprotective, and I wasn't clingy or needy, but that was exactly what I needed at that point. If you can get there, you will have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

OMG the snowflakes!

These kids will be sleeping in their childhood bedroom when they are 32.

At 18 I was saving for a down payment on a house by running my own business. When I lost my key client I did not call and whine to my mommy. I doubled down and opened up my 2nd location at 20. Bought that house at 24 and paid it off by 30.

Treating an adult having a tough time like an 8-year old -- we live in different universes. Call and give the kid some study pointers and then let him tell how it all worked out.

May be he is too immature for college at this age. Nothing wrong with a gap year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get in the car and go. I was in a similar position during freshman finals. My roommate was a disaster, sleeping w/ her boyfriend in our shared room, screaming at all hours and then threatening suicide. It was all too much for me to handle but I kept a lot of it in b/c I was trying to focus on exams and getting through the year. I called my mom in a similar panic but didn't give a lot of details. She hopped on a flight and giving her a big hug made it all better. I never would have asked her to come, but it was exactly what I needed. I ended up staying in her hotel room for a night or two, too. She wasn't at all overprotective, and I wasn't clingy or needy, but that was exactly what I needed at that point. If you can get there, you will have no regrets.

There can absolutely be regrets from sending her son the message that she will overreact if he confides her or that she doesn’t think he can handle things.

[Anonymous]

Agree on the gap year. Or a year or two at community college until he matures .

OP, you son is probably smart enough for college. But he is not mature enough. There's a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean go and show up without telling him you’re coming? No, I wouldn’t do that. You need to communicate that you are there for him, you know he can handle the pressure of finals, but if he wants you to come to him to take him out for a meal, you’re happy to do so.

But if you panic, you’re sending him the message that this is a huge deal, that he clearly cant handle tough situations. That crying is worth needing rescue. Be there for him; offer support, but don’t rush to rescue unless he actually talks about suicide or suicidal ideation or displays other mental health issues. Being stressed out and crying is not a mental health crisis.

He’s 18 not 5. You don’t have to worry about “sending a message.”

I would definitely go but let him know I am coming. If he refuses then I’d back off. But dropping in for dinner to encourage your kid? Of course.

I said that in my pp “if he wants you to come to him to take him out for a meal, you’re happy to do so.” But the drop everything to go no matter what posters are over the top. And I’m sorry, but it is sending a message if mom surprises her 18 year old without asking if he even wants her there. You can be there for your kid without actually being there.

Ask any college professor who has been in it for a long time—college students are not coping well. Helicopter parenting has to be part of it.

[Anonymous]

Call and check in again. Say your “mom heart” always hurts when her kids are stressed and see how things are today. Offer to come visit and be a diversion. That gives him space to accept or decline.

I’ve been reading others responses, and I see both sides. I’m not usually one to coddle
my kids and am a firm believer in giving them space to grow, including facing bumps. But I’m also a caring person, and I was thinking how I would respond if it was a close friend calling uncharacteristically upset. Would I tell her to buck up and pull herself together or would I offer support? I know I would offer to help in any way I could. Why wouldn’t we do that (and more) for our kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds somewhat similar to a friend’s dd. She was overwhelmed with end of semester deadlines ( and had procrastinated on much). However, my friend had family nearby so went and spent a few days just basically going thru all class deadlines, helping organize, and knocking down deadlines one by one.

My dh and I discussed how are parents would have never done that, with one child we never needed to, but our youngest gets a bit of this. However, they are studying abroad so we can’t just “ go” but we support over the phone.

My attitude has softened. Yes, if they are truly messing up they should pay the consequences. But, if they have anxiety, the overwhelmed type, then maybe just offer to go, be the structure - just don’t do the work!

Wishing your ds well.

There's visiting briefly to provide emotional support . . . and then there's this. I can't believe you told this story with a positive spin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know your kid. We certainly don’t.

This was my thought. You know your kid best. And trust your gut.