Private school switch for DD’s friend

[Anonymous]

I don’t see the problem. She’s 8. She doesn’t understand what’s acceptable to say and not say yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could tell her that you don’t entrust Catholics with your children’s well-being and see how the parents like that…

I’m not serious but it’s baffling to me that parents can feel high and mighty about a choice like that. It may be a superior education in certain ways but there’s a moral price to pay for everyone involved after decades of systematic child abuse

No there isn’t. Not any more than there’s a moral price to pay for us as Americans to underwrite the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people through our disastrous foreign policies, anbsurd annd ill advised interventions and failed wars! We stay in this country and try to fix it from the inside out and be proud Americans advocating for our country to live up to its promise the SAME WAY we do as Catholics, staying in our faith and church and fixing it from the inside, following the way of God, not as aiding and abetting the evil crimes of the past but as restoration and rebuilding, to a better day to live up to its promise of greatness and guidance. The catholic education is amazing and vastly superior to public. And we would indeed send our kids to one if we weren’t in such a spectacular public school district where our kids are extremely happy and flourishing (Wootton cluster, MCPS).

The "spectacular", "happy and flourishing" Wooton cluster reference is funny to me. When I was in 8th grade, in gym class outside at Robert Frost, a group of mean girls that I barely knew started taunting me out of boredom. I called one of them a name and she punched me in the face. The puncher and instigator got suspended. I moved away a few months later. 5 years later I ran into someone from Wooton and asked her what happened to the bullies. Here's the punchline. This person told me that the instigator had transferred to Catholic school. And...I was pretty sure she was Jewish. So...that made for some interesting sociological speculation. Back to...the best school depends on the student as well as the school. I'm permanently bitter about my 1.5 years in MCPS in the Wooton Cluster. Those years were the low point of my entire education from K-Master's Degree. I was just not ready to swim with the sharks.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

+1. You just need distance. When people say that their private is "better" what they actually mean is that their private school's (equally qualified but no smarter than public school) teachers do not have to deal with IEPs or poor kids. Which is it true. They don't. People will never say this is why they went private, but that is the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

Yes. You need distance from them. They are toxic. But also please understand that the educational philosophy trends/legal requirements to mainstream kids with IEPs and various issues, diagnoses, etc. does impact the NT kids. I have bitten my tongue many times in the name of equity, but I actually agree that the non-NT kids are often holding back class progress and the ones with overt behaviors create classroom disruptions that would not have been tolerated in my childhood public schools. I can speak to distinct shortfalls in my kids' learning in certain years because their classes got behind due to class disruptors who could not work at the same pace. And the NT kids do become cynical about the other students and their accommodations. I wish it was a situation of familiarity breeds tolerance but sadly it seems to be contempt instead.

I almost never say anything to anybody because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (especially little kids'). But the status quo is quite frustrating. I understand now why people do try to move to the "best" school districts. But I'm still hoping to raise kids who are patient, tolerant, and not snobs. So I continue to wrestle with my snap judgments and hope that the temporary disadvantages my kids experience will somehow be outweighed by being forced to understand the reality of society and humanity instead of being in a more homogenous bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

Yes. You need distance from them. They are toxic. But also please understand that the educational philosophy trends/legal requirements to mainstream kids with IEPs and various issues, diagnoses, etc. does impact the NT kids. I have bitten my tongue many times in the name of equity, but I actually agree that the non-NT kids are often holding back class progress and the ones with overt behaviors create classroom disruptions that would not have been tolerated in my childhood public schools. I can speak to distinct shortfalls in my kids' learning in certain years because their classes got behind due to class disruptors who could not work at the same pace. And the NT kids do become cynical about the other students and their accommodations. I wish it was a situation of familiarity breeds tolerance but sadly it seems to be contempt instead.

I almost never say anything to anybody because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (especially little kids'). But the status quo is quite frustrating. I understand now why people do try to move to the "best" school districts. But I'm still hoping to raise kids who are patient, tolerant, and not snobs. So I continue to wrestle with my snap judgments and hope that the temporary disadvantages my kids experience will somehow be outweighed by being forced to understand the reality of society and humanity instead of being in a more homogenous bubble.

Op here. I appreciate your perspective but of course I know it impacts the NT kids. His sister is one of them! Thank you for not saying it out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

Yes. You need distance from them. They are toxic. But also please understand that the educational philosophy trends/legal requirements to mainstream kids with IEPs and various issues, diagnoses, etc. does impact the NT kids. I have bitten my tongue many times in the name of equity, but I actually agree that the non-NT kids are often holding back class progress and the ones with overt behaviors create classroom disruptions that would not have been tolerated in my childhood public schools. I can speak to distinct shortfalls in my kids' learning in certain years because their classes got behind due to class disruptors who could not work at the same pace. And the NT kids do become cynical about the other students and their accommodations. I wish it was a situation of familiarity breeds tolerance but sadly it seems to be contempt instead.

I almost never say anything to anybody because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (especially little kids'). But the status quo is quite frustrating. I understand now why people do try to move to the "best" school districts. But I'm still hoping to raise kids who are patient, tolerant, and not snobs. So I continue to wrestle with my snap judgments and hope that the temporary disadvantages my kids experience will somehow be outweighed by being forced to understand the reality of society and humanity instead of being in a more homogenous bubble.

DP here. While I agree with what you are saying in general, I disagree with the bold. If anything SN parents seek out the "best" public school districts even more than typical parents and higher income kids are more likely to be identified and have maximum services. So this is one area where I feel that "better" school districts bear a disproportionate burden. I say this as a parent and school employee in a "good" school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a cohort of kids who leave our public after 8th grade to go to a mediocre Catholic HS. It is 100% for sports and to avoid poor brown kids. And I tell my own kids that is EXACTLY the reason their friends are leaving. It is objectively not a better school, has fewer AP options, and doesn't send its graduates to any better colleges.

Lmao. Whatever helps you sleep well.

+1 way to make kids think hateful things that aren't true. Why would anyone spread such nasty rumors?

It is true and its not rumors. I just say the quiet part out loud to my kids. The parents who are leaving admit this is why they are leaving. Many of them are not even Catholic. And its totally predictable which families will leave and which ones will stay.

Yep. It is true in a lot of places. The only meaningful difference between our elementary and our feeder middle school is that more black and brown kids from other parts of town go to the middle school. Some people have said openly racist things to me that indicate that’s the reason they leave when middle school hits, others hem and haw and get flustered. And yes, I know there are people who leave public for good reason, but there are a lot who just don’t like the demographics. Let’s be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

Yes. You need distance from them. They are toxic. But also please understand that the educational philosophy trends/legal requirements to mainstream kids with IEPs and various issues, diagnoses, etc. does impact the NT kids. I have bitten my tongue many times in the name of equity, but I actually agree that the non-NT kids are often holding back class progress and the ones with overt behaviors create classroom disruptions that would not have been tolerated in my childhood public schools. I can speak to distinct shortfalls in my kids' learning in certain years because their classes got behind due to class disruptors who could not work at the same pace. And the NT kids do become cynical about the other students and their accommodations. I wish it was a situation of familiarity breeds tolerance but sadly it seems to be contempt instead.

I almost never say anything to anybody because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (especially little kids'). But the status quo is quite frustrating. I understand now why people do try to move to the "best" school districts. But I'm still hoping to raise kids who are patient, tolerant, and not snobs. So I continue to wrestle with my snap judgments and hope that the temporary disadvantages my kids experience will somehow be outweighed by being forced to understand the reality of society and humanity instead of being in a more homogenous bubble.

Op here. I appreciate your perspective but of course I know it impacts the NT kids. His sister is one of them! Thank you for not saying it out loud.

In public school, we have large class sizes and have to fight for the attention of the teacher. At our school, the ESOL kids and SpEd kids get grouped together so push in support can be best used. It is a very common complaint from parents in general that their kids are neglected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is changing schools, which is HARD. Her parents had to sell her on the idea. Also, obviously they believe it’s a better school and she’ll get a better education. That’s why they are having her change schools. The part about your daughter changing schools too if she had the money is probably an 8 year old’s twist on what her parents told her in response to her asking, “if the new school is better, why can’t all my friends come with me?” Let is go, OP. And have some empathy.

+1 This is exactly what happened.
I moved my son to Catholic school in 2nd grade. He was very upset about having to switch schools so I had to sell it! And he wanted to know if the school was so good, why aren't his friends going there? Because it costs money. I told him not to talk about it with his old friends and I hope he wasn't that insensitive but children aren't exactly tactful.

You have to sell it by disparaging others? Some values you’re teaching your kids.

Well, it's the truth. The parents do feel that it's a better education that is worth the money (debatable) and that other parents would do the same if they had the resources (dubious--I haven't been impressed with the DMV Catholic private schools I've seen where I would send my kids for free, let alone pay money for them). Little Larla is just repeating what her parents say/think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a cohort of kids who leave our public after 8th grade to go to a mediocre Catholic HS. It is 100% for sports and to avoid poor brown kids. And I tell my own kids that is EXACTLY the reason their friends are leaving. It is objectively not a better school, has fewer AP options, and doesn't send its graduates to any better colleges.

Lmao. Whatever helps you sleep well.

+1 way to make kids think hateful things that aren't true. Why would anyone spread such nasty rumors?

It is true and its not rumors. I just say the quiet part out loud to my kids. The parents who are leaving admit this is why they are leaving. Many of them are not even Catholic. And its totally predictable which families will leave and which ones will stay.

Yep. It is true in a lot of places. The only meaningful difference between our elementary and our feeder middle school is that more black and brown kids from other parts of town go to the middle school. Some people have said openly racist things to me that indicate that’s the reason they leave when middle school hits, others hem and haw and get flustered. And yes, I know there are people who leave public for good reason, but there are a lot who just don’t like the demographics. Let’s be honest.

+1 The math and science instruction at some of these Catholic private schools is very poor. But some people want to be around their "own kind".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a cohort of kids who leave our public after 8th grade to go to a mediocre Catholic HS. It is 100% for sports and to avoid poor brown kids. And I tell my own kids that is EXACTLY the reason their friends are leaving. It is objectively not a better school, has fewer AP options, and doesn't send its graduates to any better colleges.

Lmao. Whatever helps you sleep well.

+1 way to make kids think hateful things that aren't true. Why would anyone spread such nasty rumors?

It is true and its not rumors. I just say the quiet part out loud to my kids. The parents who are leaving admit this is why they are leaving. Many of them are not even Catholic. And its totally predictable which families will leave and which ones will stay.

Yep. It is true in a lot of places. The only meaningful difference between our elementary and our feeder middle school is that more black and brown kids from other parts of town go to the middle school. Some people have said openly racist things to me that indicate that’s the reason they leave when middle school hits, others hem and haw and get flustered. And yes, I know there are people who leave public for good reason, but there are a lot who just don’t like the demographics. Let’s be honest.

Yep. We live in Fort Hunt and there is this dynamic big time when people hit Carl Sandburg, especially the Waynewood people who are used to a very white school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh meh. I'd tell your DD that this is just their opinion, they're entitled to it, but you disagree. I'd explain that families make decisions about where to spend money and that's a choice as well. Tell her that her school is fine but that friend's parents are allowed to believe this other school will be better for friend for whatever reason.

+1. I could see how you and your daughter would be hurt by this…lots to unpack. However, as a parent of three children I can attest that I occasionally say things to my kids thinking they will know not to repeat what I told them (I sometimes say explicitly, “I wouldn’t say this to Larla..”) and then realize after the fact they repeated what I told them. If you call the parents they will probably be mortified. They were probably explaining their reasoning to their daughter and that was the simplest way to explain their reasoning. I doubt it was malicious.

This could be an opportunity for you to share with your daughter that people can have different views on things and still be friends. My kids are all in private and have very good friends in public. It’s good for everyone - having friends outside of school can be really beneficial. I would try to nurture the friendship if you like the girl and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

+1. You just need distance. When people say that their private is "better" what they actually mean is that their private school's (equally qualified but no smarter than public school) teachers do not have to deal with IEPs or poor kids. Which is it true. They don't. People will never say this is why they went private, but that is the reason.

+2 They don't sound like good people. What kind of dad tells their eight-year old that they are doing private school to get away from kids with special needs? That is clearly what they are trying to do, but they should at least recognize how obnoxious that sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely not going to say slanting to the parents. The mom is not the type to be open to any kind of non positive feedback about her kids anyway. I do think it sucks that this kid is talking about this in a way that is very upsetting to my kid. I am probably taking this a little personally because the dad has told DH part of their reason is getting away from needy sped kids in their class and my son is autistic. We probably just need distance from these people in general.

Yes. You need distance from them. They are toxic. But also please understand that the educational philosophy trends/legal requirements to mainstream kids with IEPs and various issues, diagnoses, etc. does impact the NT kids. I have bitten my tongue many times in the name of equity, but I actually agree that the non-NT kids are often holding back class progress and the ones with overt behaviors create classroom disruptions that would not have been tolerated in my childhood public schools. I can speak to distinct shortfalls in my kids' learning in certain years because their classes got behind due to class disruptors who could not work at the same pace. And the NT kids do become cynical about the other students and their accommodations. I wish it was a situation of familiarity breeds tolerance but sadly it seems to be contempt instead.

I almost never say anything to anybody because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (especially little kids'). But the status quo is quite frustrating. I understand now why people do try to move to the "best" school districts. But I'm still hoping to raise kids who are patient, tolerant, and not snobs. So I continue to wrestle with my snap judgments and hope that the temporary disadvantages my kids experience will somehow be outweighed by being forced to understand the reality of society and humanity instead of being in a more homogenous bubble.

DP here. While I agree with what you are saying in general, I disagree with the bold. If anything SN parents seek out the "best" public school districts even more than typical parents and higher income kids are more likely to be identified and have maximum services. So this is one area where I feel that "better" school districts bear a disproportionate burden. I say this as a parent and school employee in a "good" school.

PP. I live in flyover country. The "best" school districts here are actually not known for being good at handling special needs children. When I read about MCPS on this board and what I can remember from being an MCPS area taxpayer, MCPS was a place people would move to to get accommodative services. Here all districts are pretty much "catch as catch can". So given the steep real estate prices in the best districts (Bethesda/Potomac prices) there's no incentive to move there to get SN education.

I learned about 2E from this board. I didn't even know that was something that schools could make plans around. We might have just 1 or 2 kids like that in a 500 person K-5 elementary school.