managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

[Anonymous]

Op there must be more to this story. Your feelings for your sister obviously predate the slur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. And that's a thanks to all of you, including the people who think I'm awful.

Yes, I am super flawed myself as a person and as a parent. Yes, I am super-judgey toward my sister. She is, quite separately from everything that has happened in the past 12 months or so, a messy human being. A lot of the time I don't like her. We're not close, and that's for the best. But I also love her and wish so much that she didn't have to go through this grief. Her eldest was a good person with a whole promising life ahead, and to the person who wrote that I don't seem to be grieving, I cordially invite you to go pound sand.

I absolutely hate how gossipy, backstabby, and dramatic my entire family is -- I try to stay away from it and out of it, and that's why I did my venting here in an anonymous forum, rather than calling my mother or my favorite cousin. Really trying hard to keep that particular dynamic from continuing in my own life.

I really appreciate the advice I'm getting and, while I don't like the criticism, I appreciate it too and am reflecting upon it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. And that's a thanks to all of you, including the people who think I'm awful.

Yes, I am super flawed myself as a person and as a parent. Yes, I am super-judgey toward my sister. She is, quite separately from everything that has happened in the past 12 months or so, a messy human being. A lot of the time I don't like her. We're not close, and that's for the best. But I also love her and wish so much that she didn't have to go through this grief. Her eldest was a good person with a whole promising life ahead, and to the person who wrote that I don't seem to be grieving, I cordially invite you to go pound sand.

I absolutely hate how gossipy, backstabby, and dramatic my entire family is -- I try to stay away from it and out of it, and that's why I did my venting here in an anonymous forum, rather than calling my mother or my favorite cousin. Really trying hard to keep that particular dynamic from continuing in my own life.

I really appreciate the advice I'm getting and, while I don't like the criticism, I appreciate it too and am reflecting upon it.

And again....you can't make a post without bashing your sister. This is so freaking easy. "Omg, we told her Jimmy was going to die and she didn't listen to us. Now look what happened". "Aunt Sue, sister is grieving the loss of her child, this isn't the time or place to play I told you so"

We get it. You are far superior and she's a trainwreck. Do you really have that much of a difficult time figuring out how to put that aside for a few days?!!

[Anonymous]

As another parent who has lost a child, I will tell you that the impulse to blame the parents is very strong. The death of a child is horrifying, and people want to distance themselves and reassure themselves that their own perfect parenting protects them. If they can’t find a reason why the death was your fault then they look for a reason you are a bad parent, so they can continue to believe that fate doesn’t randomly steal the beloved children of good parents.

So, what you are doing is very understandable, but it’s still an impulse you need to resist. Your sister’s kid didn’t die because his mother didn’t teach his sibling how to properly apologize. You bringing that up shoes how you are grasping at straws to protect yourself from the ugly reality that children die.

When someone brings it up tell them they are being nasty and shut it down. Also, recognize that one comment from one of her apparently many kids a year ago is over, and you need to move past it.

[Anonymous]

I really don't get why you're going. You can't go a post without being mean about your sister. You're not going to be able to support her, so why make it worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

[Anonymous]

You feel dishonest about revealing your true thoughts?! How completely narcissistic do say something like this? Please don't go. You're not a supportive and loving family member and you don't need to be the savior you think you are by showing up. N

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

[Anonymous]

You need to get yourself in a better headspace before you go. However a child dies, it is an utter tragedy. The issue isn’t that your family blames your sister - it’s that you do. As far as the nephew goes, children screw up and learn. I hope you don’t plan to act like this kid is an unsalvageable racist. It seems to me you are using it not to help your daughter but as another way to look down on your sister. (And I say that as a brown person with a biracial child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here belatedly realizing "her dad" must have meant my daughter's dad. Sorry, single adoptive mom here, totally misinterpreted the question.