What would you call this? Friend question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She likes having two women vie for her attention, OP. The other friend is jealous of you so she makes you feel unwelcome hoping you’ll go away. I stopped playing those games in high school. They are not worth your time, OP.

Could be this. I had a friend once who knew I didn't care for another friend of hers who we had both worked previously worked with. It wasn't a big thing, we just didn't mesh.

My friend wouldn't invite the other woman to join us, but she would bring her up all the time. It would annoy me (who wants to talk about someone they don't care for constantly) but I didn't think it had anything to do with me -- I thought it was incidental.

Then one day my normally oblivious husband said to me "she's baiting you-- she wants to trash talk this woman and hopes you'll do it first." The minute he said it, I knew it was true. She was looking for drama. I couldn't see it because I was working hard to be respectful of their friendship-- I thought I was the problem. But why would you mention the same friend you know a person doesn't care for every time you talked? Is there anyone other than a spouse or child you'd mention to anyone that much? No.

This is op. I've read all the responses and I appreciate the various perspectives. This last one about drama struck a nerve. To the pp(s) who seem to think I'm self centered or that everything is about me: that's not who I am. I am someone who wants very much to share friendship with others. I put up with B's harsh attitude thinking she'd soften as she got to know me better. I had good intentions and gave her the benefit of the doubt. As to A and our plans: money has been spent and there will be other people there. As a pp noted, if I back out, I'll look like a flake. I'm not sure I want to pursue a friendship with A after this, so I feel there's no point in reminding her of my feelings about B. I will attend as planned, looking my personal best and behaving maturely. I will decline future invitations from A.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not the main character in A's life. She thought you could be mature and focus on the outting and her.

What A did was manipulative and self-centered. OP should end contact with both of these jerks.

[Anonymous]

So it's an event? I think its nice that she told you that B would be there. Probably should have before but it sounds like you will run into B at other events as well. It's not her personal home and the three of you arent going out to dinner. I would get over this.

B just sounds insensitive and a bit rude which today is about a third of people. Not someone I would want to make my best friend but anywhere you go these days there is going to be B person in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been friendly/aquainted with two women for the past year. Early on, I got the feeling that friend B didn't like me. She minimized my concerns and offered one word answers to my questions. She was short with me, like I pissed her off by existing. Friend A loves B, which is fine with me. B insulted me and I have declined invitations from A to spend time with both. I don't want a friendship with B, so I didn't tell her she insulted me (pretty sure she knows). A was pushing me to spend time with them both and I clearly told her I don't want to see B. She said she understood.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and A extended an invitation I couldn't resist. I agreed to go and then she informed me that B is going, too. I was flustered and haven't followed up to decline the invitation while reminding her that I don't want to see B.
How would you describe A's action? I know she didn't forget because she frequently urged me to be friends with B and I said no. Is she insensitive? Manipulative? Matchmaking? Do I need to ditch A, too?

I wouldn't describe A's action, I would describe A. A is a person living in a world that doesn't revolve around you.

NP. This is an odd response, PP. You are protecting something from your own life.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing A would prefer less drama with her friends hoping you will tolerate each other as acquaintances for large events with many people. This is my thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She likes having two women vie for her attention, OP. The other friend is jealous of you so she makes you feel unwelcome hoping you’ll go away. I stopped playing those games in high school. They are not worth your time, OP.

Could be this. I had a friend once who knew I didn't care for another friend of hers who we had both worked previously worked with. It wasn't a big thing, we just didn't mesh.

My friend wouldn't invite the other woman to join us, but she would bring her up all the time. It would annoy me (who wants to talk about someone they don't care for constantly) but I didn't think it had anything to do with me -- I thought it was incidental.

Then one day my normally oblivious husband said to me "she's baiting you-- she wants to trash talk this woman and hopes you'll do it first." The minute he said it, I knew it was true. She was looking for drama. I couldn't see it because I was working hard to be respectful of their friendship-- I thought I was the problem. But why would you mention the same friend you know a person doesn't care for every time you talked? Is there anyone other than a spouse or child you'd mention to anyone that much? No.

This is op. I've read all the responses and I appreciate the various perspectives. This last one about drama struck a nerve. To the pp(s) who seem to think I'm self centered or that everything is about me: that's not who I am. I am someone who wants very much to share friendship with others. I put up with B's harsh attitude thinking she'd soften as she got to know me better. I had good intentions and gave her the benefit of the doubt. As to A and our plans: money has been spent and there will be other people there. As a pp noted, if I back out, I'll look like a flake. I'm not sure I want to pursue a friendship with A after this, so I feel there's no point in reminding her of my feelings about B. I will attend as planned, looking my personal best and behaving maturely. I will decline future invitations from A.

That sounds like a very good plan, OP, and very reasonable. My immediate response as I read your OP is that you don’t need either of these people in your life.

[Anonymous]

How many people will be there? She probably figured it was a big enough group that it doesn't matter. Or she forgot. I have a friend who did this to me, but I've know her a long time and she's obtuse about stuff like this. Just socialize with the other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's an event? I think its nice that she told you that B would be there. Probably should have before but it sounds like you will run into B at other events as well. It's not her personal home and the three of you arent going out to dinner. I would get over this.

B just sounds insensitive and a bit rude which today is about a third of people. Not someone I would want to make my best friend but anywhere you go these days there is going to be B person in the room.

We don't know what the event is. Could actually be dinner and a concert with assigned seating, in which case A has unnecessarily stuck OP in close contact with B for hours, not given her a heads up that could be useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She likes having two women vie for her attention, OP. The other friend is jealous of you so she makes you feel unwelcome hoping you’ll go away. I stopped playing those games in high school. They are not worth your time, OP.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been friendly/aquainted with two women for the past year. Early on, I got the feeling that friend B didn't like me. She minimized my concerns and offered one word answers to my questions. She was short with me, like I pissed her off by existing. Friend A loves B, which is fine with me. B insulted me and I have declined invitations from A to spend time with both. I don't want a friendship with B, so I didn't tell her she insulted me (pretty sure she knows). A was pushing me to spend time with them both and I clearly told her I don't want to see B. She said she understood.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and A extended an invitation I couldn't resist. I agreed to go and then she informed me that B is going, too. I was flustered and haven't followed up to decline the invitation while reminding her that I don't want to see B.
How would you describe A's action? I know she didn't forget because she frequently urged me to be friends with B and I said no. Is she insensitive? Manipulative? Matchmaking? Do I need to ditch A, too?

I wouldn't describe A's action, I would describe A. A is a person living in a world that doesn't revolve around you.

Ah, but it is my life and I'm trying to understand the people and world around me.

I think your friend A is a jerk. If I had two friends who don't get along (which I do), I would never force them to spend time together. So it's up to you whether you want to go on the outing with A or not since B will be there. And by the way, choosing not to spend time with someone you don't like is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been friendly/aquainted with two women for the past year. Early on, I got the feeling that friend B didn't like me. She minimized my concerns and offered one word answers to my questions. She was short with me, like I pissed her off by existing. Friend A loves B, which is fine with me. B insulted me and I have declined invitations from A to spend time with both. I don't want a friendship with B, so I didn't tell her she insulted me (pretty sure she knows). A was pushing me to spend time with them both and I clearly told her I don't want to see B. She said she understood.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and A extended an invitation I couldn't resist. I agreed to go and then she informed me that B is going, too. I was flustered and haven't followed up to decline the invitation while reminding her that I don't want to see B.
How would you describe A's action? I know she didn't forget because she frequently urged me to be friends with B and I said no. Is she insensitive? Manipulative? Matchmaking? Do I need to ditch A, too?

I wouldn't describe A's action, I would describe A. A is a person living in a world that doesn't revolve around you.

Ah, but it is my life and I'm trying to understand the people and world around me.

I think your friend A is a jerk. If I had two friends who don't get along (which I do), I would never force them to spend time together. So it's up to you whether you want to go on the outing with A or not since B will be there. And by the way, choosing not to spend time with someone you don't like is totally fine.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You sound exhausting, OP. Do you always create so much unnecessary drama in your relationships? B hurt your feelings and now you don't want to be around B. Why is this A's problem? Hint: It's not (unless you are all in 8th grade, in which case A needs to pick a side). You seem to think that A has a responsibility to manage this conflict for you - but it's your issue. If you can't deal with the fact that sometimes invitations from A might also include B, then declining all future invitations does seem like the best plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called. I can’t navigate everybody’s personalities and I’m just planning an event and you guys decide if you want to attend based on who’s there.

It's OK if she informs op that B is going too when asking. Not ok, knowing their history, to tell her after she agreed

A might not know everybody involved from the jump. She eventually told her.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m sure she’s terrible but you are over the top. It’s not a big deal to go on a group outing with someone you don’t like.

I’m surprised friend A is willing to try this hard.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this will matter because OP clearly feels friend A has deeply violated…something so now she’ll avoid them both, right? Problem solved.