50/50 custody in practice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest that parents who are divorcing include language in their settlement agreement that establishes an expectation that each parent commit to providing a suitable home for their children to visit even if that means not being able to live in as nice of an area as before the divorce or even if it's less "convenient" to the parent. I've seen situations where ex wives move into a new man's apartment that doesn't have room for her children, so the ex wife is "unable" or choose not to actually hold up her part of the 50/50 physical custody agreement but still expects to get child support.

This + language that supports getting the children to their pre-existing activities, school events, etc. I've seen new spouses protest the amount of parenting required (for example, the husband remarries and dumps the kids on the new wife, who will tolerate them but certainly doesn't want to be inconvenienced with their soccer game an hour away) and the kids make all the sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is you are realizing parenting is hard not 50/50.

BFD. Your kids commute 50 minutes to school in the am and back again in the pm.

Nights are sports/arts, dinner, homework, bed.

Yes you have to get to their school and take them to their practices and help them with their hw

It’s hard. Don’t try to blame this on “what is best for the kids” if you can’t be bothered.

Unless you're the type of parent who complains about driving them back and forth, taking them to sports or arts or whatever their activities may be, supporting social activities with friends on the weekend like birthday parties, then get out of the way and don't force them to go to your house force them to go to your house.

All those things are parenting whether it’s happening in your neighborhood or 40 minutes away.

Right, but there's a particular type of narcissist who takes the position that "MY TIME, I DECIDE," meaning when they exercise parenting time, their kids can't go to soccer practice or participate in an afterschool play. The kids must instead ride directly from school to that parent's house, which is 40 minutes away from their friends, school, and pre-existing activities. They make absurd claims about signing the kids up for activities near their house. This obviously doesn't work in practice. Kids in this situation generally prefer to spend limited time with the narcissist parent.

This is my situation. I want a divorce ecause he is a narcissist and he has said he will pursue 50/50 and he will not take them to their activities because it is HIS time. Fear is holding me back. Right now he doesn’t take them to any activity. He does not even show up to their Saturday games. Kids would prefer to spend more time with me but if there is a court order and they can’t drive then I feel I need to wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is you are realizing parenting is hard not 50/50.

BFD. Your kids commute 50 minutes to school in the am and back again in the pm.

Nights are sports/arts, dinner, homework, bed.

Yes you have to get to their school and take them to their practices and help them with their hw

It’s hard. Don’t try to blame this on “what is best for the kids” if you can’t be bothered.

Unless you're the type of parent who complains about driving them back and forth, taking them to sports or arts or whatever their activities may be, supporting social activities with friends on the weekend like birthday parties, then get out of the way and don't force them to go to your house force them to go to your house.

All those things are parenting whether it’s happening in your neighborhood or 40 minutes away.

Right, but there's a particular type of narcissist who takes the position that "MY TIME, I DECIDE," meaning when they exercise parenting time, their kids can't go to soccer practice or participate in an afterschool play. The kids must instead ride directly from school to that parent's house, which is 40 minutes away from their friends, school, and pre-existing activities. They make absurd claims about signing the kids up for activities near their house. This obviously doesn't work in practice. Kids in this situation generally prefer to spend limited time with the narcissist parent.

This is my situation. I want a divorce ecause he is a narcissist and he has said he will pursue 50/50 and he will not take them to their activities because it is HIS time. Fear is holding me back. Right now he doesn’t take them to any activity. He does not even show up to their Saturday games. Kids would prefer to spend more time with me but if there is a court order and they can’t drive then I feel I need to wait.

Wait until they can drive and live separate lives in the meantime if that is tolerable. If not, some narcissists will give up parenting time and control in exchange for money as a part of the overall settlement. That is a deal that some healthy parents who have their own source of income are often willing to make.

[Anonymous]

Here are your choices and they both involve sacrifices. If that bothers or surprises you, welcome to parenting.

1. You rent a place in the city. You don’t buy. You stay close enough to see the kids a legit 50/50. You stay in their district, you keep a full compliment of kids stuff at your house (even if that means double-buying some items for sports).

2. You agree to pay child support based on 80/20. Leaving your spouse to do 80% of the parenting and bear 80% of the costs (including opportunity costs) while only paying child supppet on 50% is unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50/50 doesn’t work for the kids. It’s something parents decide work for them.
Whoever had more availability as far as work schedule should be the primary parent. Other parent gets every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday drop off at school. You can also go to their activities during the week, take them out for dinner etc, spend the evening with them but then get to sleep in their regular FT bed.

No they’re not it’s every other weekend and often ends at 3pm on Sunday. Not one parent all weekends and other parents all weekday grind. Same for vacations. One parent doesn’t get all holidays and vacation time and the other all school year grind.
NP — How well does Monday drop off work? Are the kids schlepping stuff from the weekend to school with them? It seems like a PITA, but we haven’t tried it yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child of 50/50 custody here. You figure out a way to live in the district. Small place, rental, one bedroom and you sleep in the living room. Supplement your income driving for Uber when your kid is with her mom. Whatever it takes.

Your kid needs you. Figure it out.

If you’re still sticking with “it’s not possible” post your HHI and the district and we’ll help you.

Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is you are realizing parenting is hard not 50/50.

BFD. Your kids commute 50 minutes to school in the am and back again in the pm.

Nights are sports/arts, dinner, homework, bed.

Yes you have to get to their school and take them to their practices and help them with their hw

It’s hard. Don’t try to blame this on “what is best for the kids” if you can’t be bothered.

It’s so hard they couldn’t step up when married and living with the other parent, and busted up their marriage and family home instead.

So now they’re going to do even worse logistics and wastes of times and punish the kids?! What a parent indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suggest that parents who are divorcing include language in their settlement agreement that establishes an expectation that each parent commit to providing a suitable home for their children to visit even if that means not being able to live in as nice of an area as before the divorce or even if it's less "convenient" to the parent. I've seen situations where ex wives move into a new man's apartment that doesn't have room for her children, so the ex wife is "unable" or choose not to actually hold up her part of the 50/50 physical custody agreement but still expects to get child support.

This + language that supports getting the children to their pre-existing activities, school events, etc. I've seen new spouses protest the amount of parenting required (for example, the husband remarries and dumps the kids on the new wife, who will tolerate them but certainly doesn't want to be inconvenienced with their soccer game an hour away) and the kids make all the sacrifices.

This.
Kids come first.

[Anonymous]

We’ve been doing 50/50 for five years now. We live 15 minutes apart, kids did not change schools. We used to do 4334 but now we do alternating weeks. No real difficulties.

I’m not really counting but DS spends more time with me than XW at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest that parents who are divorcing include language in their settlement agreement that establishes an expectation that each parent commit to providing a suitable home for their children to visit even if that means not being able to live in as nice of an area as before the divorce or even if it's less "convenient" to the parent. I've seen situations where ex wives move into a new man's apartment that doesn't have room for her children, so the ex wife is "unable" or choose not to actually hold up her part of the 50/50 physical custody agreement but still expects to get child support.

Ok, put whatever you want in your agreement, just realize that ultimately the court will only enforce the “who gives how much money to who” part and even then it’s got to be enough money that it’s worth it for you to go to court. My ex stopped doing a lot of things that are in the agreement and my lawyer said “you could pay $15,000 and still not get what you want.” This even included adhering to the 50/50 custody schedule.

[Anonymous]

I am kind of getting sick and tired of all these women complaining about taking the kids to birthdays, to sports etc..... My ex-wife is busier with yearly plastic surgery and rotating boyfriends than taking care of our kids. She gladly handed over full custody to me and I love it. She still sees our kids; she does her best to get involved and I think it's just fine. The kids love both of us. They are dads who step up and they don't complain as much as some of the women here do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of getting sick and tired of all these women complaining about taking the kids to birthdays, to sports etc..... My ex-wife is busier with yearly plastic surgery and rotating boyfriends than taking care of our kids. She gladly handed over full custody to me and I love it. She still sees our kids; she does her best to get involved and I think it's just fine. The kids love both of us. They are dads who step up and they don't complain as much as some of the women here do.

My XW does nothing, but she also did nothing during the marriage so that was no change as far as I was concerned. School, birthdays, sports, appointments, it’s all me.

[Anonymous]

You could rent a place nearby and mom and dad switch off who lives in the apartment.

But it sounds like you just want to be a weekend parent and looking for an excuse to claim it's for the kids.

[Anonymous]

You live close. You prioritize that. You think of them before you make living decisions. We have done every other week (with changes whenever it is practical) for 8 years. My fiancé lives in a different state because the most important thing in the world to me is making sure that my children feel like they have a consistent home life. There is no way that I would ever move away while they are still in school. Of course your relationship with them will be strained if you don’t prioritize them.

[Anonymous]

I have 50-50 custody - 4.5 years in. There’s no suitcase. Just backpacks and computers / musical instruments. Kids have clothes at each home. We live less than a mile from each other.